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Great boyfriend, confusing other guy

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar Mrs. Cris 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #726142 Reply
    Lo Jones

    It s complicated. No judgement please. 
    When I was 14/15 I joined my church youth group. There was a guy there, D, who was 4 years older. Obviously the age gap was an issue, but over the years we grew very close due to our similar interests. I was often left confused about his actual feelings towards me. 
    He moved away for work and got with someone else. I moved away for uni and got with my current boyfriend, J. This was 4 years ago. 
    D has now gone on to have a son with his gf and get engaged. 
    I consider J an incredible guy that I love completely. I ve never gone near anyone else, nor been tempted to. He s my first everything bar kiss. 
    D and I have been talking on and off. I never thought much of it because we are great friends. Then on Monday, he messaged me and we ended up sexting/having cyber sex, whatever you want to call it. I didn t hear from him Tuesday so messaged him Wednesday saying I know we chat, then don t, we re busy people, but not talking after Monday night felt a bit crap. He apologised repeatedly for mixed signals, said he d just been really hectic with the training course he s been on. 
    I saw J Thursday and still have the strong feelings towards him that I always have. 
    I m so confused. I don t know if D is using me, is also confused and we should draw the line and be friends, or more…I don t know. I don t want to hurt or lose J. 
    Sorry this is long, but trust me, it s the short version… Thanks in advance for any advice.

    #726146 Reply

    Stop sexting with a guy who’s engaged and has a kid. Yes, he’s using you. And you’re participating in cheating. You have the power to stop this right now. Tell him you’re not doing it anymore and then follow through and don’t do it anymore.

    #726147 Reply

    Oh also, you’re cheating on your boyfriend. I️ missed that part. Stop. You did it once, call it a mistake and don’t do it again. Also consider how much you *actually* are in love with your boyfriend and maybe end it so you can date other guys. Guys who are available.

    #726148 Reply

    You should break up with your boyfriend and stop fantasizing about some asshole who sexts other girls while engaged with a kid. Seriously. Your boyfriend deserves to be more than your consolation prize and J is never going to give you what you want. Sorry to ‘judge’ but you’ve got a real set of brass ovaries being sad because he didn’t text you after sexting. Really think about that for a moment. You’re engaging in cheating behavior with another cheater and what? you expect roses and sentimental words? Grow up. You are not star crossed lovers.

    #726156 Reply

    What the ever living? There is nothing confusing here. It’s an ego boost for him. It’s likely the same for you. Everyone likes to feel wanted. Get your head out of your ass and either break up with your boyfriend and move on (not with engaged guy) or block this guy and don’t sext with people who are not your current partner(s).

    “No judgement…” please. We all do shitty things, but we all deserve to get called out when we do them. It’s called shame. It’s effective when used correctly.

    #726157 Reply

    It probably felt like you were finally getting the shot with ‘D’ that you’d always wanted, so I can see how you got entangled in a sexting situation. But here’s the thing, if D had wanted to be with you before then, he actually had the opportunity to do so. He didn’t. He’s only interested in you because he’s probably unhappy in his current relationship. Don’t let him pull you into his foolishness.

    Please block him, and move on with your life. You are on a road that is going to lead to a LOT of heartbreak for you, his fiancee, and your boyfriend!

    Also, really think about what Kate said about breaking up with your boyfriend and dating other guys.

    #726158 Reply

    The ladies here are direct and to the point.

    LW you are cheating on your boyfriend. Evaluate if you REALLY love him 100%. You helped an engaged guy cheat KNOWINGLY. Just stop.

    #726208 Reply

    I love it. You cheat on your boyfriend, that you “love completely.” You do this with a guy who has a fiancee and a kid. And then you say no judgement please.

    It doesn’t work that way. What you’re doing is pure selfishness, and yeah, you get judged for that.

    You’re very young, and it’s understandable that you might not want to be tied down to one guy. But then you need to tell your boyfriend that you don’t want to be monogamous. He’ll probably break up with you, but it’s really low to lie and pretend he’s the only one when he isn’t.

    As for D…he’s a dirtbag. Nowhere in your post did I see any indication that he actually wants to leave his family for you. Which means that he’s looking for a sidepiece.

    #726215 Reply

    “I don’t want to hurt or lose J”
    Then I guess you wouldn’t find it hurtful if J was sexting another girl.

    You and D deserve each other.

    #726223 Reply

    Church youth group, huh? Outstanding. Anyone actually pay attention to what was being said up in there? No? Do unto others, my friend…
    I’m guessing you wouldn’t be cool with your boyfriend sexting some other girl. And I’m guessing if you had a child you wouldn’t be okay with your fiance sexting another girl either. Was it your intent to help break up that family? For the child to grow up without both his parents together? You want to be part of that? Is there any dick pic in the world worth that? How do you think the mother of his child will feel when she finds out? Normally I say the responsibility for fidelity rests with the person who gave it. You betrayed your boyfriend. Church boy betrayed his fiance. Those are the people you are accountable to. But when there are children involved, you don’t get to play innocent. That’s a family. You do get judged for that. And you don’t fare well in the judgement. Leave the child’s father alone. Break up with your boyfriend. He deserves better.

    #726232 Reply
    Mrs. Cris

    I don’t think you should be too hard on yourself. Yeah, you made a commitment to your boyfriend but, you’re not married, your youth is the time to makes mistakes like this. It’s ok.

    Mistakes are how we grow. There are several harsh comments in this thread but there is lots of valuable advice.

    The guy D, he is wrong, and if he was your boyfriend, he would betray you just like he is betraying his girlfriend. He isn’t for you, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t be friends as long as you are honest with yourself, and can maintain a friendship and only a friendship. And if you were to take it further (under some circumstance, in the future) you know that it is highly likely that he will cheat on you. Practice being honest with yourself.

    As for your relationship with J. Are you bored? Are you young? Well, this is the time to date, to get to know what you do and do not like in a relationship. Getting to know who you takes courage, it takes courage to let go of someone that you are comfortable with and know that will always be there. It’s nice, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right time for it.

    Think about what excites you, what makes you happy, and what you really want. Like J, you need to focus on who you are and maybe having the courage to be alone and learn about yourself is the way to go??

    Good luck and remember mistakes is apart of growth!

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