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Green eyed monster

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Honey 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #693703 Reply

    Hello everyone
    Have any of you ever been friends with someone who is in the exact same situation as you in your life?
    I am a little confused about a friend of mine and not sure if I should really consider her a ‘friend’. I’m not sure if I should emotionally invest in her even though I like her.
    We know each other for 4 years. When we started our friendship we were both looking for the exact same job profiles and struggling. I had gone to school full time so was able to secure a decent job soon while she started at entry level somewhere else, then took a break and then started again. She regularly used to chat with me about job seeking tips and our families got pretty close. However I recently got to know (thru someone else) that she had started a facebook page for similar job seekers and was regularly in touch with at least a 100 other people on networking and job seeking tips and organizing meetups (not sure how many meetups happened or if they happened at all). She was the only organizer and very active on the fb page. I’m surprised as to why she never mentioned this FB page to me or added me on to it. My husband advised me not to get too close to her or emotionally invest in her since there could be ‘undercurrents’ of professional rivalry and that would deter a good friendship from continuing. Am I over reacting or should I try to move on and make other friends?

    #693704 Reply

    You could use your words and ask her but honestly it sounds weird to me that you would be bent out of shape over a networking group on Facebook. You’ve known this woman for four years and say your families are “close” but you don’t know whether or not to invest in her? You are way overthinking this. Dump her if you want to but this whole post is just odd to me.

    #693705 Reply

    I don’t understand what the problem is. You’re upset that she has a Facebook group for people looking for jobs and didn’t tell you about it? But don’t you have a job? Why would she think you were interested in learning about how to get a job if you already have one?

    Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean she needs to share everything she does with you. Even if you’re in the same field, you can have separate lives. I have plenty of friends in my field, and we have never had issues with professional rivalries. Your husband’s advice is weird, as well. To decide that she can’t be trusted or whatever because she does things that don’t involve you is very strange. It makes you and your husband sound like you have very controlling personalities.

    #693706 Reply

    IME, ‘professional rivalries’ isn’t really a thing except on TV. When you apply for a job, they usually go with the best candidate who has the requisite experience and is a good fit for the company. Even if you think that you’re the perfect candidate or have more experience they may still go with a different candidate.

    It’s like dating. Just because you didn’t end up with that guy that you thought was soooooooooooooooooo perfect, doesn’t mean that his current wife/girlfriend undercut you and won him. It just means that he decided that the other person was a better fit for him over the long term.

    So your husband’s advice is really weird and paranoid. If you lose out on a job, it’s not personal. The company just decided that the other candidate was a better fit for them.

    #693709 Reply

    Okay…I thought I should edit this but when the group was formed we were BOTH desperately looking for jobs…I mean the job search was pretty much the only topic of conversation among us. And this group is not only for people looking for jobs, it has lots of recruiters too who are hiring.
    I understand that the advice from everyone here that I am overreacting, maybe?

    #693710 Reply

    Maybe I misnamed it. This is a group of professionals in this field (not just job seekers or recruiters) sharing all kinds of advice on how to improve your skills.

    #693718 Reply

    I don’t get it.

    #693719 Reply

    I think you’re overreacting. You’re upset over something that happened on Facebook four(!) years ago. Maybe she didn’t invite you to the group because she felt you were a threat, orrrr maybe it just didn’t occur to her, especially since it sounds like she had only recently met you she started the group. You seem to feel like she was obligated to help you find a job, which she wasn’t. If you want to improve your skills, that’s on you and always has been. If you can’t be friends with someone who is in the same field because you feel they are your rival, that’s weird — most people hope to GROW the number of acquaintances/friends in their field — but to each their own.

    #693720 Reply

    Do you need to be part of the group? Aren’t you fine not being included? You have a family and a job… Let her have her Facebook group. It’s nothing to you. If it meant the world to you to be a part of a group like that, you could have started your own. So clearly your life is none the worse for the lack of it.
    Be as friendly as you have been. Invest whatever time you want. Facebook should have no bearing on anything.

    #693722 Reply

    Overreacting? I’m not even sure what you’re reacting TO.

    As near as I can tell, you’re upset because she didn’t invite you to her Facebook page for job seekers. When you weren’t seeking a job. If you feel like having access to this page would help you network, just say “Hey, could you add me to your page, I think it’d be helpful to me professionally.”

    Your husband’s advice is really, really, really strange. By his logic, you should never become friends with anyone in your field to prevent any professional rivalries. The people I know in my field were never rivals. We helped each other.

    #693796 Reply

    If you want to be in the group, you could just ask her to add you.
    I think your husband’s belief that this is a sign of more to come is a little paranoid. Even if this were an indication that she was going to be annoying competitive with you, I think it’s unlikely she’d try to harm your career or something. I assume the worst-case is probably that you might find her annoying at some point? At which point you can stop hanging out with her. But I don’t think there’s any evidence that she’s harmful to get close to or whatever.

    It sounds like you already didn’t think well of her though if you’re assuming the worst, so if you don’t like her already, you don’t have to stay friends with her.

    #693823 Reply

    I get what you are saying. You thought the two of you were good friends who were sharing your struggles finding jobs and then found out she had an entire networking system that she set up and ran and never mentioned to you. I get it. I can’t imagine a good friend who would run any type of online group and never mention it. Even if it was about something of no interest to you the friend would mention it from time to time. She would have to purposely never mention her page to you. Friends chat about what they’ve been doing and sometimes she would have mentioned that she had been posting on her page. But she didn’t because for whatever reason she didn’t want you to know about the page. Whether that was because she didn’t want to help you or because she thought you would dominate the page if you knew about it or if she was embarrassed by not getting a better job sooner who knows. She reserved her page for herself, without you.

    Do you value her friendship in spite of this? Do you suddenly feel like you don’t know her as well as you thought? Do you wonder what else she hides? If you feel too uncomfortable with this friendship pull back. If you feel stabbed in the back pull back. Your friendship sounds more like the two of you are acquaintances rather than friends. If you want a good friend and if after four years she isn’t one I would look elsewhere for a good friend.

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