Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Green eyed monster

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Honey 4 months ago.

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  • #693824 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    I get what you are saying. You thought the two of you were good friends who were sharing your struggles finding jobs and then found out she had an entire networking system that she set up and ran and never mentioned to you. I get it. I can’t imagine a good friend who would run any type of online group and never mention it. Even if it was about something of no interest to you the friend would mention it from time to time. She would have to purposely never mention her page to you. Friends chat about what they’ve been doing and sometimes she would have mentioned that she had been posting on her page. But she didn’t because for whatever reason she didn’t want you to know about the page. Whether that was because she didn’t want to help you or because she thought you would dominate the page if you knew about it or if she was embarrassed by not getting a better job sooner who knows. She reserved her page for herself, without you.

    Do you value her friendship in spite of this? Do you suddenly feel like you don’t know her as well as you thought? Do you wonder what else she hides? If you feel too uncomfortable with this friendship pull back. If you feel stabbed in the back pull back. Your friendship sounds more like the two of you are acquaintances rather than friends. If you want a good friend and if after four years she isn’t one I would look elsewhere for a good friend.

    #693826 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    My though when I read the post was that she thinks you’re doing fine and don’t need a networking community. Maybe she feels like you pulled ahead of her and your career took off while hers didn’t. Maybe just tell her you think what she’s doing is really cool and you’d like to be a part of it.

    Unless there’s more going on here that you didn’t specify, I don’t really get what your husband is saying about professional rivalry or whatever.

    #693831 Reply
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    dinoceros

    I don’t know. My friends don’t really talk about social media in real life. I started a Facebook group for a specific niche of people, and I don’t recall ever talking about it to friends who weren’t in that group. I feel like people barely want to read their friends’ social media posts, much less talk about it in person.

    #693836 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    The LW thought that they were sharing all they knew with each other only to find out that the friend had an entire secret site about the topic that they were supposedly sharing. It has nothing to do with it being social media. It has to do with the topic and how they had became friends just because they were sharing about this specific topic. They specifically bonded over sharing about this field. It would be different if she was upset about finding out her friend also was active with a Facebook site dedicated to sewing or a book club or gardening or knitting. They weren’t sharing and bonding over those things.

    #693837 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    @dinoceros I think the difference is that you have a niche group that doesn’t have anything to do with your real life friends. Her friend had a niche group that had everything to do with why the two of them were friends.

    #693846 Reply
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    Honey

    YESSS….skyblossom and kate really seem to get it!!!! That WAS the no1 thing we bonded about…our job search…and its not really abt facebook..its about creating a network from scratch and never mentioning about it.its not so much my wanting to be part of the grp but the hiding from me. And yes she might have felt embarrased that my career took off earlier than mine but hell i went thru school and slogged my ass off. And she has also managed to find contract gigs in one of the top companies here. The question i need to ask myself is if i value her friendship otherwise? She asked me out to dinner last week and i dropped out at the last moment bcoz I was trying to sort out my thoughts.

    #693847 Reply
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    Honey

    And another fact that i shd have added …couple of years ago we had both interviewed for a contract gig and i got the job. The main fact is that she never told me that she had interviewed (though she did congratulate me), i got to know later on when i saw her application/profile in the company’s system. That might explain the ‘professional rivalry’ comment from my husband.

    #693848 Reply
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    Kate

    “…she might have felt embarrased that my career took off earlier than mine but hell i went thru school and slogged my ass off…”

    Yeah, well, it would still totally make sense if she had some insecurities about not having been to or finished school while you had, and if she felt like you surpassed her. Most people would feel some feelings about that. She probably does feel a little jealous/threatened, and maybe genuinely thought you didn’t need this job searching group. Some people also keep things closer to the vest than others. Honestly, I got laid off at the same time as a colleague of mine who I like and was having regular long conversations with, but I didn’t tell him what opportunities I was pursuing or where I was interviewing. Nothing personal, it just felt like it would be better to keep it under my hat. It’s actually *not* the best idea to blab about where you’re interviewing.

    So yes, if you’re close friends and enjoy her company socially, maybe let it go.

    #693850 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    I even wrote a blog about being unemployed, but didn’t really tell anyone about it, particularly not anyone I worked with, including that guy I just mentioned, who was my peer for 10 years.

    I also actively avoided talking to people who were still employed at my company and telling them where I was interviewing, because I knew they wanted out and would love any insight on who’s hiring.

    #693852 Reply
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    dinoceros

    @skyblossom, I wasn’t comparing myself to the LW’s friend. I was responding to this statement: ” I can’t imagine a good friend who would run any type of online group and never mention it. Even if it was about something of no interest to you the friend would mention it from time to time.” That’s why I didn’t specify whether my group was related to my real-life friends or not. (FWIW, it was, but…)

    I think the main point here that most people are trying to get across is that there are a million reasons why she may not have told you. If it’s that big a deal to you that you’re planning to end a friendship, then talk to her about it. If you’d prefer to just stop hanging out with her without her a chance to talk about it, or without giving her the benefit of the doubt, then it sounds like you are not that into the friendship to begin with. Just ask her about the group and say that you would have liked to join, and say you’re surprised she didn’t invite you. Then go from there.

    #693853 Reply
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    dinoceros

    Ugh, since I can’t log in anymore, I can’t edit anything. I wanted to specify that when I said certain friends weren’t in my group, I meant they literally weren’t in the facebook group. Not that they weren’t related to the topic. It was a career-related group, and I had a lot of other friends in my same field as Facebook friends who weren’t in the group.

    #694012 Reply
    avatar
    LisforLeslie

    I agree there’s some professional competition. She created a network, probably put in a lot of effort and didn’t feel like sharing the potential rewards. It’s understandable and not what I would consider being a bad friend. I mean it’s not totally cool, but on the list of friend crimes – not terrible.

    Ultimately you landed a good position so while it helped her it didn’t help her as much as she’d have hoped.

    Does she compete with you in other areas? Does the friendship satisfy you in other ways? If so, let this go.

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