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He broke up with me 2 months before he deploys. How can I work on this with him?

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar iliketea 5 days ago.

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  • #696371 Reply
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    Natalie

    My Long distance boyfriend of seven months broke up with me a week ago today. We meet right after he got back from his previous deployment last year. We hit it off right off the bat, he was visiting his friend that is engaged to my best friend,and he got my number and we talked ,and a month later were in a relationship. But before we made it official he told me he was married before his first deployment and she cheated on him the entire time(he’s been divorced for over 2 years now)he lived in Georgia,I lived in North Carolina, so we would see each other at least once or maybe twice a month. He told me that he wanted to do things with me for the rest of his life, and later told me I was the love of his life. Everything was so great until a week ago, I knew he was deploying he told me back at the end of April he told me;he said we would be fine and write and stuff. Well two weeks ago he was getting stressed with training and pre-deployment stuff, that week we barely spoke , I called him and he asked me to bare with him and i just asked him to check in before he went to work. Everything seemed ok and the weekend came around and seemed back to normal. Then on Sunday he called me and told me he didn’t think he could do this anymore, he said he was stressed and couldn’t handle both of our stressors, he told me that he needed to focus on him before the stressful deployment. I said i’d wait and we should just take a brake till he got back in 6 months, he said he couldn’t he had to just focus on himself. He said he still wants to talk how we do because he still loves me but couldn’t put me through all his stress, then he got silent and hung up. He called me back we talked more and he said that he wanted me to write him while he was deployed and be friends and if something was there we could see about getting back together,but couldn’t promise anything. So we ended that conversation with me still confused, I told him I know we were both busy and stressed but to give each other space and I would work on this is he was willing to as well. He told me to stop and said he needs to focus on him right now and I need to focus on me, he can’t commit to something he doesn’t know right now.

    I’m torn,I love him so very much and want either to try to be friends,work through this or i need closure. i have no bad feelings towards him. Mind you, I’m his first serious relationship in 4 years.
    What do I do?

    #696373 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    He broke up with you, and you need to honor that. I’m sure you’re a very kind person, but you need to listen to him. You’re focusing on how much you love him and want to be with him, but you’re not listening to him when he is telling you what he needs. Deployment is a big deal. He’s telling you that what’s best for him to deal with that is to not be worrying about a relationship.

    #696397 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Dinoceros is spot on. If he’s saying he needs to be out of the relationship, then you need to respect that and leave him be, not look for ways to talk him out of it. There’s nothing to work on.

    I’m sorry, it really sucks to have someone break up with you. There’s always the temptation to keep talking as friends; it nurtures that little bit of hope that maybe he’ll change his mind and want you back. I always think it makes things easier if you go no-contact, though.

    #696400 Reply
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    Purplestar

    Breakups are hard. And while I believe that you two are interested in each other, if I do the math on what you said, you have only seen each other about 15 times (including meeting) the entire time you have been dating. This is too short a time to be know if you want to spend your life with someone and too short a time for you put your life on hold for the next 6 months waiting for him.

    I live in a military area (two bases) – I have friends on both sides of this situation. The non-military ones I give this same advice too. The military ones – I understand the need to focus on self prior to deployment and many do not want to deploy with the perceived burden of someone waiting on them at home…more stress to add to a stressful situation for them.

    Let him be. Let him get through this deployment. Move on with your life and don’t pine for him. If he is truly interested he will contact you when he gets back. At that, you can weigh your options.

    Hugs

    #696401 Reply
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    Janelle

    I imagine he is terrified, rightly so. Even if he wasn’t being deployed you would have to respect his wishes. If you truly do I love him I do believe that you can write him. Yes you should move on but he is in a difficult situation. I say don’t write him daily or anything but if one day you just want to reach out go for it. Let him know you’re thinking of him and maybe write about something that would take his mind off of where he is. You must not do this with expectations. Just love and caring.

    I had a friend go into rehab and he couldn’t talk on the phone. I made a point to send him a card with a little note once a week. He told me it truly kept him going and he always knew I sent them on Friday so come Monday he would have that to look forward to. That little support can mean so much to someone in these difficult situations.

    Just do all this if it doesn’t upset you and you know that it may not change anything. I always say, no one has ever been upset to hear that someone is thinking of them. Being loved is a gift.

    #696403 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    What you do now is take his word for it that he can’t do this and it’s over.

    “Then on Sunday he called me and told me he didn’t think he could do this anymore, he said he was stressed and couldn’t handle both of our stressors.”

    It wasn’t working. You were both stressed and you were only seeing each other monthly. To be brutally honest, he wouldn’t do that how he did if he felt like you two had a future and you were the right woman for him. He’s letting you down easy by saying there could be a chance in the future.

    You could write to him, but only if you’ve accepted that it’s over and you’re keeping in touch as a friend (and NOT demonstrating your stressors). If you don’t feel like you can do that, I would make a clean break.

    #696924 Reply
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    iliketea
    Member

    Hi, my husband is in the military, and he has deployed (we weren’t married at the time). No matter where he goes, he’s being taken away from what he knows.

    My advice is to keep Skype on when you’re available and let him call, message, email, etc., even if he just wants to be friends and you are ok with that. Being deployed is stressful and he might just need a familiar face/voice/connection to get him though.

    That said, draw some lines if it is too hard. You might not get back together. I’d let him make the contact first. He will have some time think about the relationship/life in general and it could go either way. Depending on where he goes, it’s unlikely that he will find another girl (except desert queens, which everyone should run away from lol) so I wouldn’t worry about that. What I’m getting at is that I think you should try to be his friend while he is deployed and support him with kindness, and let the relationship take the back seat.

    Plus….you’re probably looking at 6 months. There are other guys out there, near you, who aren’t so indecisive. If he gets back and decides that he wants you and you’ve already found someone else, though beans for him.

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