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“He Changed His Mind About Getting Married”

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Bittergaymark 2 days, 4 hours ago.

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  • #726908 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    I met my boyfriend 18 months ago. I’m in my 30’s and I made it clear what I was looking for right from the get go. I didn’t want there to be any confusion. I told him I was looking for a serious relationship and with the idea of marriage kids and building a life with someone. We had many conversation and discussions on what we want from a relationship and from each other, and we were both on the same page or so I was lead to though… He told me marriage wasn’t important to him but if it was important to his partner then that is a compromise he could make and kids were something he wanted and to build a life with someone. We clicked! We like a lot of the same things and we have so much fun together. He’s my best friend and he loves my old dog to pieces.

    I was looking to buy a house about 10 months ago and he was the one that said if I hold off, it could be something that we can work towards together. So we decided to move in and bit we’ve been living together for about 8 months. Now every thing seemed great until they weren’t…. One night we had a conversation about my friends getting married and he told me he doesn’t want to get married. Its a dated and old tradition and he doesn’t see the point in it. Ok so when I started talking about our future together, he told me he wants to live for now not the future. He wants us to be happy now…. Wait what? I never thought he was unhappy. Up until he said that I thought our relationship was pretty close to perfect. I decided to start paying more attention and listening more… maybe I’m the one thats not intended with the present and he might be right.
    Last week he was having a rough time… I decided to just be present and listen to him. He told me he missed his family who live in another province and he wanted to go visit them and for me not to get offended but I wasn’t allowed to come because he just wanted that one on one time with each of them. He said he knew he was being selfish but thats what he needed. I haven’t meet his parents yet and I’ve been the one thats been pushing to go meet them.
    I let it be and I thought it over and the next day I told him how I felt. How I felt insecure abut our future and that all that he said yesterday brought up so many questions and left me feeling confused and lied to.
    He told me that because of that he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me. I need to learn to deal with my emotions.

    I’m shocked and confused. I feel a connection and we have so much fun together but am I imagining all of that. Am I wishing for a life with a man that doesn’t want one with me ?
    Any advice would be appreciated

    #726910 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I would be gone when he got back. He stopped you from buying a house and building *your* future but doesn’t see the point to marriage and won’t introduce you to his family? Oh honey noooooo. These are not the actions of a man who cares about your feelings or your best interests. Tack on the nonsense he spewed at you when you told him how you feel and it is time to just go. There’s really nothing else to say. I’m sorry.

    #726913 Reply
    avatar
    Essie
    Participant

    This all feels kind of backwards to me. You approached this like “I’m looking for a husband and kids. Are you in?” And he was all “OK, cause I want that too.” And this was all before you even really knew each other. It was like you were hiring for a job, or casting a role in a play.

    And you both got along well, and had fun playing the roles of future-wife and future-husband, and he thought hey, why should she buy a house when we’re gonna be husband and wife? And that was EIGHT MONTHS into your relationship. You were still getting to know each other.

    Now it’s a year and a half in, and the relationship is settled and feeling serious….and he’s realizing that it was fun to play future-husband and future-wife, but doing it for real? Wait a minute, he’s not up for that.

    I get that if you want kids and you’re in your thirties, you feel like you don’t want to spend years on a relationship that’s not going to give you kids. But I think there’s still a lot of risk in declaring up front that you’re only taking guys that will marry you and give you kids. Because you can’t know up front that they’re the right guy for you. And he can’t know up front that you’re the right woman. It doesn’t work that way. That’s something you realize over time.

    Since you are feeling time pressure and this guy obviously doesn’t want to marry you or have kids with you, end it with him and move on.

    #726915 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    The way the first paragraph is written, it reads like you think that because you were clear about what you want from the get-go — marriage and kids — that he’s not allowed to change his mind about what he wants. Maybe for awhile he thought that seemed like a great plan in the abstract, but when it became more real, he wasn’t so sure anymore. I think a lot of us have been with people who told us they saw and wanted a future with us, but when it came down to it, things didn’t work out. I know I have. (Twice!)

    Why didn’t you leave when he told you marriage is dated and unnecessary when you know it’s something you want? I’m assuming this is a dealbreaker for you. I’ve seen several friends date guys who didn’t want or didn’t believe in or were indifferent to marriage, hoping that the guy will change his mind. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen these relationships work out. When people are on such different pages, it makes you fundamentally incompatible, imho.

    It really sucks that you didn’t buy a house thinking you two were in it together. I can’t tell if he was intentionally misleading you when he said this, or if you both got caught up in how great the relationship felt eight months in and sounded swell to everyone involved. Either way, from what you’ve written, it seems pretty clear that he doesn’t see a future with you. He hasn’t introduced you to his family. You told him you feel insecure and he’s now deflecting and saying he can’t talk to you. (Assuming you told him how you feel in a normal fashion, this is a super strange response.)

    I don’t think you’ll get the future you want with this guy. It sucks, but I’d move on.

    #726916 Reply
    avatar
    Ale
    Member

    This guy is not going to gice you what you want. Better to find out now, sooner rather than later.

    #726920 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    You guys moved in together and he realized that for whatever reason, you are not the person for whom he would want to compromise his feelings about marriage. That doesn’t mean he lied. He probably did think in the beginning that if things progressed well, he could see himself getting married if it’s what you really wanted. Then he realized that, no, he doesn’t see that. And now he’s trying to figure out if he sees any future at all, which is why he wants space and is going to see his family (without you). I would not expect this relationship to last much longer.

    #726921 Reply
    avatar
    Ale
    Member

    “He told me marriage wasn’t important to him but if it was important to his partner then that is a compromise he could make”

    You told him from the get go what you wanted. And HE DID TOO. He told you marriage was not important, but something he could do.

    #726928 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    Your boyfriend is not the man for you. This relationship is over. I’m sorry he’s too much of a putz to just break up with you, since he knows darn well he doesn’t want the same things you do—but maybe he’ll do so when he returns from his trip.

    I think at (our) age, we know what we want, and a man who waits for more than a year to introduce you to his parents is not excited at all about moving forward.

    #726958 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    I think you should just cut your losses. You could stay with him for the time being, but he’s eventually going to break up with you. But if he’s the kind of person who would rather string someone along than break up, you might end up wasting a lot of time if you wait for him to do it.

    #726990 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You now know that he is incompatible so you should finish the relationship and move on.

    #726992 Reply
    avatar
    LisforLeslie

    It sounds like this guy was willing to say enough vague things to make it sound like you were on the same page but now that you’re thinking back… he never was and the reason he’s being direct now is because he’s fine as long as the status quo is maintained but he’s not willing to go further than that.

    I get it, if you had said “He said he’s not into committed relationships so I went ahead and jumped in with both feet and now I found out he’s been seeing other women” we’d be all over you as delusional. He told you it wasn’t his thing but he dangled a carrot when he said “But if it’s important enough…” which just seems really innocent and manipulative all at once.

    It’s been 18 months, so not forever. It sucks but you need to move on. This man will not be your long term partner.

    #727005 Reply
    avatar
    Ron

    He didn’t change his view about marriage. He changed his view about you. He made it clear that he wasn’t a proponent of marriage, but would consider marriage if he found the right woman and that is what she wanted. You asked the question at a time when he thought you might be the right woman. He barely knew you at the time. Now that he knows you better, he’s decided you aren’t the right woman for him to marry. Your error was assuming that because he continued to stay with you that this meant he thought you were the right woman to drag him into marriage. No knock on you — that right woman may not exist. IN THEORY, he would marry to avoid losing his perfect woman. He’s found you’re not perfect. None of us is. I don’t see it as wrong to make sure you and he were on the same serious page early on in dating, but that is something you have to keep checking in on. How much of a discussion did you have prior to moving in together and how clear was he about seeing himself married to you in the near future at that time? If it was all vague and far in the future, then you should have taken that as a no. If he was definite and near term, then he was deliberately leading you on to maintain a status quo he had no intention of ever changing.

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