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He Committed a Felony then Dumped Me and I don't Know What to Do

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by Cleopatra Jones Cleopatra Jones 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 24 total)
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  • #729344 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Fyodor, you made me snort my iced tea. 🙂

    #729359 Reply
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    Fyodor

    The caffeine was probably no good for you anyway.

    #729407 Reply
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    Val

    Be happy with the good that happened but don’t hurt so much over it’s ending. As they all stated, count your lucky stars because you dodged a bullet. There will be more people for you to meet and enjoy better things with. He does sound fishy, so if you’re still communicating with him just accept he is gone don’t let him feel like he is that worthy!. Let your mutual lousy friend keep the felon.

    #730424 Reply
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    baccalieu

    Whatever happened to “standing by your man”. She finds out that he is facing felony charges and she requires him to stay on the phone comforting her for hours, when he’s the one looking at jail time, not her. Then after a day thinking about it, she tells him that she will support him (how noble!) but only conditionally, if he proves himself to her. That’s some great support she’s giving him. No wonder it’s something he decided he could do without. I would expect that if he accepted her offer, he would have to devote a great deal of his time and effort over the next few months to keeping her calm and happy and satisfying her need for proof, when he needs to focus on whatever can be said or done to mitigate his sentence (assuming he doesn’t plan to fight the charges) and making plans to deal with whatever sentence he gets and to try and put some kind of life together when he gets out.

    If he is worth hanging onto despite making such a serious mistake, she should know that after three years. If he’s not, then it doesn’t matter anyway. Despite three years together, it doesn’t seem like these two care enough about each other to spend much time trying to salvage the relationship, so I agree with everyone else’s advice to move on.

    #730425 Reply
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    Ron

    Stand by what? Regardless of how long you’ve known your significant other, suddenly being told that they had committed financial fraud and were charged with a felony would strike most people as stunning evidence that they never truly knew the other person and had greatly over-estimated their character. Nowhere did bf claim that he was innocent.

    #730426 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Tammy Wynette defended that song – recorded in 1968 and derided by the feminist movement as a statement that women should be subordinate to men – as actually meaning that women should overlook their man’s faults. Their *faults,* like leaving the toilet seat up or being tardy to things, not like committing felonies. Standing by a confessed criminal is not a thing that women need to do.

    #730427 Reply
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    baccalieu

    Actually, if I’m reading her letter correctly, not only did the boyfriend not claim he was innocent, he admitted to her that he was guilty. But even if he is guilty, he still has the right to require the Crown (sorry, I mean the prosecution – my Canadian is showing) to prove its case and whether or not he should do that and how are a couple of the many things he has to worry about right now. Even if he is convicted, most felons are going to get out of jail some day, and if they are ostracized when they get out it is little wonder that many of them go on to commit further felonies. You should not simply write people off forever because they committed a crime, even if the crime is a serious one.

    My point was that she seems to not understand why he didn’t appreciate her offer of support, when the reason is quite obvious. She has every right to not support him and certainly many or most women would not do so. But if you are going to offer to support him, you should actually do it and not make it all about you. It seems to me that she doesn’t really understand the meaning of support. Tammy Wynette may well have meant only forgiving small peccadillos, but she certainly meant that what you decide to forgive you should genuinely forgive.

    #730428 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    “You should not simply write people off forever because they committed a crime, even if the crime is a serious one.”

    Sure you should, if you want to. You’re not obligated to stick with anybody, and you can break up with someone for any or no reason.

    And don’t put words in Tammy Wynette’s mouth, RIP.

    ETA, she only said that women should *attempt to overlook* their husbands’ shortcomings.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by avatar Kate.
    #730433 Reply
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    Fyodor

    She’s his college girlfriend, not his wife. It’s reasonable for her seriously reconsider the relationship.

    It’s a moot point, anyway. Whether it’s because he felt she wasn’t supportive enough (I am doubtful) or a pre-existing desire for exit and/or to start providing plow service to his female “friend” (correct), he wants out. She should move on.

    #730476 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You seem to be missing the point that he dumped her, not the other way around. The felony confession may be a made up story to break up.

    If he is a felon it will impact the entire rest of his life and she would need to spend some time figure out if she could live with that. To automatically decide, with no reflection, that you will stick by someone no matter what they did is just stupid. Everyone needs to think about a changed situation and decide whether it will work for them long term.

    You talk about salvaging the relationship. You do know that salvage is what happens when things are destroyed and you try to pick little bits that aren’t totally damaged out of the mess. Say a tornado destroys a house and people sift through the rubble to try to find a few items they can save. You can’t salvage a relationship. If it is like a house that is rubble or a ship that sank it is over and gone and all that you can do is take a few mementos with you.

    #730487 Reply
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    Ron

    Skyblossom —
    I really like your concluding sentence.

    Baccalieu —
    If the person having the affair has a duty to make the SO comfortable going forward, why doesn’t the person who just screwed up both of their lives by committing a felony? Why should it be her job to suck it up and just comfort him, rather than requiring reassurance that he is willing and capable of being a responsible, trust-worthy, law-abiding SO going forward? Like the SO of a cheater, she has just discovered that he isn’t really the person he had convinced her he was. This is a character problem she wasn’t previously aware of and it is a very big character problem.

    Yes, society should give him a second chance — after he serves his time — but society is unlikely to trust him in jobs in which he has to handle $ and won’t ever fully trust him, and neither should she. Dating is a process to learn about another person you are attracted to, to kick the tires and see if there really is a deeper compatibility. It was his job to convince her that they were actually compatible, despite the shocking new evidence to the contrary. He chose not to do that. That’s on him. She sounds supportive from what she wrote. Supportive means neither brain dead nor totally self-sacrificing. She gave him a second chance. He blew it. Likely he was a cheater as well as a felon and never really wanted a second chance.

    #730601 Reply

    I’m sorry Bacc but…ain’t nobody got time for that. Why in the world should this young woman, with her whole life ahead of her, run after a soon to be convicted felon? This dude is probably looking at least 5 years. No one around here is needs to encourage her to wait for him. This isn’t some shitty rom-com where he’s innocent, and she waits for him to get out of prison so they can live happily ever after. That shyte never works in real life.

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