- April 14, 2017 at 7:24 am #681871
From a LW:
I am torn and don’t know what to do about my relationship. Ive been dating Mike for eight months now; he is wonderful to me, takes care of me, and spends most of his time with me, which I really appreciate. I stay at his place three to four nights a week.
I earn a very small salary and my family is not very well off, so I have very limited funds each month to contribute to our relationship. I will usually offer to pay for a breakfast or lunch once a month, I will buy toiletries for his place when I stay there, and I have started giving him some money for groceries. It’s not much but it’s honestly all I can afford. He comes from a wealthy family and has always been used to the good life, traveling shopping, etc. In the past year he has been down because his business has not been going well and he is not earning much at all and so his lifestyle has changed, which he hates.
Anyway, that is the background. When we fight or when he has had a bit to drink, he will often call me spoiled and ungrateful and say that I should be thanking him for wanting to take me on holiday and pay for me. Of course I thanked him! To be honest, I have always been very grateful for everything, especially because I didn’t grow up having nice things and traveling as he did. For some reason, I almost feel as though, when he does something nice for me, he then expects me to kiss his feet for it, acting very arrogant as though I would never enjoy life if I hadn’t met him. He doesn’t say it, but he is arrogant about money.
The other thing he does is put me down. If I complain, because I worry about him, about his drinking 2L of whiskey a night during his “business meetings,” he turns around and says that I am ungrateful and that his meetings make lots of money and my sitting in a shop working makes peanuts so I shouldn’t have an opinion about his “work”. He immediately attacks me like that and condescends to me about how I know nothing about the real world, etc. He shouts and says I am a know-it-all.
I struggle because I am a proud person too, and I think that his insecurities about money are making him lash out at me to make himself feel better. I don’t know what to do, and I am frustrated that he thinks I am ungrateful when I have never been the type to care about money, etc. He has also told me once when drunk that I am ungrateful because he spends so much money on me. He does spend on me food-wise and if we go out, but he doesn’t ever buy me gifts and I never ask for money or anything from him.
I do love him and we are compatible in so many ways, but it’s his arrogance and condescending attitude about work, money, etc., that really makes me feel down.April 14, 2017 at 8:26 am #681876
He sounds like a drunk, condescending asshole. Eight months is long enough–this is who he is. MOA.April 14, 2017 at 8:57 am #681880
Yeah, stop trying to justify his shitty behavior. It doesn’t matter why he’s treating you so poorly, he is.
He’s a dick. MOVE ON!
Also, what happens if business doesn’t pick up for another five years? Are you willing to let him keep treating you like that?
Don’t get caught up in the idea that once he’s successful again, he’ll all of a sudden turn into a Prince Charming who will treat you well. He won’t AND he will have worn you down with his constant abuse. Then he’ll trade you in for a newer model.April 14, 2017 at 8:59 am #681881
The honeymoon stage is over. He’s shown who he is. It isn’t good. He’s been spoilt and can’t handle adversity. He needs to lash out at others to make himself feel better. You’re meant to be a person whom he loves and respects, he’s not capable of being a good person to you or others. Move on already.April 14, 2017 at 9:42 am #681900
How is getting drunk and shouting at you that you’re spoiled and ungrateful being “wonderful”? Girl, no. Dump him yesterday. No one who regularly gets drunk and shouts at you is worthy of your time. He’s not a good guy.April 14, 2017 at 9:53 am #681902
He loves drinking more than anything in his life. That is why, in this up economy, his business is doing less well. He may think 2 L of whiskey at a business meeting is fine and that he has handled the meeting brilliantly, but his business associates likely see an untrustworthy sloppy drunk who is rapidly spiraling down the toilet. He lashed out because you questioned his true love of booze. That’s an existential threat to him. He thinks money buys love and gratitude and subservience, because that’s how he was raised and that’s who he is. He feels it doubly now, because his Be drinking is causing that superior financial status to slip away.
Be glad that he just yells at you and insults you. If you stay with him much longer, he will start hitting you. He is literally drinking his life down the toilet and probably hates that and his inability to change and is totally frustrated and in his whole frustrating life, you are the only person whom he feels he controls thoroughly enough to lash out at like this. He will do this more and more as he sinks lower. MOA. Your safety depends on it.April 14, 2017 at 10:07 am #681906
OH my god how is this wonderful? Seriously? Because he’s nice some of the time? Would you accept this behavior from anyone else you’ve known less than a year? NO!
He is awful.
In any relationship someone will make more money, someone will make less. If the person making less is doing an honest day’s work and is still being denigrated – Fuck. That. Noise. Would you say a corporate attorney is allowed to berate her husband because he’s a school teacher? NO! Would you say a plumber is allowed to criticize his wife who is a public defender because he brings in more money? No!
MOAApril 14, 2017 at 10:27 am #681909
I don’t even know what to say. Is this what you think “wonderful” looks like? Is this what you think “he takes care of me” means? Is this what you think a loving, healthy, supportive relationship should be?
My God. I wouldn’t even go on a second date with this drunken asshole. I probably would have walked out on the first date.
And before you say, he wasn’t always like this, it’s only because he’s fallen on hard times…good men don’t react this way to hard times. They don’t guzzle two liters of whiskey a night (!!!) and take their failures out on the woman who loves them.
Why do you allow him (or anyone) to treat you this way? Think about that.April 14, 2017 at 10:30 am #681910
Is your version of compatible he likes being abusive and you are willing to take it? Make no mistake. He’s abusive. He thinks money is power and he can buy people. So unless you are willing to sell your self respect for a vacation, leave.April 14, 2017 at 10:52 am #681913
“He is wonderful to me”…contrasted with “he will often call me spoiled and ungrateful” and “The other thing he does is put me down”. Sorry, he is not wonderful to you. Get out now. There are guys out there who will never say derogatory hurtful things to you.April 14, 2017 at 9:21 pm #681987
Whenever someone describes their boyfriend or relationship as great or wonderful I know that some bad shit is coming.April 14, 2017 at 9:27 pm #681989
If he’s an arrogant asshole even a portion of the time, he’s not a nice guy.
Please leave. You deserve better.