November 14, 2017 at 10:29 am #726918
From a LW:
My boyfriend and I have only been dating for about 18 months. For about a year now we have been having sexual issues. He has no desire, no drive, nothing… he says he loves making love to me when we do but he just doesn’t have the drive or desire. When we were first together we literally had sex every night and now it’s been a month or more sense we made love. That’s our first issue… but on a bigger note… we both have grown children. He has a daughter almost 30 years old and she is apparently very jealous of me and our relationship! She talks to me about his ex’s and their sex… she at her current age tries to get his attention and want him all to herself … etc… but he had a mild heart attack back in February of this year and she was barely to be found and he’s been out of work on and off since and yet she never comes to spend any time with him when he’s home alone. She just in my opinion wants to be validated and wanted by him and yet not do anything to help. But also he talks to her about our sexual issues and I’ve expressed to him that I don’t appreciate that and that I’m really bothered by that and yet he continues to do so. We do have a lot of stress in our relationship right now as he does not have a job, we both have health issues, his daughter is causing great interference with our relationship, he is causing me to feel as if I can’t trust him, disrespected, betrayed by him, undesired…etc…. he keeps answering that he doesn’t know why he’s doing the things he is doing, how much he loves me and loves making love to me but just don’t have the desire or drive … please help me! I’d like to save our relationship but I’m just at my breaking point! Btw: I’m 46 and he’s 49. I’m on disability for chronic pancreatitis, diabetes, etc…. he is currently unemployed and drawing unemployment … so money is tight…. he had a heart attack in feb this year, and has some back pain issues. So we both are in a bad health place. We do have a lot on us but I still want need desire him! I understand people handle issues differently but this is driving me crazy! He is on Zoloft for stress/anxiety since maybe April. I’m not on anything but his lack of desire was way before the medication. His talking to his daughter about our issues and lack of sex, etc… is a huge issue! Cause I’ve asked multiple times for him not too! His daughters constant need for validation from her father is also disturbing because she’s almost 30, married, has 3kids of her own! His other daughter and I have a great relationship and she sees the jealousy! The daughter we have so much trouble out of has causes a lot of issues and jealousy issues but it’s also my boyfriends lack of respect of myself and my wishes causing problems!!!! I just need some much helpful advice! I’ve tried to include as much as possible but keep it short also. There’s always more to add but hopefully this will give you a small picture of our problems! We are only 18 months into this relationship and this all is happening!?!? Lord! I was married previously for almost 20 years and didn’t have this! We need help PLEASE! I love him and he says he loves me!!!!! I’m just not sure of what to do or where to go from here!November 14, 2017 at 11:56 am #726929
What is it you love about him? His lack of desire? His lack of honesty? His discussion of your sex life with his daughter? (That’s fucking gross by the way). You’re 46 that’s awfully young to resign yourself to a sexless relationship with a guy who has no discretion and a host of problems.November 14, 2017 at 12:52 pm #726932
He is 49, he is not going to change. If this relationship ( him and his daughters) aren’t working then go, why choose to be miserable.November 14, 2017 at 12:54 pm #726933
LW, you said it yourself…you’re only 18 months in, and everything sucks. Things started going bad at 6 months in. Why keep hanging on?
It always seems great at the beginning of a relationship, but that’s before you had a full picture of him and the way he lives his life. Now that you do see it, you don’t much like what you see. It’s OK to say “Look, this isn’t working for me.”November 14, 2017 at 1:19 pm #726936
Just MOA. Honestly, it sounds like you were desperate to get a new love, this guy became it, and are now clinging to this failed relationship for dear life. Why? Your description gives not even a hint of a reason to stay with this. It’s easy to say ‘but, we love each other’, but your are not happy together, neither of you respects the other, and he can’t even keep private moments private.November 14, 2017 at 2:13 pm #726939
Thank you all for the advice. I’m trying to weigh it all out. I do love him and he says he loves me.. I know love can not be the only factor in a relationship. I guess im scared of throwing away something that was so great in the beginning. What causes people or I suppose I should say a man to feel this way? Does stress, bad Heath, and all do that? Is it possible to get the once amazing love we shared back? And yes I agree… the sexual private matters are disgusting to have or be discussed with anyone! He says he’ll never do it again but I don’t know to believe that or not!November 14, 2017 at 2:39 pm #726941
It’s been bad for twice as long as it was good. MOA.November 14, 2017 at 3:12 pm #726942
“I guess im scared of throwing away something that was so great in the beginning. ”
That’s such a common refrain on this site. “But it was so perfect at the beginning, how do I get back to that?” I think the best answer to that is that a lot of the “great” in those early days was a combination of hormones, fantasy and wishful thinking. All you saw of him at the beginning was a guy who was crazy about you, couldn’t wait to be with you. He was at his best because he wanted to impress you. The potential was infinite.
Now, reality has set in. You’re dealing with money troubles. He’s had some big health challenges. You’ve had issues dealing with his daughter and her resistance to your relationship. You’ve seen how he handles all of that, and it’s not a picture that you’re liking the looks of. You now know you can’t trust him to keep private information about your sex lives to himself.
The TL;DR version of that is: You didn’t really know him back at the beginning. Now you do.
You can’t go back and un-know all the things you know now.November 14, 2017 at 7:45 pm #726956
What Essie said. What you had in the first few months wasn’t real. It was how every relationship starts. What you have now is what’s real. You’re never going to go back to that.
And honestly, the fact that things started going back after six months and you’ve stayed an entire year after that — that’s the issue with thinking that the beginning of a relationship is a true depiction of what a relationship with someone is going to be like indefinitely.November 16, 2017 at 12:29 am #727033
Emotional incest. That’s why he discusses those things with his daughter. It’s a real thing and blurred boundaries can be evidence of a much deeper issue.November 16, 2017 at 12:51 am #727034
I dont normally reply, nut i feel i need to say this.
My hudband is 47 (17 years my senior) while he loves me, enjoys having sex with me… the truth is if im lucky we have sex once a week. He has some… man problems. As he has gotten older the problems have gotten worse. Add to that his back and knee pain. Sometumes no matter what we do or how long its been. He cant get up. Hell sometimes in the middle it will just… die (sorry lack of better word) the sex thing can be age, and pain related.
Now the whole talking to his daughter abour your sex life, well that one i cant help you with.November 16, 2017 at 9:39 am #727044
Why is it “fucking gross” that a father and daughter are close enough to talk about sex?