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Dear Wendy

He wants kids, I don't

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This topic contains 40 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Marcela 2 months ago.

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    I’m 28 years old and my entire life I’ve always been confident that I never want kids. I have several different reasons as to why I don’t want them and I have always envisioned my life to be a certain way without them.

    I told my boyfriend this from day one, our first date and he then was on the same page as me and didn’t want kids either for most of the same reasons. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for a year, and recently the past few months we’ve been getting really serious. Like in the past we broke up a couple times but the past few months I know for sure that things are much better, we have resolved those issues. Our connection is intense and we both say we see a future together.

    However, just a little while ago he expressed to me that he changed his mind about kids. He now wants kids in the future and was afraid to tell me because he knows it may ruin our relationship because he knows I strongly don’t want any. We talked about this intensely and all options and circumstances and feelings and possibilities have been laid out on the table.

    He’s come to the conclusion that it would be harder for him to live without kids and he doesn’t think he could accept a life without kids.

    I have expressed that recently before any of this was even brought up that I have entertained the idea of having kids and having a family with him and I think that’s because my feelings for him are so strong it’s a nice idea to think of. But I like the idea more than actually doing it.

    It would make sense to break up now since differences on kids is a deal breaker. I know our relationship is relatively new but he is different to me than all my “he’s the one” fantasies. I thought he was the one and I can’t picture my life without him.

    Despite our differences on kids and he knows in the long run it will be a deal breaker, he said he still wants to continue with me and work on things. He said he could see a future with me but we are both worried about the future aspect of kids breaking us up.

    I don’t know what to do. I know we can’t wait around to see if one of us changes our minds. I would love to continue but I also can’t live every day worrying about breaking up because of the differences about kids.

    We are at a standstill. We know everything else in our relationship is good except that. Part of me thinks maybe we aren’t truly meant to be together if we can’t agree on this, that we want each other but know it won’t work. Or can it work?


    The only way it could work is if one of you genuinely changed your mind. How likely is that to happen?

    A good friend of mine’s husband just told her he doesn’t think she actually wants to have kids at all. Which is a huge problem because they’re getting into their late 30s and he’s always been 100% about having kids. And there are some life circumstances standing in the way of that happening for her right now. She also says she thinks she’d be fine without them.

    You do not want it to be 10 years down the road and you’ve married this guy and you’re like, I don’t think I want to do this, and he’s going to leave you because he wants kids and feels like you tacitly agreed to it.


    MOA, as you’re settings yourself up to heartache etc. Let him go. He won’t be happy without having children, so let him find someone who is excited by that.


    I’m afraid that’s a deal breaker. There’s no middle ground here, no compromise around it. If you continue to see each other, you’re just putting off the inevitable and making things harder on yourselves in the long run. I’m sorry.


    MOA would be my advice regardless of the kid/no kid issue. Off and on with only a year of dating? That connection isn’t healthy or strong enough to withstand the realities of a long term commitment. Save yourself the heartache and find someone who wants what you want.


    This is one of those fundamental differences where it isn’t going to work out, no matter how perfect the relationship seems to be now….but if you’ve been on and off for the last year, maybe it wasn’t as good as you’re thinking it was.

    Let him go to find someone who wants kids, and you can free yourself up to find someone who doesn’t want them.

    Northern Star

    The future he sees with you has kids in it. If you don’t want them, it’s just not going to work out in the long run. How much do you want to invest with him, knowing your relationship is going to end in a few years?


    Ugh this is the worst.

    If he wants them and you don’t and neither is changing their stance the relationship has an expatriation date.

    Don’t give into having kids just to keep him if you don’t want them. Then you’ll end up like the women on the blog I was reading a few weeks back about they have kids and regret it.

    Sorry, this is a tough situation. But it would probably be best to part way to let both of you find what you’re looking for. This is a deal breaker.


    Also I forgot To mention I asked him if he wanted to break up and eventually find someone who was sure They wanted kids and he said he just wants me.

    So I don’t know if Its hope for me that he will lean towards what I want or he’s just afraid to let go of me


    What are your reasons for not wanting kids? Because your decision doesn’t seem too fixed right now, since you say that you’ve been thinking about it. I ask for the reasons because there can be many. And some reasons are more serious than others. And if you take a good look at that, some things can change. I ask this because if you’re absolutely sure you won’t change your mind, then you need to end this.


    Also, one year on and off and already with issues, this is supposed to be the honeymoon stage. Everythings is super sweet and beautiful right now. “He only wants me” yeah, that is super romantic and nice and cute. In 3 or 4 years, if neither of you has changed your mind, he’ll resent you for not changing yours and you’ll resent him for not changing his.


    just a year in and already on and off? MOA… even if it’s just for that..

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