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Dear Wendy

Help Me Stop Being Jealous

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This topic contains 42 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar carolann 1 month ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 43 total)
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  • #717495 Reply
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    Ron

    I don’t think I said what some have said I said, if that makes sense. I said that guys are going to look at attractive women. Staring at them is another issue. It is wrong for bf to blatantly stare and he should change that. It is not only rude to his gf, but harassing to the other woman as well and makes him appear to be an ass, which perhaps he is. But, the ‘I get jealous when my bf looks at other women and feel put down because I know he thinks they are more attractive than me, and I know I’m not his type, so perhaps I should lose weight to be closer to his type, although I’m already a healthy weight’ is on the LW. He needs to not blatantly stare at other people, whether it’s beautiful women, street people, physically challenged, minorities, whatever… blatantly staring at others is a very aggressive and provocative thing to do. LW’s thinking is a problem, despite that.

    #717496 Reply
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    SherBear

    “I want advice, but not like that”

    #717497 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I disagree that “boys will be boys” or that this is just what people do. I’ve never dated anyone who blatantly ogles another woman right in front of me. I’ve never even noticed a boyfriend noticing an attractive woman right in front of me, though I don’t doubt it has happened. I’m oblivious to the latter, but I’d be bothered by the former. Have you told him it bothers you and asked him to stop? And if not, why not? And if you have, is this a dealbreaker for you?

    I’m not a jealous person by nature, so it’s not a chronic issue I’ve ever had to work through. But, I’ve had my moments of jealousy, and because it’s fairly rare for me, that’s become my cue to do self-reflection to understand where it’s coming from and why. In my last serious relationship, I remember feeling jealous of my now-ex’s male cousin of all people — my ex was planning to go to a family wedding on a Saturday night, told me he didn’t get a plus one, but expressed excitement to spend time with his cousin. It made me jealous, but also made me realize that I wasn’t have my needs met because we hadn’t been spending enough time together. Turns out he was actually at a wedding with his OTHER girlfriend that night. We broke up like two days later, and he moved in with and married that woman within a few months. After that I was a jealous lunatic because I felt betrayed and replaced and generally not good enough, and I tried to get over it on my own, but eventually acknowledged that I couldn’t. So I hauled ass to therapy and started running to get my self-esteem back in check. So. There’s some conversation for ya about overcoming jealousy: I overcame the underlying issue with therapy and exercise.

    Jealousy isn’t a pleasant emotion, nor do I think it’s normal for it to persist in a happy, healthy relationship. I don’t know why you’re so reluctant to go to therapy. You can write into an advice site all you want, but based on your responses you’re fairly defensive and seem to think that someone here will somehow write something that gives you an easy fix to make your problems disappear just like that. I dunno. Nobody here is being mean, so I’m not sure why you’re so offended by the responses.

    #717500 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    @Ron, I think I read your posts as intended. Everyone has their mynah bird vision. People look at the things that are pretty & shiny. Some guys stare at cars. Some women stare at shoes. Some women stare at cars. Some men stare at shoes. When the behavior becomes disruptive, it’s rude. If I were talking to someone and they were constantly looking beyond me to see their pretty&shiny – rude.

    @rose is also adding a layer of mind reading – “he’s looking because he wants that more than he wants me and she’s more attractive and she’s more desirable and I’m too fat for him” that is going to crush her.

    If I understand what you were saying – people are always going to look at their pretty & shiny – it’s simply a matter of how well they control their own behavior and prioritize the people they’re with at the time.

    #717508 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    I haven´t read the whole thread so I don’t know if this has been said before, but yeah, you should talk to him and tell him it bothers you.
    NOT ALL MEN are the same though, I was with my ex boyfriend for three years and I NEVER once caught him looking at another woman. Never. I’m not saying he never did, but maybe he was too careful so I wouldn’t feel disrespected or maybe he didn’t look at other women or maybe I wasn’t aware that he was looking because it has never bothered me if guys look. I look at men AND women because someone attractive is going to catch my eye.
    LW though, your validation should only come from yourself, and you need to work on that. From your letter seems like yo feel beautiful IF your boyfriends tells you and only looks at you, and that shouldn’t be that way. The fact that he glances at other women shouldn’t bea reason for you to think that they are more beautiful than you or that he doesn’t find you attractive.

    #717514 Reply
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    Ron

    Staring and leering is different from looking. The key in the response to this post is that LW’s concern is jealousy and that he is looking, not embarrassment that the guy stares and leers at other women. He needs to fix the latter, which is a big problem, but the LW’s problem seems to center around the former and it’s link to her fear that she isn’t her type. She is making too much of type and feelings of her own physical inadequacy, which seems to be entirely in her own mind, and perhaps not enough about the bf’s rudeness to her and the women around them. It is two similar, but different issues.

    #717517 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Part of the issue is that we don’t have a sense for what exactly is happening. I think that there is probably some range of behavior, like a reflexive glance that we think that most women would probably let go. Whereas if it’s a long searing ogle, it’s a bit different. The LW comes across as so whiny and unhinged that it is hard to tell what we’re dealing with.

    #717541 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    If he’s holding it long enough that she a) notices and b) can follow his glance specifically to the body part he’s looking at, then he’s holding it too long to be polite, IMO.

    #717575 Reply
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    Gwyneth

    I’ve never dated someone who did that, or had a friend or a relative do that in front of me. I would not want to marry someone like that. Even if you get him to change that behaviour in front of you, you are a young woman with little baggage, you have much better options. Don’t get stuck with someone who’s obviously been affected by toxic masculinity/ rape culture AND didn’t have a family nice enough to teach him manners (either that or he knows how rude he is and he selfishly doesn’t care that he’s rude to you). It could be ignored but it’s what it says about him that’s the problem. Don’t try to accept this or get over your “jealousy”. It would be weird if you were jealous every time he was friendly with a waitress (which is polite) but it’s not weird that you don’t like him looking at a waitresses boobs (which is rude.)

    #717578 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I agree that it’s hard to answer without seeing it happen. I find it annoying when I’m talking with someone and they keep looking over my shoulder, regardless of what they are looking at. But in this case, it’s hard to know how often this happens and how long he looks, etc. I think with your history, it’s also likely that you are super sensitive to it in a way other people aren’t.

    I don’t think it’s appropriate in a relationship to say, “I don’t do this, so you shouldn’t either” when it comes to someone that isn’t inherently bad. You don’t know if it matters to the person as much as it matters to you. Who knows? Maybe if you said that to your boyfriend, he’d say, “Oh, I don’t really care if you look at other guys from time to time.”

    #717582 Reply
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    Ange

    I feel like a lot of the posters here probably wouldn’t know if their BF was looking at women not just because he’s not ogling with giant cartoon eyes but also because they’re not looking for it. I feel OP is definitely watching this guy’s every twitch due to her insecurity and that is contributing to this being a bigger deal than it should be. My husband doesn’t ogle because that is rude but he’ll occasionally comment on an attractive woman (his latest favourite is Nasim Pedrad in People of Earth) and because I’m not seething with my own issues I agree she’s very pretty and we all move on. If OP’s boyfriend is glancing rather than ogling a secure person could just… carry on. Hence why we’re all suggesting this is an internal problem OP.

    #717631 Reply

    I would ask him to be respectful and stop staring at women when your out on a date together. Also talk to a therapist, nothing wrong with working through issues.

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