Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

His way or no way!

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #666159 Reply
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    Layla

    To make a long story short- my boyfriend is a big baby! A 31 year old baby who I have been dating for 2 years now. If he doesn’t get his way, we get into a huge fight EVERY time! These are not simple fights either. He yells and calls me names such as b**** and c***, which by the way is totally unnecessary!!

    A few examples are: 1) He fought with me for 2 days straight about my sister staying with us for the holidays! 2) He got mad at me and threw a fit because I went to visit my grandma at the hospital the day before Christmas eve and was 30 minutes late getting home. We were leaving for a night get-a-way and he acted like being 30 minutes late was the worst thing I’ve ever done to him! He said I didn’t care about his birthday, even though his birthday was the next day and I was the one who had planned our out of town trip specifically for his birthday. The fact that I was at the hospital visiting my grandma and he got that angry was so upsetting that I didn’t even want to go on the trip anymore. He said I didn’t care about him or his feelings even though I cut my hospital visit short to rush home. He even threw a pair of gloves at me so hard that I have a bruise on my arm. 3) Yesterday, I left my keys at a spa after getting a pedicure- the first I’ve had in a year! They closed right afterwards so I didn’t have a chance to get them back. I asked if he could take me to work this morning and he called me an irresponsible b****. (These fights are all in the last two weeks by the way)

    I’ve been so stressed out by how he makes me feel like I have to be on pins and needles every 5 minutes that I even took a shower one day and realized when I got out that I didn’t even wash my hair because I was in such a hurry!

    I am so fed up with all this behavior and can’t believe I have put up with it for so long! I told him how I felt last night and he just turns into a different “loving and caring” person and says he totally agrees how he is wrong and will never act that way towards me again. He apologized again this morning and doesn’t want to lose me. What do I do? I am in an apartment living with him- making an escape plan is a lot more difficult. We share furniture, etc. and coming up with money for moving and a new deposit doesn’t just happen over night.

    We do have great times together, but especially in this last month the bad is starting to outweigh the good as you can probably “see”. It’s heartbreaking to break up with someone, but I feel like he is a dr. jeckell/mr. hyde type and I never know how he might react to something….

    #666160 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    DTMFA and don’t fall for his ‘amazing transformation’ that will disappear the moment he feels like you’re under his thumb again. Scrape together the money and leave-a 1/2 share of furniture isn’t worth this crap.

    #666161 Reply
    Monkeysmommy
    Monkeysmommy

    Your boyfriend sucks. MOA.

    He tells you he was wrong and will change but he won’t. It is just to keep you from leaving. Leave.

    #666163 Reply
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    Vathena

    That is classic abuser behavior. Leave him NOW, get out NOW, and don’t tell him you’re leaving. Do it when he’s at work, pack up and get out. The most dangerous time for someone living with an abuser is when they leave. He’s sweet talking you now because he’s trying to keep you on the hook for more abuse. Don’t fall for it. He’s a bad guy and he will never change.

    #666167 Reply
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    Vathena

    Tell a friend or family member what’s happening and see if they can give you a place to stay while you save up for a new deposit. Consider the furniture a sunk cost – your safety is more important. Take your personal things and get out as soon as you can. You can replace furniture. Your friends and family will probably be relieved that you are leaving him and may be willing to pitch in some of their household items to help you out.

    #666169 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes, this is abusive, you do need to leave. Let us know if you need help doing so. Please don’t fall for the sweet talk, that’s normal abuser shit. What matters is he’s controlling, angry, mean, physically harms you (that will likely keep happening and get worse), and has you walking on eggshells all the time. It’s over.

    #666173 Reply
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    saneinca

    I think you also wrote in earlier about your sister’s visit and your BF getting angry about it ?

    Yes, this relationship is not working. You need to get out. I suggest you look up your lease terms and check if there is any penalty for early termination. As suggested in this thread, move out to a friend’s or relative’s house until you have enough money for a deposit. You can also look at sharing/sub leasing for a short while.

    #666184 Reply

    Honestly, having nothing and sleeping on a couch is so much better than staying with someone who treats you this way.
    Landlords are generally receptive to early termination because it literally happens all the time. I’ve had to move often for work. It normally just takes a little cash incentive to get them to terminate early. So, like off your security deposit, or your last month’s rent. Regardless, you need to leave because this is getting worse and worse and I’m sure we haven’t even heard the worst of it.

    #666231 Reply
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    Janelle

    Seriously abusive.

    #666237 Reply
    FireStar
    Firestar

    Call your family. Have them come get you or leave when he’s gone. You already know that this is not how a relationship should be.

    #666302 Reply

    Layla, please please please listen to everyone and start planning NOW to get out ASAP. His behavior is horrendous and your dynamic is unhealthy (to say the least) and will get WORSE, not better.

    The ONLY option is to get out.

    I promise you that there are men out there who are capable of discussions (arguments even!) who do not name-call. I promise you that there are men out there who would tell you to stay until hospital visiting hours are over to see your sick grandmother, NO MATTER what plans the two of you have or that it makes you “late” getting home. Etc, etc for each situation you have explained.

    You deserve better. The only person standing in the way of your brighter future is you. THe two years (wasted), the furniture, the lease, all of that is not worth staying in this awful relationship.

    #666361 Reply
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    Layla

    I honestly appreciate the feedback from you all! He has been nothing but kind to me since I told him I wanted out of the relationship a few nights ago… as you can imagine! I know the only reason he is acting like this is because he doesn’t want to lose me. He may feel bad, but you are all right and I know that he WILL do this again, he WILL act like this again and it will just be an ongoing rollercoaster of him being perfect and nice until something doesn’t go his way again in a few months.

    I am talking to my mother and sister at dinner tonight so that they can help me come up with a plan to move out. I think I found a place to stay in the interim until I can find my own place and finally move on! I’m scared to tell him and not sure if I will tell him my plan or just do it while he is at work like someone suggested. I’m leaning towards that, just so that there isn’t any major altercation so wish me luck! Have never been in this situation before so it’s all new territory… I always try to see the best in people and can’t believe that I fell into and actually put up with a guy like this!

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