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How can I tell the guy I just want to stay friends..when nothing's happened?

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar MMR 3 weeks ago.

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  • #689220 Reply
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    Angelique Sayson

    So, I met this guy recently-initially, he asked for my # because he was interested in working for the non-profit I’m employed at. He asked me to meet with him for coffee, and then we spoke about work stuff, but also ended up talking about our personal lives-we just connected really well on so many things, and ended up talking for 3 hours. Since then, we have also been texting nearly everyday(which includes him saying flirty things, such as, “oh that’s pretty cute”-but that’s the extent of the flirtation), and we also ended up talking on the phone at 1:00am for over 2 hours-then 3 days later since our first meeting, we hung out(I know it’s not a date) a second time. It is apparent that we enjoy each other’s company very much-so much so that last time we hung out, he forgot to put more money in the 2 hour parking meter where his car was and he ended up receiving a ticket.

    Fast forward to the present-last night, we texted for a short while, and then I had to go to bed, but I asked him if I could call him to ask him something(which was when he’d be free to hang out again). I told him I only wanted to talk for a minute, but before we knew it, 20 minutes had passed-time just flies because we have so much fun. Anyway, after we said good night, he texted me and said, “tbh, I like that you called me to ask when we could hang out, that was pretty cute”(and usually he says things I do are cute, and that’s pretty much the only form of flirtation I’ve received from him). So, I am hanging out with him again in a couple days.

    Here’s my dilemma: the second time I hung out with him, he mentioned he had a girlfriend. I was going to ask him out formally for a proper date, but of course when he said that, I didn’t do it.

    The weird thing is that nothing has changed between us since his mentioning of his girlfriend. However, despite my attraction towards him, and after consulting many online advice columns, I have ultimately decided that I am going to just stay platonic friends with him-we have such a great rapport and chemistry, that even though it may be a little hard initially, I really want to maintain this friendship-now the complicated part is telling *him* that-because, see, no “major non-platonic boundaries”(in my opinion) were ever crossed, besides the minor flirting(I never flirted back, mainly cause I get flustered and speechless).

    So, I’m not quite sure how to address this awkward, “just-a-little-more-than-friends” situation. Initially, I was going to just tell him, “Hey, I want to be really open and honest with you-because I like spending time with you so much, I was going to ask you out on a formal date last time we met-but since you mentioned you were involved with someone, so of course I backed off. I’m telling you about my feelings because I don’t want there to be weirdness between us, if you think that I might have some “designs” on you or plan to seduce or lure you away, and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me in that way. However, now that you know how I feel, you should also know I highly value the brief, but close friendship we’ve built thus far, but if it makes you too uncomfortable to know all this stuff and you feel like being platonic friends with me is more trouble than it’s worth, than I understand if you don’t want to talk anymore.”

    So that was my option 1. I thought about it, but I don’t really know if that’s benefiting anyone other than myself, you know? But I am obviously biased from this perspective.

    The other little speech I was thinking might be better, and a little less frightening, was this one: “Hey, so I’ve been feeling like our friendship may have crossed some non-platonic boundaries recently. I shouldn’t be talking to you for 2 hours late at night, or texting you until 4am, when you have a girlfriend, and I want to apologize for my part in that. I also want to say, that I really value our friendship, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.” So, something to that effect.

    So, should I say one of those two little speeches? Or should I even say anything at all?(Well, I feel like I should, because to be honest I don’t want to keep this ambiguity in our weird “more-than-friends” friendship.)

    Any help would be greatly appreciated. Please and thank you.
    -A.S.

    #689221 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Neither of those. IMO he’s acting pretty sketchy with the late-night calls, the hours-long hangouts, and telling you you’re cute (ew, sorry) and he likes that you called to ask him to hang out.

    HE should have told YOU already that he can’t do this. It’s not up to you to freaking apologize and try to make this into a friendship and control the boundaries. Do you think his gf knows about you and would feel just fine about what he’s doing? I doubt it.

    Just tell him you’re not comfortable hanging out with him since you found out he’s in a relationship, but to give you a call if he finds himself single.

    You’re attracted to him and want to date him. You don’t *really* want to be friends. You’d date him in a heartbeat if he told you he broke up with her. So it’s not ok in my opinion. He did cross non-platonic boundaries too, with the late night chat and that text. You’re lying to yourself if you think his girlfriend would be cool with that.

    Also, “The weird thing is that nothing has changed between us since his mentioning of his girlfriend.” That’s not really weird, you know why? By telling you he has a girlfriend he’s warning you that this can’t get serious, I.e, he can’t be your boyfriend. But he can keep flirting and texting every day and hanging out like you’re dating, because that’s what he wants to do. Be the bigger person and say no.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by avatar Kate.
    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by avatar Kate.
    #689225 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, if he met you out on the street where you were getting awareness for your nonprofit, and asked for your number and met you for coffee, that’s already a bit too much. My spidey senses suggest he wasn’t so much interested in your organization as in you. He could easily have just gotten your card, researched the nonprofit online, and reached out to you via email about getting his resume to the right person. That’s kind of what normal people do. And ok, so he takes you out for coffee to talk about the mission. Fine, he could probably even be open about that to his girlfriend. But everything else? No. How pissed would you be if your boyfriend was turning networking coffee dates into daily flirty texting and date-like hangouts? Yuck.

    #689284 Reply
    FireStar
    Firestar

    He’s shady af. You don’t need the speech. He knows exactly what the deal is. So do you. He told you about the girlfriend because that’s his get out of jail free card. Things will progress with him and you will become involved. And when you start asking him for more or making emotional demands on him he will tell you but I told you I have a girlfriend. What are you going to say then? He didn’t lie to you. You just want to be wilfully blind to the truth. Exactly as he wants you to be.
    As for you. There is a zero chance of this working out platonically. Because you already have feelings for him. And because he wants you to have those feelings. It’s been engineered that way. This is how he gets his side action. Whether it is just attention or he eventually makes it physical. Move on. Just ghost him. This isn’t going to end well for you.

    #689297 Reply
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    Heather

    Go in the opposite direction from this guy. Run, don’t walk. This guy is a player and frankly it’s a game he’s skilled at. Move on already.

    #689299 Reply

    If someone is interested in your work, give them your business number, not yours.

    He’s got a girlfriend. Stop responding and stop answering his calls. You can tell him you’ve decided to be a better person and not a side piece.

    #689319 Reply

    Yeah, he’s trying to set you up for sidepiece-dom with no emotional investment from him.
    You don’t even have to tell him anything. He’s not owed an apology or a soft let down. He’s owed a ghosting. Just block him, and move on.
    If he wants to work at your organization, he can find that shit out via Google. He doesn’t need you to ‘help’ him. He’s not your responsibility, he’s a grown ass man.

    #689322 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I’d just stop participating in this pseudo friendship and explain only if he asks. This isn’t the same as ending things in a normal dating relationship with a single guy. You don’t need to give him a speech or whatever about it. You choosing not to stay on the phone all the time with him and flirting is the behavior he should have been expecting.

    #689329 Reply
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    TheHizzy

    Everyone here is in the nose. Sorry LW.

    #689346 Reply
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    Angelique Sayson

    Thanks all for the objective advice! He’s a jerk, and I now I can clearly see that. Peace and blessings to you all <3

    #689358 Reply
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    marie1436
    Member

    Ya definitely tell him your not interested especially since he has a gf

    #689381 Reply
    bagge72
    bagge72
    Participant

    1. It seems like this guys is actually feeling you out to see how you would be with him cheating on his girlfriend.

    2. It really seems like the only reason you would want to tell him is that you are hoping he would somehow dump his girlfriend and go on a date with you or something like that. I mean there is literally no reason for you to tell him about your feelings and then tell him you want to just be friends. That is what you are right now just friends, why would you have to come up with some big speech to keep things exactly the same? So either be friends with him, and stop reacting to him calling you cute, or just walk away since he is feeling you out about the whole girlfriend/cheating thing. In the end as long as you don’t hook up with him, he will eventually ghost you anyway when he finds out there is no chance with you.

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