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How Do I Ask for Closure?

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by Monkeysmommy Monkeysmommy 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #667942 Reply

    Hi all. Pretty new user here, but a big fan of the site and appreciative of the insights of both Wendy and the regulars here. As such, I thought I’d run through a situation I’m dealing with and ask for some input. [EDIT: Apologies for the length.]

    A couple of months ago, I met someone to whom I felt instant attraction. From what I could tell, it was instant for both of us (she confirmed this about a month later). But since it had been about five years since I dated anyone, I thought it best to take it slow. It took me a long time to get over my last relationship, which was horribly chaotic, so I didn’t want to rush into anything. On top of that, she had a lot going on in her personal life. She was trying to get visitation rights for her daughter, and I didn’t think she needed any distractions from that.

    So we stayed just friends for about a month, and I never brought up the idea of dating. The only reason we started dating in the first place was because she asked me. We took it slow, seeing each other only 3-4 times a week and never having any overnight visits. Again, when that finally changed, it was only because she asked me to come to her place.

    That was pretty much the night things went south. After probably the best night I’ve ever spent with anyone, she promptly kicked me out. Like, before I was even dressed. I tried to ask why. Was the sex bad, or was she not really ready for it? She said it wasn’t any of that. She said that I was just an ugly freak, that she didn’t care about me, and that I was stupid if I ever thought she did. She made personal attacks against my job, my religion, etc. When I left that night, I was convinced that I had been right to spend all that time not dating, and that I just shouldn’t trust anyone but myself.

    Here’s the thing, though–I don’t think she meant what she said. There was something off about it. She sounded upset, like she was going to cry. It made me feel like she had some weird reason for kicking me out, something that maybe had more to do with her than with me. I’ve talked to some friends and family about it, and they don’t believe me. But they didn’t see the look in her eyes when it was happening.

    The advice I’ve received on how to move forward has been off-putting. My male friends suggested revenge, which isn’t really who I am–especially not in the vulgar ways they suggested it. (And for the record, I’m not even considering that.) The women in my life suggested avoiding her at all costs. (This one, I AM considering.)

    But aside from avoiding her, I see two possible options. First, I can try to ask her what happened and see if there’s still a potential future here. I know we’ve only known each other two months and only dated for one of them, but up until this night we had a better connection than I’ve had with anyone I’ve dated. And she was always so sweet and kind that I just can’t wrap my head around the person I saw her become that night.

    The other option–and this is the one I’m leaning toward–is to ask why she did what she did, but do so without any intentions of seeing her romantically again. It seems to me like she’s struggling with some personal issues that I don’t know about, and we just may not be as healthy a match as I initially thought. I want closure, and I want reasons for what happened, but I’m not sure I want to put myself at risk of having it happen again.

    So I guess my question is two-fold. First, which option(s) seem acceptable? Second, if I go with the last option, how do I ask that question in a way that will allow things to end amicably? Because as hurt and angry as I am, I still care about her more than I probably should after such a short “relationship.” I don’t want things to end on a sour note.

    #667946 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Closure is something that comes from within. It’s not something that anyone can give you. It happens when you fully understand, and accept, that the person is not the right one for you.

    But I don’t think closure is what you really want from her. I think you’re hoping that she’ll give you some explanation that justifies her completely unacceptable behavior, so you can pretend it never happened and go on seeing her.

    You don’t mention that she’s made any attempt to apologize, or even to contact you. You’ve convinced yourself, in the absence of any evidence, that she didn’t really mean it, based on “the look in her eyes.”

    This is someone you’ve been dating for a few weeks. It’s not even a relationship yet. She’s either a truly nasty person who was playing you, or she has some very serious emotional problems. Walk away.

    And keep dating. It takes time to find the right match.

    #667947 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Unfortunately they’ve already ended on a sour note. I have no idea what prompted her to freak on you but the way she did it makes it very clear that she is in no way a healthy match for you because she herself isn’t healthy. Your instincts to move slowly with her were right but you got swept up–it happens–but what you said about only trusting yourself comes into play here. When dating you need to listen and act on your instincts about people. Doing so allows you to open up and trust others because you are trusting and acting according to what your own radar is picking up. In this case, I think you should just move on knowing that for whatever reason she wasn’t in a good place. It’s hard when you’ve been single for awhile and you spark with someone but it doesn’t work out but ultimately that’s all this was–something that didn’t work out. Take the lesson in trusting your own read of a situation and keep your chin up. The more practice you have the easier it gets, truly.

    For the record, I think you could use some new male friends…hopefully they’re just trying to be supportive but promoting revenge isn’t a nice look.

    #667950 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Your female friends are right. Go no contact, block and delete. When someone treats you like that a month into a relationship, something is seriously wrong with them. She’s really messed up, and if you try to either get closure or continue seeing her, literally nothing good will come of it.

    Right before my husband met me, he dated a woman for 3 months tops, from Match. She was attractive and classy/fancy, had her shit together on the surface, etc. I’ve actually run into her socially a few times and she seems totally fine. But apparently when she drank, she got extremely dark and said awful, insulting things to him, even about his mom and family. She was obviously fucked up. Some people just are. It’s not you. But once they show you, you have to walk away or they’ll keep doing it.

    #667951 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, “trying to get visitation rights” to see her daughter? That’s usually a really bad sign if a mom is being kept from seeing her own kid. She’s fucked.

    #667955 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    What Kate said about visitation rights – that’s a huge red flag. If a parent isn’t allowed to see their own kid, something very serious is wrong. My guess is she does drugs, and she had managed to never do them around you, but the night you slept over she couldn’t make it through the whole night. So she got up and got high while you were asleep, and that’s why she was so different. And that’s why she can’t see her kid. Walk away from this, she has problems you can’t solve. She has to solve them herself before she’ll ever be ready for a relationship.

    And agree that your male friends have serious issues. Revenge, really? Either they’re very immature or they’re complete assholes or both. You seem like a nice guy. You deserve better friends.

    #667959 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Drugs, alcohol, mental illness, abuser, or all of the above.

    #667966 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    @kate, yep. OP, I somehow missed the part about her trying to get visitation. As others have said that is a HUGE red flag. Yes, it’s possible to bounce back from issues that would cause your kids to be taken away but she’s obviously not there yet. Stay away and count yourself lucky that she revealed her issues now.

    #667972 Reply
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    Ron

    Seeking closure is usually a bad idea. One seldom actually receives any real answers and it just drags out the break up and healing process. Most who seek closure seem to actually be seeking reconciliation. Even if you do manage to reconcile, the same issues which led to the first break-up will quickly lead to a second. Relationships end for a reason and yours has barely even started. Also, it’s hard to seek closure without seeming either desperate or stalkery.

    #667973 Reply
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    Anonymousse

    She is a wreck. There’s nothing she could say that would make this okay or explainable. If you contact her, she will either, keep abusing you, apologize and behave normally again, just to abuse you later on.
    Your female friends are right. Your make friends…I honestly was struck when I read what you wrote they said. It’s shocking, I don’t even know the depths of what they were saying, but this woman is either mentally ill, or on drugs, neither is funny or deserving of punishment. I would really examine what kind of influence your male friends have in your life and your views about women.

    #667974 Reply
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    Anonymousse

    Ron is dead on about closure. It is a myth.

    #667975 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    Closure is from an episode of Friends. It’s a punchline. It’s not a real thing you can get from anyone. Any interaction with the other person just opens things up further – it never closes them. Moving on is the only real closure.

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