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Dear Wendy

How Do I Ask for Closure?

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by Monkeysmommy Monkeysmommy 6 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #667976 Reply

    Do not contact this person again. Any future interactions or attempts to get closurw will be poisonous, with her trying to convince you that it’s your fault. Be happy that you got out when you did. Block her email, block her phone and excise her mentally from your life.

    Also, revenge is a loser’s game and just enmeshes you further with someone that you want out of your life.

    #667977 Reply

    Right, the problem is, very few people, or maybe no one, is self-aware enough to really understand why they would behave like this woman did to you, let alone admit it. My husband says when he talked to this woman he was dating about how she had spoken to him, she acted like she didn’t remember, or really didn’t, and she was apologetic, but she did it again. He says this happened about 3x before he broke up with her. And he got closure by cutting off contact and moving on. What do you think this woman is going to do, give you an acceptable psychological explanation for how she acted? And then be cured? Nope.

    #667978 Reply

    To be honest I recommend the above even for regular exes. But 1000 times true for what you are experiencing.

    #668000 Reply

    What the others said. Closure is not a real thing. People create the idea of closure, IMO, in order to either not move on and give them an external excuse for not doing so, or to give them a reason to speak to someone they miss. The idea of closure is silly because if you don’t get to complete whatever closure action (whether it’s talking to them or whatever), will you truly never get over it? The answer is no, or at least I hope so.

    The why doesn’t matter. Someone who does a 180 like that and says such horrible things to someone they are dating should not be in a relationship. So, if you’re hoping that she’ll say something that indicates she truly does want to date you, that’s a bad, bad idea. It’s like seeing a truck driving toward a cliff and jumping in the back. You need to not have contact with her. It’s over, and it’s disappointing, but it’s still over, so it’s best to move on.

    #668031 Reply

    Closure doesn’t come from another person. It’s a decision you make to recognize a person isn’t good for you and you move on. Nothing good will come of furthering contact with someone you know to be unstable and who has hurled insults at you. Have a little self respect. Be grateful it has only been 2 months.

    #668510 Reply

    First off, to everyone who says I need new friends…yeah. I was already coming around to that conclusion, but their “advice” put a particularly thick layer of icing on that cake. Especially the guy who said I should try to get back with her the next time my herpes flares up. (I don’t have herpes, btw. This crankweed just leapt to that highly offensive conclusion apropos of nothing.) I honestly don’t know why I hang out with them in the first place, I just seem to be bad at saying no to people.

    Regarding the few who thought I was seeking reconciliation, that’s not entirely true. I certainly left that open-ended when I put “option(s)” in that last paragraph, so I can’t pretend a part of me wasn’t holding out for the chance that someone might say it was okay. But I was being honest when I said that I was leaning toward simply trying to end things on a positive note.

    That said, while I may be the kind of asshole who asks for advice with a pre-conceived notion of what I want to hear, I’m not the kind of asshole who disregards advice and argues with people who took time out of their day to be helpful. And it’s pretty clear what the theme of this advice has been. And frankly, as much as I had hoped to hear differently, a part of me was expecting this. I guess I just thought that, if someone could tell me how to ask for clarity, maybe she’d tell me that she didn’t really mean it and we could wrap things up in a pretty little bow before going our separate ways.

    It still sucks to think that I’ll never get answers. But you’re all right when you say that I might not get them even if I ask. That even occurred to me, I guess I just wanted SOMEONE to tell me that asking would be a good idea. I’m starting to realize I have a serious problem with going against my gut. Hell, it didn’t even escape my notice that the visitation thing was a red flag. I even knew the story behind it, and it’s absolutely bonkerballs. But I made excuses for it because it didn’t mesh with who I wanted her to be.

    Normally, a two-month fling probably wouldn’t weigh on me so badly. But the explosive ending just made it hard to grasp. And, to be truthful, it was hard not to obsess over the specific things she said. Most of them are things I already tend to think about myself, and it sucked having them come from someone who I thought saw me differently.

    I can’t pretend that I like it or that it won’t take some time, but I’ll work on moving on. And I’ll work on finding ways to validate myself instead of letting asshole guys and chaotic women do it for me. I start therapy in a couple of weeks, so maybe they can help with that.

    Thank you all for the harsh truths. It may not have been what I wanted to hear, but it’s starting to seem like I needed it.

    #668515 Reply

    So, if she was a normal, well-adjusted person who “didn’t mean it,” she’d have called you to abjectly apologize for her behavior. She doesn’t feel bad about it because 1) she was so wasted she doesn’t remember, or 2) she’s a total asshole and isn’t sorry, or 3) she has one or more of a host of mental health issues.

    She’s a mess, and in no way is it your responsibility or a good idea to try to ask her what happened in the hopes that you can walk away from this feeling good.

    Also, of course it hurts. She knew you well enough to know your insecurities and use them against you even at 2 months in. My husband’s ex did the same thing, really digging where it would hurt.

    #668518 Reply

    Look at the “explosive ending” as your closure. You were already starting to suspect that she wasn’t right for you, but you didn’t want to believe it. The evidence was accumulating (the bonkerballs visitation situation).

    Her big freakout was the great big neon flashing piece of evidence, the one you couldn’t ignore.

    It’s OK. Every relationship starts with the high hopes that you had. It’s absolutely, perfectly normal and right that you felt that way, and that you didn’t want to listen to your doubts when they started to pile up. We’ve all been there.

    Most relationships don’t work out. It’s just a matter of finding a match, and if you think of it like putting together a puzzle, it takes a lot of rummaging through pieces and unsuccessfully trying to fit them together before you find the one that’s the right fit.

    #668520 Reply

    ScreenSinger, I have found that the shorter relationships that end are harder to swallow. I’ve been ghosted on a couple of two – three month relationships. On a couple others, the person started acting distant/weird and finally broke up with me after I inquired about it. They gave me some BS about timing, or whatever you say to not hurt anyone’s feelings. On every single one, I thought I wanted closure. It took a while to get over. My ego was bruised. But once the dust settled, I’d realize that the person was right for me. And the older I get and more experience I have, the more I realize closure is a total myth and waste of head space.

    Most of us have been where you are. We second guess ourselves. Did I do or say something off putting? Was the person going through some kind of emotional crisis? The thing is, if it’s the right person, you won’t have to second guess anything.

    So… good luck in learning a little more about yourself. Learning more about what kind of partner you want. Learning to trust your gut. You seem thoughtful. I’m sure you’ll be fine!

    And yes, get rid of your male friends. Gross.

    #668895 Reply

    I stopped reading after she called you a freak and made you leave. When I read that she was fighting visitation for her daughter, I also immediately thought that something has to be wrong here. Honestly, you do not need closure from this person, you dont deserve to be treated or spoken to like that nobody does!! You are fine without closure, it is all in your head, your closure is that you are lucky to be out of that situation. She does not sound like a good person and thats only reading the first paragraph.

    #668896 Reply

    Sorry it cut off too soon. I know it is hard to not question your fault or what is wrong with you, we all do it. But honestly, I am learning in my life that peeople and relationships are placed in front of us to learn something about ourselves. You are here to be loved and to love, not to be the brunt of someone elses problems, remember that! You are so much more deserving of that kind of treatment, although it shows what a kind person you are that it has affected you, I hope you can see that you need to build yourself back up! There is someone out there that woulnd’t imagine hurting you or having you doubt yourself.

    #669717 Reply

    I’m so sorry that hurtfulness happened to you. I will say that you are lucky she so quickly revealed who she is. You are not lucky (or smart) if you go back for more, and you definitely sound smart enough not to do so. That being said, I echo much of the advice you have already received. In a sense what other people think of me is none of my business. It is important what I think of myself. What she did–whether she meant it or not–is her problem and her business. If you look at your part, you can see that you truly did not do anything wrong and you did not betray yourself. That is your closure. You can pray for her, and move on with a clear heart. (I think of how much she likely loves her daughter, and yet somehow damaged that relationship with her. In other words, please do not take personally her attack on you. Probably she is not able to show love for herself and/or for others at this time for whatever reasons. And for that I pray for her and her daughter. What matters is that you are able to show love for yourself and others. Please take care of yourself by moving on and finding someone able to give and show love. All prayers and blessings to you)
    Please forgive any errors or typos as I cannot scroll up to see what I wrote.

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