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Dear Wendy

“How Do I Ask My Partner’s Family to Send Invites to Me?”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “How Do I Ask My Partner’s Family to Send Invites to Me?”

This topic contains 37 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by FireStar Firestar 7 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #667081 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    From a LW:

    I’ve been with my partner for six years we have two daughters and when there are family get togethers they still just text or invite their brother and not me. There are issues which have come up regarding his communication problems and his step mother just informed me that he ‘doesn’t listen to anyone’ since he was little. So that validated me — but until and unless we split up, and since they are ‘old fashioned’ and traditional in other ways, I’m wondering why they do not invite ‘the wife’ (we are common law actually) their mother passed when they were all very young and they are bound by this tragic event. One sister had to pull another one aside one Easter to ‘school her’ on why her brother is so different now (this is after the first baby maybe I was pregnant with baby 2)

    Historically, my partner has, with friends and any other request for presence or invites, often seems ambivalent about going and basically procrastinates until the last moment to confirm. He acts as if he doesn’t wanting to be ‘put upon’ to attend. He doesn’t want anyone to want anything from him (this has become a huge issue for us— save that for later 🙂

    Last minute prep and planning is not easy with a family/ toddlers. I don’t know how to make sure they CC me on the invite. I have gently suggested it and get excuses supporting his poor behaviour which at this point is disrespect to me. They basically planned his 40th birthday without letting me know until it was all planned and I had trouble even suggesting which kind of cheesecake is his favourite– they got ice cream cake. He doesn’t like it!! Help. I realize it comes from him too– the respect for me– but out of common courtesy, should the sisters be letting me, the Mother, the partner, the planner, know about our get togethers to?? Thanks

    #667104 Reply
    Northern Star

    Your boyfriend needs to act like a damn adult and tell you when you’re invited to things. Yes, it would be nice if his sisters included you on the invites—but don’t be mad at THEM, when YOUR BOYFRIEND chooses to ignore his family.

    Perhaps they’re tired of him being so pig-headed.

    #667122 Reply

    Great, a flaky father who doesn’t want obligations. (le sigh)

    #667124 Reply

    This is a “husband” problem. He should be relaying the invites. He should also relay to his family that you wish to be included on them.

    #667127 Reply

    You don’t receive the invitations, or know about the events until the last minute? Then don’t go. If your partner’s family wants to see any of you, they’ll have to figure out that sending the invitations only to him doesn’t work. Sounds like they already know he’s a self-absorbed flake, so that’s on them. If he suddenly announces that there’s a family event this afternoon, just tell him that you already planned to do xyz with the kids, or let him take the kids without you. Only agree to go when it works for you. They didn’t ask you about the birthday party? He doesn’t like ice cream cake? Boo freakin hoo. That’s not your problem to worry about. Stop playing their game. You can’t change their behavior, only your reaction to it. Just worry about yourself and your kids. (Also, that’s great that he has you trained to have extremely low expectations for him to show up and be a reliable partner and father. NOT)

    #667129 Reply

    This IS more a problem with your parter than his family, though – but he doesn’t tell you about the invitations because he can’t be bothered to plan to attend. I would bet good money that he’s not telling you about the plans/invitations *on purpose* because he doesn’t want to have to follow through.

    #667156 Reply

    Sounds like you’re worrying about this more than any of the actual siblings are. Why not just let it happen? He doesn’t get the cake he wants for his birthday? Big whoop! If he whines about it, simply tell him that you would have been happy to tell his sister’s he prefers cheesecake if you had known in advance and move on with your day.
    I say don’t sweat it, make whatever plans you want and then don’t change them for things you aren’t invited to, and deflect all blame back where it rightly belongs (your husband).

    #667160 Reply

    Yeah – I don’t think you do anything. If you guys miss stuff because your partner forgets and doesn’t care enough to go, the family will learn to contact you instead eventually. Or if he actually does want to go to these things and regrets missing a few, maybe he’ll learn to be better about managing his invitations.

    #667162 Reply

    Tell your husband forward the emails. Set up a rule to automatically forward the emails. Get your husband’s password and check his emails. Whatever solution you want it starts and ends with your husband. If he doesn’t want to meet you half way then let him eat ice cream cake. Tell him if he wants you and the kids anywhere then you need a 2 day notice or he goes alone. If the family gives you back chat then tell them he didn’t tell you in time. Next time they can email you… Or not.

    #667163 Reply

    At the next event:
    “Hey, can you guys send the information for events to me? Gregothy doesn’t usually remember to tell me until the last minute and then we’re usually scrambling with the kids. This way, we can make sure we clear our schedules and can help. Thanks!”

    #667324 Reply

    Yes hey everyone thank you so much for the replies. It’s my first post and the responses are so good to read. As a busy travelling businesswoman turned part time working Mom I’m a little naive about the family etiquette issues and feel so supported here!

    So will write more clearly but here are a few points: he did tell me
    A few days in advance about the date place and time but then nothing much and kind of waffling about it. I’m left to prepare all the gifts and cards and he just roasted nuts. So all but one sister commented on any of the handmade gifts our daughters made they just commented on the nuts. I must add that the day of the event this time, my daughter had a fever of 101.3 and then higher and I didn’t want to go really except to get it over with and she was so very sick we stayed about an hour and I will not ever go to any event even if the hostess says ‘it’s ok’ and my BF says ‘it’s just low grade’ she is not even 3 and she was not in any spirit to play after 15 minutes.

    The sister, the oldest one who had to be taken aside two years ago, the one who said she was trying to ‘save me from myself’ when I was suggesting to participate in his 40th has taken her ire and spite from their mother in law to me. I mention this to my BF and point things out after each event and he’s just oblivious.

    I asked him to make sure to say something if I get thrown under the bus this time and as soon as we arrived the girls ran down and he went with them– leaving me upstairs alone to handle the gifts and stuff– I felt left behind and this is something he does whenever we are in public.

    This is now a follow up post!!

    That sister, the ‘two peas in a pod’ ‘bobsey twin’ ignores me, asks everyone what they want to drink and ignores me- he says nothing. She comes with a book in a bag and announces its for ‘him’ and ‘I think it’s the perfect book for Daddy’s to read to their little girls’

    I was hurt. I asked out loud if I can read it to my girls too and he said ‘yes of course’ I also added I grew up with those books too and couldn’t wait to get back into those stories and thank you. She just ignores me and he said nothing.

    He said to me today that he would rather avoid any social events ever because they are so much work.

    Hope this was done right..

    #667336 Reply

    Your response it hard to follow. At times the sentences seemingly conflict with one another… But you seem to revel in drama, The part about the book is fucking ridiculous… “I was hurt, can’t I read them to my daughters…” Oh good grief. Come on!

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