This topic contains 30 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Kate 6 months, 3 weeks ago.
- December 26, 2016 at 11:23 pm #666082
I met my husband 4 years ago and during the first months of our relationship, he admitted that he’s into cock fights and all kinds of gambling. Like cards, betting etc. I totally accepted him for that. Before he used to go cock fight 4 times a week but that changed ever since we started dating. It became only once a week.
Fast forwarding. We now have a 3 year old son and a new born beautiful daughter. I now handle all our money. I hold all his debit/credit cards and his salary is direct deposit. So basically I only give him money everyday enough for his lunch at work. Though we boht manage all the expenses, I still hold everything. Once a week he goes to the cockfight and he asks for money that he can use to bet. Minimum is $100 maximum is $300. That’s if we have extra money. The problem is the times he lose is more than the times he wins. And he wouldn’t be satisfied then, he would ask me if he can go poker or play cards to gain back what he lost. It’s just a cycle and I’m being fed up. It’s not easy to manage finances with two kids. We couldn’t save money because he uses all our extra money for gambling. Every time we get paid and all the bills and expenses are paid, I cannot even save the extra money because he asks for it. Sometimes he bets for football and basketball with his friends then comes home telling me we need to pay hid friend $200 because he lost on a bet. As long as he knows we have extra money, he keeps thinking he can bet, gamble and so.
I tried being mad and I tried not giving him money. but he said I met him like that and that I accepted his addiction. He also said I should be thankful because he only goes once a week now compared to before. Every time I get mad, he gets mad too and tells me if I keep getting angry he should might as well just go back to gambling 4 times a week. if I don’t give him money when he asks for it, he gets really furious.
What should I do?December 27, 2016 at 3:00 am #666098
I’d leave him. Not just because of the gambling but also because he finds cockfighting,which is animal cruelty,entertaining. That’s fucking sick.December 27, 2016 at 3:40 am #666100
You’re acting like his mother & he’s acting like a spoilt child who will have a trantrum if he doesn’t get his way. He’ll resent you & you’ll have no respect for him. This is a major problem in a relationship- this will spill into every aspect of your marriage- sex etc. You have two children as well, I guess three now when you count him. He’s also an addict. It won’t go away, yes it’s at a lower level then before, but it will always be there and can get worse again. You can’t talk an addict out of being one, they need to actually want to stop it. He doesn’t want that. Why should he? You enable his addiction to a certain point, by giving him money? And if you didn’t, he’d find other ways to gamble- secret credit cards etc (I’d check on this now- as even though it seems you’re in charge of the cash…) You really can’t control this forever…
You need to decide if this is how you want to live your life? You’re kids need stability and someone to provide that. That isn’t their father. You obviously love him, but you can never change someone else. So… You can love someone and realise they’re not a good partner. Personally, I’d divorce him & then never involve yourself in his finances ever again. Yes, he’ll gamble, that never stopped any way- but then you’ll have your own money coming in and it’ll be uneffected by him. Plus, you’ll be happier.
Plus, what Leah said. Cockfight is as cruel AF. So there is a personality aspect to your husband that isn’t pretty, something to be aware of in a marriage and when raising kids. Also as the kids get older be aware that he’ll probably try and teach them to gamble. Partly as a bonding thing, but also because that’s his supposed ‘talent’.December 27, 2016 at 4:12 am #666104
Yes, he’s addicted. No, he’s not going to change. Your choices are: a) leave him, and b) spend the rest of your life in near-poverty, never getting ahead, never having enough money for anything. And forcing your children to live in near-poverty.
Oh, and by the way: cockfighting is illegal in all 50 states. In some jurisdictions, it’s illegal to be a spectator at a cockfight, so be sure to set aside some bail money if that’s the case in your area. Or, better still, don’t. Anyone who gets off on watching animals slash each other to a bloody, agonizing death with razor blades or metal spikes attached to their legs isn’t fit to be walking around with the rest of us. I’d be happy to see your husband’s sorry ass in jail for contributing to something so sick and evil.
Do some reading about cockfighting and then ask yourself if you want to be raising children with this man.
December 27, 2016 at 5:49 am #666113
- This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by Essie.
While I agree that betting on animals killing each other is appalling, this LW isn’t in the US, and it’s legal where she is.
LW, people here are right, gambling is an addiction, and unless someone voluntarily joins Gamblers Anonymous and kicks it through a lot of hard work (do you see your boyfriend doing that?), then this is what you get. And it may get worse, with him betting money you two don’t have, and bringing very dangerous people to your door. Perhaps putting your kids in danger.
I’m also fairly certain that this is not the first time you’ve written in about this guy.
So, in summary, unfortunately you can’t fix this, and I think maybe you have other reasons to leave. He’s right, you did accept him like this, allowed yourself to become pregnant twice, and apparently financially dependent on him. This is what happens when you ignore red flags early on. Can your family help you get out of this?December 27, 2016 at 6:04 am #666116
Also, just as an example/cautionary tale, I know a guy who had a lot of money from selling a family home. He lost over $50,000 *in one weekend* at a casino. In fact, he lost all his money, his girlfriend bought him out of the house they bought together, and he used that to pay off some debt and went back home with nothing. Because gambling is a serious illness. I do know another guy who went to Gamblers Anon years ago and seems to be ok now, but he did it on his own because he really wanted to. He wasn’t in a relationship.December 27, 2016 at 8:47 am #666134
Obviously there are cultural differences with regard to cock fighting so I’m going to leave that alone though it would be an absolute deal breaker for me. LW, this is life with an addict, worsening behavior is what you have to look forward to. Leave now before you get pregnant again.December 27, 2016 at 8:50 am #666135
Seriously, aren’t you disgusted that your husband is prioritizing his addiction over the welfare of your children? You should be. He is literally robbing their financial security one bet at a time. Would you do that? Why would you allow anyone else to?? Time to ovary up and protect your kids.December 27, 2016 at 9:06 am #666137
Wow…he enjoys cockfighting and you “immediately accepted him for that”. As far as I’m concerned you are both terrible people, cockfighting is viciously cruel and absolutely horrific and disgusting. Good luck with your gambling addict husband who enjoys watching animals being tortured to death for sport.December 27, 2016 at 9:16 am #666138
I mean, I agree, but I’m looking at it from my cultural viewpoint, and in some cultures you grow up with it so it probably seems normal. Greyhound dog racing was legal in MA until recently! We actually just voted in a law last month that would allow chickens and other animals like veal calves to live their lives with room to, like, be able to stand properly and turn around.
It doesn’t seem like the LW has a problem with the animal cruelty, and it’s not illegal, but the gambling – whether it’s on animals, sports games, cards, dice, whatever, plus the yelling and screaming and threats, isn’t going to get better. I don’t think it’s fixable.
December 27, 2016 at 9:45 am #666140
- This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by Kate.
First, why does this letter have the title it does. The gambler is not her boyfriend, he is her husband and the father of her two children.u
LW — I fail to see how your managing the family finances is helping. You are facilitating his gambling. You may have food on the table today, but you have no savings. First crisis and you are out of luck. You have the constant drain of $ because your husband consistently loses and loses big, apparently being too stupid to realize he is gambling in rigged contests.
Somehow gambling is tied up in his sense of manhood. He thinks he is in control when he gambles and he feels like big man flashing a wad of cash, which he promptly loses. If he can’t fix this, you can’t fix your family. Your controlling the finances only increases his need to gamble, because it makes him feel he has less power and control. You would actually be better off if you took the money for essential family expenses and let him manage the finances. That cuts out the arguments and whining, since you give him all the other money anyway.
This is only going to get worse. You need to get a job and MOA.
Why did you ever agree to be with a man whom you knew was a gambling addict? Did you really not understand how that works?December 27, 2016 at 10:22 am #666145
You reap what you sow. The husband admitted up front that he was a gambling addict who enjoyed betting on horrific, appalling animal torture. In her own words she “totally accepted him for that”. Now, she seems gobsmacked that the man she married is, in fact, a gambling addict who has drained all of their money on…surprise! betting on horrific animal torture. I have absolutely no sympathy for people who put themselves in these situations. LW, grow a soul, volunteer and do everything you can to try to HELP the needy animals in your area, and leave your addict husband. Or don’t, whatever. You made your bed.