Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How to give up?

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Heather 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #728546 Reply
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    maltym
    Member

    Please, do not question me. Just respond with advice.
    I just want to leave behind my desired for a girlfriend, partner, lover, or whatever. I’m just tired of being rejected, and no matter what i do or don’t i just don’t get any attention, i’m seen as nothing but a friend.
    How do i give up my desire for a girlfriend?
    I’m 21 and will become 22 in 2 months. I just don’t want to waste more time and energy on this. Thanks.

    #728548 Reply
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    Ron

    You either desire a SO or you don’t. You can’t just change that. What you can change is how much you think about this — the busier you are pursuing activities you love, the less interest and time to dwell on the search for a SO. Having given up, or at least no longer being laser focused upon, finding a relationship, you might just stumble into a relationship while doing things you love to do.

    #728550 Reply
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    Northern Star

    All right, I won’t question you, then.

    You find an all-consuming hobby. You travel. You do volunteer work. You pick up quilting. You train for a marathon. You write a sci-fi novel. You fill your time so you’re too busy and tired to worry about a girlfriend.

    #728551 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Ron’s right that the more you focus on living a full life on your own, the more likely you are to spend less time focusing on the status of your romantic life.

    That said, from the little you wrote, it sounds to me like you have some self-esteem issues and would recommend you seek out a therapist to work on that.

    #728554 Reply
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    Vathena

    Maybe try being a whole person with something to offer? Cultivate your own interests and stop seeing friendship as something less meaningful. Having friends is not a bad thing. At 21, your story is far from written. You likely have 60+ years of human interaction ahead of you. Or, you know, just go meditate in a mountaintop yurt and subsist on lichen for the rest of your life. You’re already 21 so you might as well resign yourself to a lifetime of loneliness. No one meets their significant other after turning 22.

    #728564 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Oh my god, the drama. I’m not going to feed into your pity party. Go do stuff. Meet people. Don’t view people solely through a romantic lens. Don’t size up every person you meet as either a potential partner, competition for a partner or not available as a partner. Get to know people and get to know yourself and what you like about the people you know and the people you meet.

    Be interesting. Be inquisitive.

    View partnering with someone as a component of who you are not your end game.

    #728568 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Clearly, you’ve been hurt recently, and I’m sorry that that’s happened to you.

    If you don’t want to actively date (i.e., spend time looking for a girlfriend on online dating sites, etc.) then don’t. Lots of people don’t actively pursue relationships. Fill your time with other things. Hobbies, sports, doing stuff with friends.

    That’s not going to prevent you from falling in love with a woman you meet at school, at work, or, well, anywhere. If you’re asking how to NOT develop feelings for women that you meet while you’re living your life…sorry, can’t help you there. It’s going to happen, whether you want it to or not. There’s no stopping it.

    There’s no magic formula for preventing feelings you don’t want to have, whether they’re feelings of love or the pain of a breakup. You just learn to enjoy the good feelings and grit your teeth and get through the bad ones. Time helps. Staying busy helps.

    #728582 Reply
    Crochet.Ninja
    Crochet.Ninja
    Participant

    if you have decided you never want a girlfriend – then you just don’t have one. How to take away the desire for one/companionship? Castration may work, but I cannot help you on the mental side of it. There’s no magic potion for this.

    #728594 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Make your life something that you enjoy without someone else in it. You can’t force yourself to stop feeling feelings, but if you have a good life (friends, hobbies, career, whatever), you won’t be as desperate because you will know you can be happy with or without someone.

    #728618 Reply
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    TheHizzy

    At your age I kept myself too busy with other stuff to even fit in dating. The desire to date never left, I just didn’t’ want to give up the stuff I enjoyed doing to date.
    Things I did:
    -Marathon running (Several)
    -Ran organisations (Several)
    -Volunteered for groups
    -Rollerblading
    -Demanding job (on call 24/7)
    -A move half way across the country
    -Volleyball
    -Softball
    -Crossfit
    -Meetup groups
    -Motorcycles
    -Travel to weddings of friends
    -Travel for fun

    I was on the go all the time. Ain’t got time to fit in dating.

    #728659 Reply
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    va-in-ny
    Participant

    Seriously, if you want to distance yourself from everyone and everything, train for a marathon. I nearly lost all my friends one summer training for NYC.

    #728718 Reply
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    Heather

    If you ever decide to actively persue relationships or even to find out what to avoid, this useful from someone who was a only 2 years younger but in your situation.
    https://captainawkward.com/2014/08/26/617-all-the-dating-advice-again/

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