This topic contains 31 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by jmarie 12 hours, 25 minutes ago.
- January 11, 2017 at 1:09 pm #668480
My husband is 28 and he has enjoyed drinking since he was a teenager. He was born and raised in rural Arkansas. We have been married for 6 months and have no children. He is in the military. He is a “happy” and very emotional drunk, but to me it seems like he drinks to forget things. He drinks because he is bored or because he wants the “I don’t care” type of feeling one gets while drunk. I don’t think that is healthy, and I have told him that. I think he is too dependent on alcohol. I have told him for years that I don’t like it when he drinks, but he does it anyway and I think it is because he is an alcoholic. He can’t help himself. Now we are trying to get him to stop drinking. We believe the best way to get him to stop drinking is to keep him busy, give him some sort of hobbies. I start work part time next week and am in graduate school, so starting next week, he will be by himself at home in the evenings. Has anyone been through something like this with a family member or spouse? I fear he will drink even more since I won’t be around as much once I start working. How do I get him to stop? How can I occupy his time in a healthy way so that he doesn’t have time to drink? I fear our efforts to get him to stop drinking will not work, and I don’t think I can handle his drinking for the rest of my life. I would love to hear about others personal experiences. I want to have a happy marriage, but if this alcoholism doesn’t stop, then I know one day I will reach my breaking point.January 11, 2017 at 1:14 pm #668481
You could try to convince him to join AA, but I don’t see high odds of getting him to stop drinking. You describe a guy who strongly dislikes sober life.
This is a case of you chose to marry “a great guy, except…” with a very big except. That except will only grow with time and will disturb you more and more.
MOA before you are leashed to him with kids.January 11, 2017 at 1:20 pm #668482
You can’t get him to stop. The only person that can stop him from drinking is himself. You’ve told him for years that you don’t like it yet he continues to drink – why would it change now? If you don’t want to be married to an alcoholic why did you marry one? He’s shown you for years who he is, you can force him to change. Have you ever watched an episode of Intervention? Al-Aon meetings and individual therapy asap to help figure out your next steps.January 11, 2017 at 1:21 pm #668483
You can’t * force him to changeJanuary 11, 2017 at 1:24 pm #668484
Hobbies won’t make him stop drinking. Busy time won’t make him stop drinking. Deciding he wants to stop drinking will make him stop… and then he has to work at it. There is AA. There are non-religious programs and there is Rehab. Very few people can do it completely on their own and those people fist recognize their problem and take responsibility for it. Maybe you should go to Al-anon – that is the site for the family members and they have meetings too.
I know the impulse to try and fix. I’m type A. I believe that almost every problem has a solution. But you can’t fix this for him. The solution isn’t yours to give. You can’t make him stop. If he can’t make him stop – neither can you. It has to originate with him and he the one that has to do the work. If he doesn’t see it as a big issue and you know you can’t live your life this way then, as sad as it is to say, cut your losses before you guys have kids in the mix.January 11, 2017 at 1:27 pm #668485
You can control your own actions, but you can’t control what someone else does. You won’t change your husband by treating him like a small child and “keeping him busy with hobbies and activities.” That will not work.
You shouldn’t have married him with this issue unresolved. I suggest counseling for yourself to understand alcoholism (Al Anon would work). That may help you decide what to do next.
Your husband may well be an alcoholic, but he might also be stubborn about completely giving up an activity he enjoys just because you asked him to.
Who is “we” in this post, by the way?January 11, 2017 at 1:43 pm #668486
Sorry, but you don’t. No one can control/change anyone else. Especially, if they’re an adult. He has to actually want to change. He doesn’t. He doesn’t see it as a problem, so not evergoing to happen. (It may be a problem and cause more problems,but you’ve given no examples to show it is.) Even if you think it is a problem and/ or you think he’s an alcoholic and/ or that he should because…endless reasons. Never even going to happen. So, you either A) have to accept him as he actually is- after all you found him that way and married him or B) you don’t and leave him.
I wish I could give you a different reply, but that wouldn’t be the truth.January 11, 2017 at 1:43 pm #668487
Who is we?? You married a drinker. If it’s a deal breaker move on now before you have kids with one.January 11, 2017 at 1:54 pm #668489
Tell his CO. He is military – eventually it will effect his performance and he will be discharged – most likely with a “less than honorable”. Which means no benefits and a hindrance to obtaining certain jobs. There are programs that the his CO may be able to point him to – the military may have more influence over him than you do in forcing him to face his alcoholism. You have no influence because you married him knowing that he drinks – therefore you “told” him that this is okay with you.
And yeah, “keeping him busy” is not going to work. And don’t have kids – that makes it even harder to disentangle yourself. Plus, would you leave your child home alone with a man who cannot control his drinking?
This should have been a deal breaker for you before your married. SMH
Good luckJanuary 11, 2017 at 2:17 pm #668491
I get the feeling that before you married you had no idea how much he drank or that he drank for any reason under the sun. Please consider going to al-anon as others have suggested. You can not make a person change. Having a kid is not going to make him change. Don’t bring kids into this – it will only make things more difficult.January 11, 2017 at 2:17 pm #668492
Telling his CO seems like a nuclear option but I will let others who are better versed in military matters weigh in….January 11, 2017 at 2:19 pm #668493
Yes, I have been through exactly this. My first husband was in the military and yup. Same thing. What everyone said: the way for him to stop drinking is to WANT to and if he doesn’t have the willpower to cut back because he’s addicted, then go to AA. You can’t get him to drink less. It doesn’t work that way.
Jesus no, don’t tell his CO!