- March 14, 2017 at 12:25 am #677759
I knew for a while almost a year something was up with my husband.
I met him a six years ago
and when we were engaged 5 years ago I saw that he was Facebooking his ex girlfriend asking her how she was doing and etc. I confronted him about it he said he deleted her from Facebook and stopped messaging her.
A few months later I just happened to have a gut feeling and looked at his phone and he was still messaging her this time not on Facebook but via his phone.
A few weeks after that I found out he was facebooking a friend that he used to like he told me to meet her at a bar.
He begged me for forgiveness he wanted to get married he apologized and stated that he was thinking of his ex girlfriend because her mother died and for his family friend he wanted to innocently catch up with her.
I did so many things for this guy, helped him get his first apartment, his first teaching job, learn to drive, first car, and etc.
I fell for the excuses forgave him got married and now have a 2 year old son.
This summer he told asked me what would I do if he cheated? That I couldn’t blame him. Something along those lines, I was shocked.
Then 2 months ago we bought a luxury car I wanted to drive it he stated that it is his car it is in his name why do I want to drive it. (CRAZY, I am his wife and mother of his son).
Fast forward to Feb/March 2017, this man posted seriously innappropiate photos of one his classmates, he is pursuing his masters, at her birthday party. I was disturbed by the photos and asked him to take it down he did not immediately; but several hours later after I asked multiple times he did. I was alarmed
A few days after that I got access to his phone and saw all the pictures on his phone and a video of the same girl and it was focused on her chest. My heart dropped I realized that he really did have a sexual attraction to this person and probably had sex with her.
The NEXT day I went into his phone again and saw text messages to another woman this time his coworker. about 30-40 text messages a day, asking her what she wanted for breakfast, her favorite foods, that he had a dream about her, quoting scriptures, saying that he would pray for her.(Stuff he doesn’t do for me). What really got me is that he told her that he had a dream about her that God stated her name 3 times.
I was and still am very upset I feel betrayed, we are in counseling he admitted that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married since the summer time and that is when his coworker was first hired.
I don’t trust him. I did alot for him, when I met him he was working part-time renting a room and I did everything for him becuase I loved him and now within 5 years he is a teacher, in masters program, went from renting a room to an apartment, and owning a house, knows how to drive and etc.
I am not the type to clean up a man and etc, but I fell in love with him and my gift is organization and etc. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with someone who was committed and loyal to me. When we were engaged he showed me that he wasn’t but I fell for the apology. Now we are married and I clearly see that he most likely had sex and that he is a PHONY.
I am so conflicted I am a Christian and wanted to be married for life. Has anyone here forgiven their husband and/or significant other and they have changed and you lead a good life.
The lying and the phoniness scares me to death it is so scary and I feel like he has had sex with another person and I am so scared what my life has become.March 14, 2017 at 8:44 am #677799
Well, the entire time y’all have been together he has been lying and cheating on you. I’m not sure how much forgiveness you are going to have to possess to get past that. Even if he straightened up right this very minute, you probably won’t ever trust him. I think the question you have to ask yourself is…what kind of relationship do you want?
Do you want to be with someone whom you can trust, and be in a safe and happy relationship? Or do you want to keep trying to ‘force’ him to not cheat and lie to you? I think if you want the first option, then you probably have to divorce him and move on. You CAN be married for life, just not with this guy.
Also, in the future if you have to do all of that for a guy–do not get involved with him. Your whole relationship looks like you are his mother making him do the stuff he needs to do, and that’s not a man. That’s a grown ass child in a man’s body. You deserve better!March 14, 2017 at 9:46 am #677822
Many people have forgiven their SOs after cheating and have led a new life. HOWEVER those people WANTED to change, were committed and regretted what they had done. Your husband doesn’t sound like that kind of person. He has given you excuses forever, has cheated on you multiple times and has never really made an effort to change. Sounds like he Will never change. You need to decide if you want to stay with his cheating ass knowing that he is a serial cheater for the sake of religion, or dump him once and for all for your own sanity.March 14, 2017 at 10:38 am #677834
MOA. You are so scared about what your life has become…this is no way to live or have your child live. Likely he’s been cheating in some form or fashion for your entire relationship. You can’t trust him. You don’t have anything good to say about him. You won’t be happy if you stay in this relationship.March 14, 2017 at 11:01 am #677837
What a genius you were to make a baby with this fuckwad…March 14, 2017 at 11:03 am #677838
Your husband is a cheating creep. Videos of women’s chests? That doesn’t sound consensual, but sure, maybe it is.
You deserve better and you know it. You aren’t a bad person for wanting a good relationship and marriage.
Hire an attorney now, before he does. You need to leave and set a good example for your child. (Not staying in a crap marriage because you think your religion wants you to.)March 14, 2017 at 12:15 pm #677844
A lot of twisted Christianity in this couple.
He tries to get in some woman’s pants by telling her that he dreamt that God said her name 3 times? Sorry, but most women I know would instantly mark this guy as an insane creep and run for the hills, but LW and apparently the woman he texted see this as normal?
LW says she is “a Christian and wanted to be married for life.” Sorry honey, I hate to break this to you but being a Christian doesn’t make you a special snowflake — just about everyone who marries, male or female, does so wanting to be married for life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way and in your case you need to admit that it most definitely hasn’t worked out.
“I am not the type to clean up a man and etc”.
Really!! Re-read your letter. Your whole relationship is a textbook case of your picking a guy you obviously saw as immature and not measuring up and consciously went about sculpting the man of your dreams from that imperfect clay. Is it at all surprising that, despite all that effort, your guy remains immature and selfish and unwilling to accept responsibility for anything? That’s exactly who he was when you took him as your bf and started your drastic remodel of him, but, not unexpectedly, you only achieved a surface change.
MOA, MOA, MOA!March 14, 2017 at 1:52 pm #677862
Unless you define Christian as “willing to suffer for no good reason”, I can’t understand how divorcing this man and moving on is any less Christian than staying with a lying, cheating creep. Even if the photos were taken consensually (though, I suspect not) it is so creepy to post them online. Is that really the kind of influence you want on your child/in your life forever?March 18, 2017 at 6:00 am #678487
Thank you guys so much for your response. It is so hard for me I feel like I will be condemned for moving on and divorcing him. I should have never tried to change him. Yes he is crazy immature and yes I wish I would have been more logical and never married him. Now I have a child so I want to make the best decision. He seems apologetic but he is so immature and weird that I don’t think I can trust him. Positives is that he has a “sweet” personality and cooks for me and cares about my son.March 18, 2017 at 5:39 pm #678545
I mean, a nanny can do that. Really, that’s kinda below bare minimum for what you should expect from a partner.March 20, 2017 at 1:03 pm #678713
Positives don’t outweigh lying and cheating for years.
You are a parent. What you do, what relationship and bahbior you model to your child will affect the way they interact with the world and have relationships. If you stay with a cheating a$$hole because he’s sweet and caring when he is at home, but cheats and lies when he’s not, your child will grow up thinking this is appropriate behavior.
Aim higher, if not for yourself, for your child.