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Husband listens to inlaws

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This topic contains 32 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar SpaceySteph 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #725873 Reply
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    Marilyn

    I dated my husband for 3 years before we married now we have been married for 7 months. He is a sensitive caring family man and I love him so much. I realised how caring he was when we were dating he would always answer calls from his family and drop everything to help them even leave our date. At the time I found it very sweet that he loved his family so much. His mum called him a few times during our dates asking random questions about our date which started to annoy me. I told him to tell her not to call so much but he said he can’t tell his mother what to do. He bought a house as a surprise for our wedding and I was so happy. But the house is a 15 minute drive away from my Inlaws. This was the first time we lived together. They are over every second night and mostly just show up without calling. I cannot enjoy alone time with my husband. If they are not at ours they insist we come over for dinner. I told my husband I only want to go once a week then we had a confrontation and he accuses me of not liking them. I just want us to spend time as newlyweds. Recently I found out through his mother things that she and other of her friends know about our marriage that only my husband and I know. I confronted her about it she said that my husband tells her everything that happenes in the house from the blocked dishwasher to our fish dying and HOW OFTEN WE HAVE SEX. I was fuming. I confronted my husband and he says if he can’t tell his mum who else is he going To tell. I said you should be telling your wife. When I found this out we had a huge argument and went to stay with my parents for a while. But when I came back nothing changed it just got worse. It’s put a strain on our marriage I feel like I can’t share anything with him anymore not even minor issues we haven’t had sex since the argument and I’m considering a separation. He still doesn’t know I got a promotion at work or that I’ve switched gyms. I just don’t want the mother in law knowing every single detail. I feel like I’m not his first priority. His mother calls him at least five times when we’re getting ready for bed it ruins the mood. My father in law is peaceful I think he just goes along with what she says. I also do have an issue with his younger brother. We got along fine before the wedding but after that he changed maybe due to his recent health condition. But he is both disrespectful to his parents brother and myslef. He is a pig . But my husband always manages to defend someone else before me. I’m about this close from leaving and not coming back. Ladies HELP!!

    #725885 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    Wow. That is seriously fucked up.
    This is the kind of thing that you discuss before marriage. You need to set some boundaries, but since your husband is very deffensive when it comes to his parents (telling you that you don’t like them), I think you both need to see a counselor ASAP, especially if you’re already thinking about separating.

    #725893 Reply
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    Ron

    This marriage is never going to work and you are never going to have less emotion/$ invested in the relationship than you do now. Just MOA and get a divorce. I wouldn’t bother with counseling — your husband is hopeless and mama’s apron strings won’t ever loosen. You ignored SO MANY red f lags. No, dropping out of dates to go back to family, multiple calls from his mom when you’re together are not cute and NOT a sign of what a sweet guy he is. Surprising you with a house was not a nice gesture. It was a way of trapping you close to his mom. He is sick. Leave him now. This will only get worse. His mother is acting like this with a husband and another son at home and no grandkids at your place. This will get MUCH worse if you try to go long term with this marriage.

    #725895 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Move On Already. Sorry but lost cause. Divorce /annul & learn from this.

    #725896 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    The surprise house wasn’t him being nice or sweet or thoughtful. It was him and his mom taking control of where you were going to live as a married couple so that mom was just a few minutes away. It was a coldly calculated thing. You ignored lots of red flags. He wasn’t being sweet when he left dates to go to his parents. He was showing you exactly who he was and who was a priority in his life. It obviously wasn’t you and it won’t be you. You could try counseling but probably should just move on and get a divorce. If you do counseling I would require change that lasts. I assume he would maybe make a half-hearted effort to appear to change and then counseling would end and he would drop back into the same old pattern. If you live somewhere where the wait for a counseling session is at least six months I wouldn’t bother trying it.

    #725898 Reply
    FireStar
    Firestar

    Try counseling. It’s the only hope here to impress on him the need to change and cut those strings. Otherwise it’s over. I’m sorry.

    #725899 Reply
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    Ron

    Counseling isn’t a magic bullet. If you want to totally lose every last crumb of privacy you have left, just go to a counselor and spill your guts — unhappiness, expectations, broken promises, what you want out of life, what pleases and annoys you, what you think of your husband, his family your family. For every hour you spend in counseling, he’ll spend 3 blabbing to and crying on his mommy’s shoulder.

    The only way this marriage could have any chance at all of working, and it is a very slim chance, is if you and husband move 1000 miles from his parents and start over. Little mommy-dependent boys don’t turn into men by going to a counselor with their wife. Perhaps he cautions his mommy not to reveal so much of what he tells her, but the deluge of information won’t stop. This is who he is; it’s who his mommy is.

    You’ve only been married 7 months and the sex has stopped and you’ve felt compelled to move back to your parents for refuge. THE END.

    Would you have sex with and marry a 13-year old? I certainly hope not. Well, that is the level of maturity and independent adulthood you are married to.

    #725901 Reply
    FireStar
    Firestar

    Therapy isn’t a magic bullet but vows should mean something. I think you should at least try before you walk away from a marriage. The husband doesn’t know what the stakes are yet. See if he is capable of change… And willing to sell the house and move.

    #725902 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I think counseling is most effective when two people who had a healthy relationship encounter obstacles that cause them to engage in less healthy relationship behaviors. Sort of like a “help us get back to where we were” kind of thing. When your relationship has been affected by this stuff from the beginning, it’s not going to be as effective because then it potentially comes down to changing who the person is. Counseling doesn’t do that. That’s not to say you can’t try it, but if you do, I’d caution you not to sink too much time into it without seeing results.

    When you like someone, it’s easy to see odd traits in the most positive light. You saw him dropping everything for his family as a sign he cares. But in reality, it’s a sign he cares about his family, but canceling an ongoing date for anything other than an emergency is not a good sign at all. It’s only when you’re with someone for a long time, that those traits that are easy to put up with for love become more grating, or when your lives are more enmeshed that it becomes a bigger impact.

    #725903 Reply
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    Kitnkabutle

    Unfortunately, your husband was already hitched – to his Mom! It is critical for a married couple to have privacy and space from their nuclear families. Agreeing to see your in-laws once a week (52 times a year at least) seems to indicate you like them alright! I’m sorry you and your husband don’t see eye to eye on limits, boundaries and priorities with the in-laws. If your husband wouldn’t make changes after you *moved out*, I don’t see what other option you have except to MOA.

    #725905 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I think a separation is the least you should do. You really were naive to think your husband was a sweet family man, he’s a straight-up mamma’s boy. Your husband doesn’t prioritize you, his mother runs the show. I really don’t see this working out. Move out now and give him six months to show you (not tell you! Actions are all that matter) how things can be different. If he hasn’t put that house on the market and firm boundaries in place with his family file for divorce.

    #725906 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Therapy will not not work if he thinks there is a problem.

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