This topic contains 24 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Katrina 4 months, 1 week ago.
October 17, 2017 at 10:23 am #723674
You want your parents to accept your husband completely. They won’t.
You want your husband to be “better”. He won’t be anytime soon, if ever.
You want kids. You should NOT have kids with someone treats you like crap, because that’s how he’ll treat them.
You should probably get a divorce, move out of your parents’ house, and start over. But I doubt you will. And you will have a very rough life.October 17, 2017 at 11:47 am #723678
So if I read this correctly your parents have seen and heard your husband in the throws of an episode where he is mean to you, they know how long you have been together and they are now supporting you and him off and on because you all cant do that for yourself. Mental illness or not I cant imagine parents not being upset and acting out, they are not perfect but they are doing what they think is in your best interest because from what you have written you sound like you are more set on being married to your husband to not fail at having the life you grew up wanting. I think your parents were harsher than they should have been but not wrong, you really need to step back and look at this your husband needs medical help and may never be in a position to work a job or lead a normal life that you have planned. That doesn’t mean you have to leave him (though you already have or you would be living at his cousins or working 2 jobs to get a room, no excuses) but you do have to come to a decision if you are staying you need a new definition of a normal life most likely without children and living completely on your income. But your husband needs medical help to deal with what is happening to him this is not I’m run down depression.October 17, 2017 at 1:18 pm #723683
You found his current therapist. You got him on meds. You found his last therapists. You supported the two of you financially when he quit his job because of panic attacks. You have to repeatedly wash your hands and keep clothes a special way and walk on eggs so as not to set him off, but he still calls you nasty names weekly and is angry/mean toward you. You need to understand that he is not a person with mild or moderate depression alone. You are describing serious mental woes. You also need to understand that you and your love aren’t enough to fix him. It also sounds, since he has held jobs in the past and it sounds like he did navigate the world more or less successfully at the start of your relationship, that from your description he seems to have gotten significantly worse, not better.
It really seems that it is save yourself and MOA time. Certainly, do not even consider having children with him. He won’t tolerate the stress of a young child in his living space and he won’t be a good father, no matter how much he might want to. Also, his mental woes are likely hereditary. Don’t pass them along to the next generation.
Which brings me to… his immediate family, parents and maybe sibs. You say nothing about them. Do his parents help at all?
You seem one of a long line of mistaken young women who believe their love can solve addiction, repeated infidelity, or serious mental illness. That is a romantic myth. You say that you know that all his nastiness and withdrawal toward you is just the illness, but in time that becomes the sum and substance of the person’s personality.
He has to strongly want to address and manage his mental woes. That you have to repeatedly find him therapists and get him on drugs is not a good sign at all.October 17, 2017 at 1:25 pm #723684
CY, your posts are very curious to me. You cite a long, long litany of a rough road with your husband where you are pretty much carrying the entire weight: for several years, YOU are the one supporting you two because he’s lost his job due to his anxiety and compulsions. YOU are the one pushing for him to get counseling and medication. YOU are the one washing your hands raw and performing laundry miracles because he’s OCD about germs. YOU are the one living in a mess because of his illness; YOU are the one to put up with being snapped at and who needs to walk on eggshells because he’s sick and oh so fragile. Excuse me, but where does HE come into this? A good rule of thumb is that you don’t do more work towards somebody else’s well-being than they do. If they are your project, and not your partner, then whatever is ailing them, whether it’s a mental illness or a cancer or diabetes, then you aren’t a wife, you’re co-dependent.
So, you say you want a healthy, supportive husband, but you think yours can get better and be thaty. Okay – and how long do you allow before you conclude that it ain’t happening? How much education have you gotten yourself on the outlook and prospects for any kind of satisfaction and stability? What makes you feel that you don’t need anything for yourself other than to tend this man?October 17, 2017 at 1:46 pm #723685
I agree with LJ. You are not a martyr. You don’t need to sacrifice your life for an abusive man with “mental issues.” Is he even diagnosed? Receiving medication and treatment?
Your parents sound worried, just as I would be in their place.October 17, 2017 at 1:56 pm #723686
I actually gasped when you gave the whole litany of misery that you live with in your husband’s behavior, and then ask only about dealing with your parents. Yeah, your parents have made some errors in their concern for you. But you are totally missing your own needs and your own role in this. And you are missing something that is causing you to be dangerously co-dependant. What is it that causes you to latch on to this guy and to dismiss the emotional abuse that you are suffering, just because he didn’t knock your teeth out? Is it guilt over feeling like you should perform miracles for him? Is it that your family was emotionally abusive, and this feels like familiar ground to walk on eggshells and get only shit treatment in return? Do you not feel that you can get another guy, and so you’ve gotta hang onto this one like a limpet? Are you getting back at your parents, by attaching yourself to someone who needs to be pushed like a locomotive every inch of the way?
You play a role in this. What is saddest to me is that you don’t care for yourself. His illness is a reason, but it’s not an excuse, and you need to figure out why you treat YOURSELF so badly. Whether it’s guilt, or something else, you need some help for YOU to figure out why you’re doing this, and when enough will be enough, and when and how you think it’s okay to be chasing after him trying to get him to care about himself the way you do. Forget your parents. This is not about them, other than that they have chosen a bad way to express their alarm about the abusive destructive relationship you choose and excuse .October 17, 2017 at 2:12 pm #723688
There’s a reason I write as I do, CY. When I was in my teens, an older sister of mine was involved in a live-in relationship with someone who was OCD germaphobe and seriously anxious. Even though she suffered terribly, she didn’t want to leave him, because she felt it’d be disloyal to leave somebody when they were “down.” The rest of my family pressured her to drop the guy, much as yours did. That only increased the conflict that my sister felt, in an excess of loyalty to the guy, even though she was miserable and working a shit job to support him while they lived in chaos, he couldn’t work, and she was getting sick because her jacket was always being cleaned in the winter and was always unavailable. I will tell you the same thing I told her: he’s not going to choose to get well until you stop holding up the weight of the world on your shoulders. It doesn’t make you disloyal or a bad person to let him hit rock bottom and decide whether or not to help himself. And if you keep on the way you’re going, you won’t be able to help anyone, because you are running yourself down to a nub. You can’t make yourself responsible for the life of any other adult; they need to take the lead for themselves, and as long as you’re in the way they can’t help themselves, and will only drag you both down.
I wish you had an obnoxious little sister like me who knew you well enough to figure out what YOUR reason is. But I hope you find your reason, and step aside to protect yourself and let him take on his own project.October 17, 2017 at 2:58 pm #723690
So I am the mentally ill one in my relationship. I have OCD and anxiety and periods of depression. I am in therapy and on medication and practice meditation and yoga daily as part of my management plan. Mental illness is like any other chronic illness. Think type 1 diabetes or RA. For the rest of my life there will be times where I need to lean on my husband more. I will never get “better”.
But there are 2 things that stand out to me in this letter. 1st, he has to be in charge of managing his illness. He has to take meds, go to therapy or engage in some of the many alternative treatments. If he isn’t willing to do that for you and your family I don’t think it will work. 2nd, illness is no excuse to be abusive. Look my illness has made me a right pain in the butt to my husband sometimes, like when he finds me organizing pebbles or hiding in a closet, but I have never been abusive toward him. Cranky, sure but not abusive. That is something you should not tolerate.
And yes, you have to move out of your parents house and create some space if you want them to butt out. Living with them means they get to have an opinion and will have ample opportunity to express it. It isn’t necessarily the right thing to do but you are an adult and can leave. I think if you were willing to help out you could make it work with the cousin. I would not expect him to move back in because if he starts to work on himself living in that environment will likely undo some of his work.October 17, 2017 at 4:13 pm #723691
OP please listen to us. I wasted four years of my twenties trying to save a man I loved but who was broken. He didn’t get better but I was left in shambles. It took me a solid five years to undo the damage I did to myself by clinging to that relationship. I hope you want better for yourself than I did at that point in my life.October 17, 2017 at 8:39 pm #723702
How sad for you that the people you love the most are feuding. Your parents are worried about you but how they expressed it and spoke to and about your husband benefitted no one. Launching an attack on him just makes you defensive and their concern falls on deaf ears. I get it. You don’t have a mental illness so you give your husband every benefit of every doubt. You make allowances when you otherwise wouldn’t. You don’t know really where the illness ends and your husband begins.
It’s too much. The burden you carry is too much – particularly if you have to suffer emotional abuse as well. And make no mistake – the meanness directed at you is exactly that. He doesn’t have terrets does he? He has control if the words coming out of his mouth? He chooses to be mean to the person who has done for him all that you have. Why can’t he be accountable? Accountable for what he says to you. Accountable for washing his own clothes. Accountable for managing his own illness. Accountable for contributing to your family and your finances. He doesn’t have to be perfect but he’s needs to be functional. That’s nice your family has the dream if you as a stay at home mom. Who gives a fuck. Your marriage isn’t theirs to manage. This is a hard road you have set yourself on. You can absolutely get off it with no shame. You sound determined to walk it some more though. So if you do, demand what is owed to you. Mental illness is not a get out of basic human decency free card. Quite frankly, if you need more from your spouse in one area of life then be prepared to give a little more somewhere else. I’d find that marriage counselor quick fast to let your husband know what your expectations are going forward. Move as quickly as possible and tell your parents you appreciate their concern but they showed it poorly and you won’t have anyone speak to or about your husband like that. And then keep them at a distance. Familiarity bred contempt. Your husband should not move back with you and you need to tell your mother it isn’t immature to avoid people disrespectful and rude. It’s called consequences.October 18, 2017 at 3:50 pm #723824
To address your question about your parents, which I realize I didn’t answer: realistically, your parents are just plain not going to change. It is clear they have zero understanding of mental health problems, and even less patience with it. Certainly nobody with a clue would figure that it was a good idea to sit your husband down and tell him all the things he did wrong and what he doesn’t like. It’s in the past; nothing can be done about it, and there really isn’t anything positive that could come out of it. Parents yelling at you to leave him; your mom texting his mom to say he’s not welcome – all of this is not something you’re going to get past and all live happily together, even temporarily. Your dad may SAY he’s relented, but it would be a piss poor idea to count on it lasting, and your husband is going to be judged lacking no matter WHAT he does. You aren’t going to fix your parents. And any interactions between them and him will only have any chance of going better if you’re both employed, living out of their roof, and he’s treating you well.October 18, 2017 at 4:13 pm #723831
I’m wondering how long you’ve actually been married and how long you’ve lived together. I can’t figure from the timeline, but it sounds as though you were living apart for at least two years of the marriage.
You are correct that your parents don’t get to tell you how to live in your marriage. However, I can also tell you that no parent likes to see their grown child treated badly by a spouse or partner and working themselves to a nub to support someone whose issues keep them from living an economically productive life. And no parent wants to see their grown child have a baby with someone who doesn’t carry his own weight, who requires tiptoeing around, and whose home environment is hostage to his mental health condition. What you’ve described is no place for a child. It’s bad enough for you, as an adult – totally unacceptable for a child, and even more untenable if it’s a special needs child – maybe a kid just like him? Forget you being a stay at home mom – it’s a better question as to whether you would be caring for and supporting the entire household, all while being suppressed to keep him from going off, and yelled at by him. That’s what any parent is afraid of. Your parents just did a shit job expressing their worries, and way overstepped their bounds. Doesn’t mean they aren’t at least partly right in their concerns.
Please make sure you are using reliable birth control. No child deserves what you two have to offer.