Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I can't come to terms with something she did before we were together.

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar Arra 2 weeks ago.

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  • #667064 Reply
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    mattp9850
    Member

    Hi guys,

    I’m having a bit of a dilemma with a woman I have been seeing seriously for just over four months now. Recently we’ve hit a stumbling block.. or ten. Amongst a few other lies and mistrusts, there has recently been something come to light that I can’t seem to let go off. After we slept together for the first time, it was nothing serious as she’s just been through a break-up. I say break-up, the guy simply abandoned her after two months. No goodbye, no explanation. Just suddenly stopped replying to texts and gone. After we slept together the woman, who I had known for months before this night, didn’t seem quite herself and quite rightly. I told her I’d give her some breathing space before anything else happened and give her time to come to terms with what had happened but told her i’d like to date her when I returned home in ten days. She slept with someone else four days later and told me about it, almost in a bragging way because he was a z-lister. Of course, a little hurt and angry I explained to her why I didn’t want to hear about it and that I liked her a lot and wanted to see her properly when I got back and she told me all about how she wanted the same and was afraid she’d ruined everything and promised she’d wait until I got back.. I recently found out she didn’t. She began messaging someone from Tinder just two days later, at first friendly but after arranging a first date for an upcoming evening with me, she then starting sexting the other guy and sent him illicit pictures and maybe a video two evenings before I returned to the city. She was made aware that when people lie to me it really plagues my thoughts. I don’t mind if people make mistakes and mess up, as long as they’re honest about it, because I have always struggled with trust and rebuilding it is something that I’ve just never be capable of. To make it worse, the guy she was messaging had left the city and had no intentions of ever coming back, it was simply sexting for the sake of it, for a bit of fun or to feel wanted.

    I can’t escape the thoughts that I and the prospect of a relationship with me were so worthless and meaningless to her that it’d be more fun to have a short one of sexting session then be with me at all. It took four months to tell me and that was only because I’d found out about a lot of other little things she’d intentionally hidden. She has a sexual history of doing this and of a lot of ONSs, something she isn’t proud of and openly chose me as the first person to ever tell the whole truth about it all to and said she wanted to get help as it’s making her feel low and was a cycle of validation. She’d sleep with a guy to feel good, feel awful instead and worthless then do it again to feel better and it continued. The only two men she’d ever been with seriously, one abandoned her and the other was cheating with her friends the whole time they were together. She says that she had heard a lot of the things i’d said about sticking around and wanting to date her far too many times and couldn’t possibly believe it and so slipped back in to her old ways out of fear I would never stick around like the others. She convinced herself time after time that those ONSs would text and call back.. which a few did, but only at 5am asking for more sex. I really do’t care about the rest of it, I just thought it was necessary to add to explain her reasoning behind it. The stuff before me and before I came along is irrelevant. Even sleeping with that guy doesn’t phase me because I wasn’t entirely clear about my intentions and it was a fresh wound to her. It’s just going out to intentionally find someone else to comfort her, we were sexting and stuff at the time anyway. Was it really just a validation thing, from a guy who couldn’t abandon her because she knew he wouldn’t stick around? I’m certain in my own head I’m not going to leave her, I genuinely believe she’d never do that again and hasn’t done anything since that day with anyone else. She’s jumped through every hoop in order to make things right and and prove there was nothing more to it and that nothing had happened with anyone since and that she’s fallen for me. I can’t put in to words how appreciative I am of how much trust she puts in me now and how open she is with me. However, I still can’t seem to let go of those thoughts that it was intentional and there was no excuses for it. I already accept that yeah, she made an awful mistake and there is nothing either of us could do to change it. Neither of us expected us to come this far and I can’t even say what it is that bothers me about it so much, that fact she knows she did something wrong to hide it and lie about it for so long, was she just ashamed, scared it’d be the end for us and it was too late to come clean. The painful thing is, I know that if i didn’t have to leave the city for those ten days and I saw her again and she knew how genuine I was being, this would have never happened and finding out after developing feelings for her, even though it did happen in a time when she had only made promises and had no real obligations to me and it should be irrelevant, now it somehow feels like it isn’t. Had I known from the start when we told each other everything and there wasn’t anything serious between us I would’ve just brushed it off and laughed at how silly it all was. But now it feels like it’s something enormous for me to try and get around. Has anyone been through something like this before, how did you deal with it and does anyone have any suggestions of a different way of thinking about it that would make things just a little easier until I begin to forget it ever happened at all?

    #667074 Reply
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    Kate

    Oh jeez, I remember you wrote in before about her, and my take on it was you’re both extremely vulnerable and kind of unhealthily using each other to project your insecurities and try to heal past damage. I honestly think she tells you all this awful stuff because she knows you’re very insecure and won’t leave her, and she relishes the dramatic reaction she gets. It proves she “matters.” And you’ve been cheated on before and admitted that you’re using this thing as a way to prove to yourself that you’re worthy or that women can be true. But it’s not working out so well.

    It’s clear that she hasn’t done the work to fix herself and the need for constant validation if that’s what her problem is. And you can’t fix her. She is absolutely going to keep seeking attention from other men and making sure you find out about it. She’s so messed up, she WANTS to hurt you. You both need to stop using each other as a dirty emotional band-aid and get some real help, then learn how to be alone.

    #667075 Reply
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    Kate

    From your previous post: “When we started talking it was a lot of sexting, whilst she had a boyfriend. Am I the guy being made a mug of now?”

    Yes! I’m sorry, but you are. She sexted and hooked up with you when she had a boyfriend. Then she agreed to date you AND hooked up with and sexted other guys while she STILL had a boyfriend. This is what she does. She’s messed up, way beyond your ability to try to fix.

    #667079 Reply
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    Kate

    “…does anyone have any suggestions of a different way of thinking about it that would make things just a little easier until I begin to forget it ever happened at all?”

    No. I know that’s what you want, because you’ve invested yourself so much in this mess. If you were in a happy, committed, healthy relationship with a future, but you found out that, say, she hooked up with a guy during the few weeks you were first dating but not exclusive, fine, I’m sure people could coach you through getting past that. But the problem here is that she’s going to keep up this pattern of behavior and hurting you again and again because, I think, being able to do so and have you stick around gives her some validation that she needs. I know you’re going to stay with her, and you’ll be writing in next month about the same issues.

    #667088 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I suggest MOA and find a therapist. Way too dramatic for four months of bullshit.

    #667089 Reply
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    Daisy

    What’s a z-lister? I don’t even know if that’s good or bad.

    #667100 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I took “z-lister” to mean that she was messing around with some guy he felt was beneath him.

    Matt, take a step back, and try to look at what’s happening here in an objective way. This isn’t a normal, healthy, relationship in any way, because she’s not healthy. She doesn’t see you as a partner or friend, not in a true sense. To her, you’re a chess piece. A way for her to get validation. She needs attention from as many men as possible to feel OK about herself, and it boosts her ego to hurt you. “See how much he needs me?”

    The woman is a mess, and it’s a mess that you can’t fix. Don’t get caught up in her drama. You’ll never have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with her because she’s not capable of it. I know you’ve probably got this feeling that you have to help her, to save her…..but it won’t work, and all you’ll do is bring a whole lot of pain on yourself.

    It’s only been 4 months. Walk away. Find a woman who’ll be a true partner to you.

    #667101 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Why in the world are you “certain” you’ll stay with someone who clearly is completely incompatible with you? It’s only been four months. Leave her. Stop being a gullible chump.

    #667105 Reply
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    Ale

    Z-lister:
    a person who considers themselves to be a celebrity when they really aren’t. they are the stereotypical “one hit wonder” or “nobody” and when referenced people say “who is that?”.

    There are other definitions but I think that this is the one that applies since she was “bragging”.

    #667110 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I was picturing something along the lines of a d-list celebutante or lame YouTube ‘celebrity’ but who knows.

    #667113 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    If you can’t get past it, then that’s the end of it. This relationship has never been on solid ground. If she’s had to “jump through hoops” to make it work, then it doesn’t work. No one should be putting that much work into a relationship so early on. And you say that she trusts you, but you never say that you trust her. It doesn’t sound like you do. This can’t work out unless she suddenly turns into a drastically different person, which isn’t going to happen. Just move on.

    #667116 Reply

    I also assumed this was that same kid from before, after about a third of the first paragraph… and Matt, I didnt read your post past that.

    You and your gf need to not be together. You are toxic to each other- as in , it goes both ways. There is no Riding Off Into THe Sunset happy ending for you two.

    This level of drama can only be achieved while young, when you still think that you are going to magically overcome all the odds, and baggage, and issues because that is what rom-coms have led you to believe. I’ve lived it, totally thought I was a special snowflake and my relationship(s) would make it because LOOOOOVE. They didnt.

    Please listen to the advice you received last time. Good luck.

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