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Dear Wendy

“I Come Second To Her Parents”

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ange 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #690292 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for 8 months now and we recently moved in together 3 months ago things are great between us and we get along very well but there’s one hiccup in our relationship that kind of gets me annoyed/upset. I feel like I’m the every other day girlfriend. My partner spends a lot of time with her family and I don’t know if I’m being selfish but every time we have something going on or even if we don’t have something going on, and if her parents summon her to go over she just gets up and goes. Not that I don’t mind spending alone time. It’s just that if her parents tell her to jump she jumps. We spend every other day together during the week because her parents want her. And she also sees them every weekend. She’ll see them Friday night, then we’ll spend Saturday together and all of a sudden will be required to leave after dinner because her parents have something that they want to do Sunday. We’ll also be having a great time together but I always have this gut feeling that my time with her will be cut short no matter what because eventually she’ll be summoned by her parents. Both of our parents live near each other but I don’t necessarily have to see my family as much as she sees hers, not because there’s any issues it’s just that my family doesn’t require for all us to be spending 5 days out of the week together, if we see each other twice or three times out of the week it’s fine because We all know that we have busy schedules, and we have our own lives and we’re ok with calling each other or texting each other just to see how we are doing. Also I feel like every time we make a decision together I have to wait for the final decision because she needs the advice of her parents, but half the time they tell her how she needs to do things and it’s not really advice. It also makes me feel like no matter what WE decide as a couple her parents will give her a different approach and then eventually we don’t end up doing anything because she backs out. Like when we wanted to buy a house, but plans didn’t go through because her parents told her it’s not a good idea. Now they’re telling her that maybe we should buy an apartment instead of a house but it’s honestly not in our best interest because our mortgage would be the same thing as house because of HOA fees. I just don’t want to be second to her parents especially if we’re talking about getting married down the road.

    #690294 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Woah, why are you talking about buying a home with this woman whose lifestyle is a pretty big conflict for you? Don’t you think you should work out the issues you’re having with the amount of time she spends with her parents, the way she constantly accommodates their schedule and needs at the sacrifice of your needs and your couple time, and how she can’t make a decision with you without getting their advice and approval?! You’ve only been together for 8 months. Slow your roll! Talk with her about how you’re feeling discuss setting up some time(s) during the week that are for you and her only or that are non-family time, when you know her attention and focus will be solely on you. Talk about how you feel when she constantly seeks approval from her parents and prioritizes their suggestions for YOUR plans. If she isn’t willing to start setting some boundaries and making some compromises (Which you’re need to meet her halfway on), then you need to think really carefully about whether this is a good longterm match for you. You may love her and you two may be compatible in a lot of ways, but if she’s going to continue disregarding your feelings to appease Mommy and Daddy, she probably isn’t whom you should be planning to buy a home with and get married to…

    #690300 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    Totally agree with Wendy. It’s a very bad idea to move ahead with relationship milestones when there are basic compatibility issues in the relationship. Hitting the milestones aren’t going to fix the issues. Buying a house or getting married isn’t going to suddenly make her say “maybe I should stop doing everything my parents tell me to do”. That’s not how it works.

    You don’t say whether your girlfriend is happy with having this kind of relationship with her parents or not. If she’s happy with it and this is how she’s comfortable living, then that’s just “her”. That’s the person she is, and you have to take her or leave her as she is. If you can’t live with it, then there’s your answer. And when I that, I don’t mean that you tolerate her behaviour and constantly try to change it. I mean you accept that that’s how it’s going to be, and are able to have a happy relationship. I don’t think I could live with it, personally, but it’s your call to make.

    If she’s not happy with the relationship with her parents, then that’s different. If she wants to do less with them, have less advice from them, etc, then you can maybe help her to set boundaries and encourage her to make her own decisions. But it doesn’t really sound like that’s the case, so you need to stop and consider if this person, the whole person, is someone you want to be in a relationship with. Even if literally everything else about her is perfect, if this one (major) thing can’t change and you can’t deal with it, then that means you’re not compatible.

    #690323 Reply
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    MMR

    I’m not against trying to get her to compromise, but I really doubt it will work. Even if she agrees to try it, it sounds like she’s not mature enough to make life decisions on her own and you’ll have to take responsibility for her entire life, which also isn’t healthy.

    Either way, make sure the two of you are both happy and settled into a comfortable relationship before even considering buying a house.

    #690325 Reply

    She’s not making any decisions or plans with you unless her parents have total dominion over it. Is that what you want in life?

    #690328 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Slow down you move to fast / mommy and daddy ensure this won’t last…

    #690329 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I’d move on. This is who she is. She does what her parents want and can’t make a decision without them. She isn’t going to stop the way she does things. She is like a child and that isn’t likely to change. Definitely don’t buy a house with her while she is running to her parents for every decision.

    In general, slow things down. Give yourself more time to know someone before making a major life decision like purchasing a home. Give yourself enough time for the relationship to fall apart before moving on to marriage or major purchases or children. I’d give it at least two years and see at that time how happy you are with the relationship and see if you can identify any major red flags or incompatibilities or basic differences in values or lifestyle.

    #690333 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Marrying or moving in with someone doesn’t magically change how they think about the world. She won’t suddenly decide that YOU are the person she should consider first, and YOU are the one whose opinions matter when it comes to life decisions just because you make a formal commitment. She needs to be thinking that way already…

    #690337 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    You’re really lucky that house purchase fell through. Her parents were right – it’s a terrible idea to buy real estate with someone you’ve only known for a few months.

    At the beginning of a relationship, it can feel like you know each other sooooo well. You don’t. Really knowing someone takes time. Look what’s happening here. You’re just realizing that there are aspects to her personality that you probably can’t live with. That’s part of that learning process in relationships. Your lover seems perfect, and you slowly discover the imperfections over time.

    I’m not going to tell you to break up, but it would be a good idea to put the brakes on. There’s no need to rush into buying a home, or getting married. This issue with her parents needs to get resolved before you even consider those things.

    #690350 Reply
    avatar
    LW

    Thanks guys I’ve read all your comments and you were right. This weekend I brought it up to her attention and she pretty much told me that she isn’t going to set boundaries when it comes to her family or make compromises because that’s her family. And since this is something that’s always been bothering me and it’s something that’s not going to change she decided to move back in with her parents while I was at work. She couldn’t even confront me or tell me face to face that that she was just going to get up and leave and that this wasn’t what she wanted anymore. She even tried to flip the tables on me and make me the bad guy by expressing how I felt and because I liked and shared some posts on social media she took that as me not wanting this relationship anymore. She’s 22 and I’m 26 I’ve been on my own since I was 18 and she’s always been sheltered by mommy and daddy. Her mom spoke to me and asked me my side and her mother flat out told me that she doesn’t summon her daughter at all that her daughter just says she’s going over. Now I know that she wasn’t ready at all to settle or be in a serious relationship where there’s sacrifices and comprises as a couple

    #690354 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    LW I’m sorry you’re learning a painful lesson but glad it’s coming before you entangled your financial future with a woman you’re not on the same page with. Take some time to heal and figure out why you would ignore such huge red flags in your relationship. You’re young and you have plenty of time to build something solid in the future with someone who wants what you want.

    #690356 Reply

    You are lucky she left, quite frankly. This was moving too fast, and it seems like you were a lot of that forward momentum. I agree that it’d be good for you to reflect on the lessons this has taught you.

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