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“I Got An Abortion and Didn’t Tell Him”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “I Got An Abortion and Didn’t Tell Him”

This topic contains 11 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar carolann 5 days, 5 hours ago.

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  • #722308 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    I had an abortion last week and I didn’t tell him because I knew he wouldn’t have allowed me to.I knew he would be a good dad as he is to his children.He is very supportive,loves me very much and he is everything a woman needs in a man.I aborted because I have a 2 year old son bt not wth him his father denied paternity it’s my mom doing everything for him and I’m in college studying my mother looks after my son.I felt like my parents would be disappointed and they would take me off from school and let me stay at home.I have goals and I want to work so that I can be able to provide for my baby.when I found out that I was pregnant I saw my life being over and that I won’t get another chance to study so I decided to abort.Nw I feel guilty and regret it,I’m always crying and I want my twins back.I don’t even know how will I tell my boyfriend,should I tell him or not?I’m scared I don’t want to lose him,he is the best man.

    Guilty,SA

    #722318 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think you made the right choice, because having 3 little kids doesn’t work for you right now. You just can’t do it.

    Regarding your boyfriend, I don’t think he’s the guy for you. You say he wouldn’t let you have an abortion. So, that’s a thing called reproductive coercion, and it’s actually a form of abuse. It includes tampering with birth control, trying to impregnate you when that’s not your choice, preventing you from having an abortion if you want to have one, anything that has to do with reproducing against your own will or choice.

    You believe that abortion is justified under certain conditions, he doesn’t. And worse, he would exert control over you to prevent you from having an abortion.

    If you told him, are you afraid of how he’d react? Would he get very angry and possibly harm you? If so, you should break up with him. If not, I guess it’s up to you to tell him or not. You already made the choice to abort, which you knew he would not be okay with. If you plan to stay with him, you should probably tell him and face whatever happens. I think I’d recommend just breaking up and not telling him though, because I don’t see how you’re compatible, with such different values.

    #722319 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I’m curious if they asked you, at the clinic, about your boyfriend and whether you feel he’s controlling or abusing you. Every time I get my pill prescription refilled, they ask me these questions about my partner and talk to me about reproductive coercion.

    Are you now on a reliable form of birth control that he cannot tamper with? Like a shot or implant? It sounds like you should be.

    #722322 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    You did the right thing. You couldn’t cope with three kids at this time. It’s natural to feel something about having to have an abortion, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t the correct thing to do.

    I definitely think you need a dose of counselling to get you over the guilt and grief as you need to talk to someone objective and non judgemental( not you boyfriend – at least not until you’ve sorted out your own feelings. ) I worry that in telling him you’d unleash a lot of anger etc that you don’t need right now or even possibly ever.

    Here is a list of low cost mental health resources in us from another agony aunt:
    https://captainawkward.com/2017/10/03/guest-post-14-free-and-low-cost-mental-health-resources/

    Also if you’re in school there will be counselling available through them.

    And more importantly, time to get on a very effective form of birth control like an IUD.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by avatar Heatherly.
    #722325 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, Heather is right, don’t do anything re: your boyfriend until you get some counseling about the situation and are on a reliable form of birth control like IUD, ring, implant, whatever’s best for you.

    #722326 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Agreed with Kate and Heatherly – if you are afraid of his reaction and especially afraid he would harm you, then I do not recommend telling him. I also recommend breaking up with him because you should not be afraid that your partner will manipulate you, physically or emotionally harm you.

    You did what was right for you. It is not an easy choice but over the course of your life, I hope you will realize that salient nugget: You did what was best for you at the time.

    Now you have to do what we all do in difficult times: Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, ask for help from the helpers and focus on self care.

    #722329 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Get on birth control RIGHT NOW. This is your second ‘whoopsie.’ You’re not a child anymore, and you need to be responsible for your own reproductive choices.

    Then, make an appointment with a counselor or therapist or someone who can assist you in sorting through your feelings (your school may offer these services—look into it!). He or she will be far better equipped to help you cope than an internet forum.

    #722377 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    You did what was best for you. But I will say that if you’re with someone you can’t tell you had an abortion because he’d leave you or react aggressively, he’s not the right person for you.

    #722379 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I looked up reproductive coercion just for kicks on Wikipedia, and even pressuring you to have or not have an abortion is one of the 3 types of reproductive coercion, called Pregnancy Pressure. “Not letting” you have one is full blown abuse. Not only is this a thing, it’s a public health crisis. Please talk to someone.

    #722382 Reply
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    Boo Berry Waffles

    I second the idea of long term birth control such as an IUD. You made the right choice for your situation and your existing child, but you’re allowed to have complicated feelings regarding how things have worked out.

    Doing the right thing is often a difficult thing to do, that’s why so many doing the wrong thing instead.

    #723116 Reply
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    carolann
    Member

    I third the IUD. If you have issues with hormones in the other methods.(I do.) You can get a hormonal or non hormonal IUD. Even the hormonal IUD is better the pill, shot etc… the hormone progesterone stays concentrated in the uterus. https://www.bedsider.org/features/70-paragard-vs-mirena-which-iud-is-best-for-you

    #723117 Reply
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    carolann
    Member

    I wanted to add…how do you know your boyfriend would have tried to make you keep it? Was he pressuring you to have a baby? I think you should probably take a break from relationships and concentrate on your boy and school. I am getting a psycho boyfriend vibe. Your plate is full and your focus should be on your Son, not on some controlling douchbag.

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