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“I Lied Out of Fear”

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This topic contains 18 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #737462 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    I had been with my ex for a year and a half, lived with him for 3 months before he broke up with me. Everything was perfect in our relationship, we never argued and got along in every way imaginable. But I made a mistake, I had an extremely abusive childhood, although it is no excuse, I had an incredibly hard time communicating my feelings specially if they were negative. I had the stupid idea of creating a fake Facebook friend and use it to talk to my ex when I was having a hard time with something having to do with him. So using this “friend”, I would send my ex a message stating the problem and suggesting he go easy on me. I used the account 3 times during our relationship.

    Once I sent an image accidentally through the account and my ex immediately suspected it to be me, he confronted me about it but I was so terrified I denied it. I denied to the point where my ex apologized to me for doubting me. I felt bad but I also was too ashamed for him to know the truth. Our relationship went on fine for several more months. I wanted to delete the account but I didn’t know yet how to make this friend suddenly disappear. I was having some issues with my family that were affecting me a lot back in September, my grandfather suddenly died, so because of the difficulty and affect my family was having on me, my ex wanted to end things.

    He did, said it was because of my family. I ended up in a mental hospital for two weeks because it was just so overwhelming, I didnt have the will to live anymore. My ex messaged the account telling my friend (me) that he had to end things because of the issues with my family but wanted me to have someone to talk to. Since it was me who was the account, I used it to tell him mean things for the first time, I was so sad, hurt and angry I basically told him he was worthless. That I deserve better and that it was his fault I was in the hospital. I blocked him from messaging the account after that and I wanted to delete it but I just left it there and didn’t use it.

    I got out of the hospital and am going through therapy since, working on all my traumas and problems. Eventually the problems with my family all got cleared up. My ex and I were getting along again and it seemed like we were going to get back together. But recently he said in order to move on and see if things can work out, he needed to know the truth about this account or he wouldn’t be able to have contact with me. I denied it again, I was extremely scared. So he ended contact.

    A week later I wrote a letter explaining everything and apologizing. He thanked me for coming clean, told me he felt a lot of emotions but mostly he felt very angry, like I fooled him and played mind games with him. I didnt mean to do that but I understand I did. He said he wishes the best for me but that right now he cant talk to me because it doesn’t feel good and he doesn’t know if he will want to in the future or not.

    I feel absolutely awful. I’m truly sorry for what I did, I would give anything for him to forgive me and give me another chance. But I know that may very well be not possible. I’ve told friends and family what I did and they all say although it was wrong, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world and it wasn’t bad enough for him to just cut all contact with me and not be willing to talk to me. But I feel like what I did is unforgivable, can I possibly rebuild trust with my ex after this? How bad is what I did to him? I’m working really hard on myself and my communication problems. Is there any way I can come back from this with him?

    Thank you for any advice you can offer.

    #737465 Reply
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    MissD
    Participant

    I think your friends and family are wrong. What you did, although maybe it’s not a horrible betrayal like cheating or something, is absolutely 100% a good reason for him to cut off contact with you. You are emotionally unhealthy and you lied. He has every right to not want to be mixed up with someone with such mental and emotional health issues.

    Forget about your ex. You don’t need a boyfriend. You need to keep going to therapy.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by avatar MissD.
    #737469 Reply
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    JD

    So he is mad a “stranger” messaged him but it was you? Who cares? Sounds way over dramatic of him. He shouldn’t be speaking to strange women online anyway. That being said you two should not be together. I still don’t even get why you made a fake account. Sounds over dramatic as well and manipulative.

    #737474 Reply
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    Kate

    I agree, it’s absolutely sufficient reason to break up (though, that’s not actually why he broke up with you. He broke up with you because he couldn’t handle you at your worst, which is reason enough you two shouldn’t be together).

    It’s really bad for so many reasons… it shows you’re immature, lacking in communication and conflict resolution skills, a liar / untrustworthy, manipulative, self centered. Your family isn’t helping by saying it’s not that bad. You need to understand how bad it was so you NEVER do anything like that again.

    It’s over with this guy, as it should be. He’s not up for a relationship with someone as troubled as you are at this time. He showed you that. Even if he came back, he’d bail again when things get tough.

    You need to keep doing the work to fix what’s wrong. Date other guys, develop relationship skills. That one only worked because you never addressed any conflict and things were easy.

    #737475 Reply
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    MissD
    Participant

    @JD I don’t think it was a “stranger” … my impression was that she made up this fake FB profile and told her boyfriend that the person was a friend of hers. And then when there were issues and she wasn’t able to communicate with her boyfriend, she’d pretend to be the concerned “friend” giving kind feedback/advice.

    It’s still immature of the ex bf though… like how old are these people that he thinks it’s normal to talk to his girlfriend’s friend online (that he’s never met) about his private relationship? Weird.

    #737476 Reply
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    Fyodor

    What you did was extremely manipulative and dishonest. You created a fake identity to manipulate and deceive him and then lied about it repeatedly. If he were writing in I would absolutely advise him to stay a million miles away from you.

    “I’ve told friends and family what I did and they all say although it was wrong, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world and it wasn’t bad enough for him to just cut all contact with me and not be willing to talk to me. ”

    You seem to be bringing up your friends’ and family’s view of your behavior as “proof” of some kind that he’s not allowed to break up with you. They don’t get to decide that. They don’t get to decide whether he has enough justification. He does. He doesn’t even need a justification. He’s allowed to just say he’s unhappy in the relationship and wants to move on. You have to respect that. People get broken up with for a lot less than what you did and they have to accept and respect it.

    For your own sake too, stay away. I think you need a long time away from romantic relationships. Even when you’re ready to date it might be better to stay away from the specific person with whom you had such dysfunctional dynamics.

    #737477 Reply
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    Fyodor

    “It’s still immature of the ex bf though… like how old are these people that he thinks it’s normal to talk to his girlfriend’s friend online (that he’s never met) about his private relationship? Weird.”

    I think that young people have a lot more of these online-only type relationships. And I don’t think that he was the one instigating these conversations.

    #737479 Reply
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    keyblade
    Member

    “Everything was perfect in our relationship, we never argued and got along in every way imaginable.”

    You are idealizing the past. A relationship is about two people who authentically work together. If it doesn’t work for one person, there is no relationship. Trying to manipulate your ex-boyfriend’s feelings and actions towards you with lies indicates you don’t trust others and you aren’t emotionally trustworthy, yourself.

    It isn’t about how big or bad was the mistake. He doesn’t trust you, and he is right. You aren’t a safe person. I know you are hurting and I’m sorry for that. Building integrity begins with ownership. If you have told your family what you did, it sounds like you are willing to do that part. Your family (are these the same people who abused you?!) might be willing to love and support you, despite your mistakes, but relationships aren’t built on popular consensus. Perhaps your ex completely forgives you and thinks you have good qualities. It doesn’t mean he has to choose to have you in his life in any capacity.

    Don’t judge it. Stop trying to control it. Use your embarrassment and loss as an experience that teaches you some valuable things in the future. Don’t lie to people you love. If you feel the need to lie, something bigger isn’t working. Be honest with yourself. Live well and move on.

    #737482 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Any person can break up for any reason. There is no gauge to tell you whether a reason is sufficient. Any reason is sufficient if it makes a person not want to be in a relationship. Your relationship didn’t work for him and it didn’t work for you. When you have to resort to a fake friend to try to manipulate your boyfriend the relationship isn’t working. That is a huge sign that it is broken beyond repair. The two of you had a serious inability to communicate. Once you’ve developed a pattern like that you aren’t likely to get out of it. Couples drop back into their established patterns and yours was dysfunctional. Your ex did the right thing by moving on.

    You need to continue working on yourself. You need to learn to express yourself in a healthy way with no fake friend and no manipulation. You need honesty. You aren’t ready for a relationship at this time. Continue working on yourself. Get healthy and learn how to express yourself. Then try a new relationship. The relationship with the ex is beyond repair. There is no trust left in your old relationship and trust is required for any long term, strong, healthy relationship. You destroyed the trust.

    Assume that your family is too messed up to give good relationship advice. The people who messed you up aren’t likely to help you build a healthy relationship.

    #737485 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    “It’s still immature of the ex bf though… like how old are these people that he thinks it’s normal to talk to his girlfriend’s friend online (that he’s never met) about his private relationship? Weird.”

    He was trying to find her a source of support and the online friend seemed to be someone who cared about her. I don’t think it was immature of him to try to find someone who would want to be there for her even if he hadn’t met the friend.

    #737488 Reply
    avatar
    Essie
    Participant

    Your first priority should be to get healthy. Focus on your therapy and recovery, and stop thinking about getting back with this guy. You’re not healthy enough to be in a relationship right now.

    Successful relationships require honesty. The kind of game-playing and lying that you did kills relationships. I understand that you did it because you were upset and afraid, but still, it destroyed your boyfriend’s trust in you. You can’t have a solid relationship if your partner can’t trust you.

    So, get yourself well. You’re getting the help you need to get better. Stick with that, and when you feel confident that you can deal honestly with a partner, then you can think about dating again.

    #737489 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I like to say that we all have to carry our own emotional baggage. We can’t expect someone to carry it for us. You couldn’t deal with issues face to face so you created this online persona to get him to address your problems. That was dishonest, manipulative and you kept lying about it even when he knew the truth. That’s why you never argued – you had your second self do that work for you.

    You

    You have baggage – a lot of it. You need to unpack that, sort it out, get rid of what you can so that what you are left with is more manageable and leave this guy alone.

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