Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I need to get over him!

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I need to get over him!

This topic contains 12 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Copa Copa 2 days, 15 hours ago.

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  • #681465 Reply
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    ErinEileen

    I desperately need advice on moving on from my ex. He was my ex boyfriend and ex best friend. I went through a really bad spell where I lost my job, my aunt died, my father had a severe stroke and rather then stepping up he said the relationship was going nowhere. He said he needed to move on and began a new relationship. We have zero contact now after a huge blowup and while I know he’s no good for me and he’ll never be the person I need him to be, the idea of losing one more thing is devastating. I need ideas on how to get over him quickly so I can try and move on. As of now I’m a mess.

    #681466 Reply
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    Anny123

    How long has this been? This is so cliche and I know it doesn’t help much in the moment, but give this time, and I promise you that once you give it enough time (NO CONTACT), that you will look back and feel relieved. Please keep that zero contact going, even if he does try to reach out, which I am sure he will. Block his number now. I know this probably seems like an impossible idea because you may hold on to hope that he will come back and realize his mistake, but I promise you that a person that can walk away from you in a time when you most needed support, is someone who is not worthy of a place in your life. It feels lonely, sad, and scary to do this but I commend you for staying no contact, and realizing that you need to do something to keep busy while you heal from another loss.

    I am really sorry that you had all of that happen to you, I can understand how hard that must be, and then having one more person whom you considered your best friend walk away- but, let me ask you, would your best friend walk away from you in a time like this? I would bet they would not, our friends are the ones that are there thick and then, and especially there when we go through difficult times. He clearly did not see your worth or value enough to stick around, and he is on to the next one- consider yourself lucky.

    DO NOT get over him quickly, take this ONE day at a time. This is going to take a while, and you do not want to rush your feelings/emotions/healing. What worked for me when I felt like I was a mess was I just kept reminding myself that a person who really knew me, and valued me, woulnd’t put me in a situation like this. We deserve to be valued and respected, and to have people around us to lift us up. You two just weren’t meant to stay together, and it will hurt for a while. What helped me was to read a few books, stay busy with friends, write down what I see my future being (short term/long term) write down all the terrible things about him, what he said or did that hurt you and post them around your house, and then write down all the things you hope and nkow you will have in your future partner. Please block him, and start this healing process… if you don’t I think it will turn into a back and forth and will end in more heartbreak. Step one: accept reality for what it is and do not blame yourself, sit with every tear and fear, worry, etc. step two: get back out there, find a new hobby, keep reminding yourself of what you’re capable of. Also, I found a lot of free online live chat support rooms that were great when I had moments of feeling a mess (try 7 cups). Hugs!!

    #681467 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    You probably won’t get over this quickly-you lost a lot in a short period of time and that’s something you need to process. Focus on caring for yourself right now–do the things that bring you joy and that move you forward in life (exercise, learning something new, whatever). Simple things like taking a walk while listening to some good music can help get yourself out of that miserable head space. If you’re slipping into depression or really not coping see a therapist to help you untangle your feelings.

    #681468 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Over the years, a therapist has done me a world of good. You’re going through a lot and a person you thought you could depend on failed you. I highly recommend seeking one out to talk to and help process your feelings.

    I’m sorry you’re going through all this. Whenever I’m down or feel like life sucks, I see my therapist, I allow myself to wallow, but only a little bit, I fill my schedule with friends, I cry in the shower, call my mom, I go to yoga and take long walks.

    Do those little things that make you happy and keep your mind busy so you don’t dwell on all the negative. It’s ok to let yourself feel sad, but also try to counteract it with people and activities you enjoy.

    #681493 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    You can’t flip a switch and get over someone, but you’re on the right track. 🙂

    Everyone else is right, sometimes you have to just let yourself feel bad for a little while. You’ve already reached the point where you know he’s no good for you, and that’s more than half the battle right here. What you need to do now is break the habit. Being in a relationship comes with all sorts of little familiar routines, and it’s the absence of those things that makes you feel a loss. So….

    Make new habits! If you used to talk to him at a particular time of day, plug something else into that time slot. Going to the gym. Watching an episode or two of a favorite show on Netflix. Make it something fun, that you look forward to. If you guys always went out on Saturday night, make sure to plan something with friends or family for the next few weeks, so you’re not sitting home thinking “we’d be out at dinner now….”

    Keeping busy in general really does help. And going no-contact is SO important. Every time you talk to him, or text him, is like ripping the scab off a wound. You have to start healing all over again. Don’t do that to yourself. He’s unsalvageable. Anyone who would dump you so cruelly right when you’re having such a rough stretch just isn’t a person you want in your life.

    #681503 Reply

    See a counselor!

    #681597 Reply
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    ErinEileen

    Thank u everyone for responding! I know I need distractions and I should probably talk to someone. It seems early mornings and the nighttimes are the hardest and I feel very dramatic saying that! I just don’t want to think about him anymore. I guess that’s my biggest issue at the moment.

    #681600 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    You have to, though. You might want to write your feelings out every day, even if you’re writing the same damn thing, until you stop feeling so sad, hurt, angry, or whatever. You can’t avoid the feelings, you have to go through them. And it sucks for a while but then it’s better. A lot of times, people can’t stand it and they reach out to the ex and start the cycle again, or have NSA sex or whatever, and never really get free of it, just prolong the misery. A clean break, and feeling the feelings, gets you through it. Along with treating yourself well, exercising, eating right, not drinking too much, sleeping, talking to friends, reading good books or watching good shows, etc.

    #681661 Reply
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    Anny123

    After the sun goes down is the worst! It will get easier, so hold hope in knowing that it will and there is so much better waiting for your out there, now start creating your new life 🙂

    #682898 Reply
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    ErinEileen

    Thanks guys again. So I’m still having a hard time but I think it’s cause my birthday is coming up and I never spent one without him as we were a couple and stuff for like 11 years. And we crossed each other’s paths the other day and he basically iced me and pretended he didn’t know me. His new relationship disintegrated and I guess he still hates me. But I haven’t reached out or tried calling and texting him at all so I’m proud of myself in that aspect!

    #682902 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    You should pat yourself on the back; you survived seeing him and didn’t crumble or reach out to him even when he took the low road and iced you out. He did that to hurt you but it truly doesn’t matter-all that counts is what’s ahead of you. 11 years is a huge amount of time to be with someone. Keep looking forward you’ll get there. And happy (almost) birthday!

    #682913 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    Think of your upcoming birthday as an opportunity to do what you always wanted to do (and never did because of your BF) and do that. Don’t see it as a lost day because you didn’t spend it with him, be happy that there are new possibilities opening up for you.

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