Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I want to move out and live with my sister but roommate doesn't want me to

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I want to move out and live with my sister but roommate doesn't want me to

This topic contains 21 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar JD 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #734747 Reply
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    Laura

    I have lived in a duplex with my roommate for a little over a year and a half, coming up on two years. Our lease was only for a year and we didn’t renew so we’re month to month now and I have no legal obligation to stay.
    My sister recently moved back in with our parents. I appreciate that they let her but my sister is trans and my parents are horrid transphobic bigots and refuse to accept that they no longer have a son but two daughters.
    My sister and I want to get a place together. We decided to move farther away from a parents and closer to my work. My sister wants it to be just us and honestly, I do too.
    The problem is my roommate. I’ve brought the topic up twice now and both times, she cut me off before I could tell her I wanted to move and this last time, suggested we turn the garage into a bedroom for my sister. The unfinished garage with the occasional unwelcome Rat.
    I feel bad cause I know she doesn’t want me to move out because she can’t afford this place on her own. I’ve spoken to our mutual friends about taking my place, trying to find her new roommate for her.
    I’m going to try and attempt to ask her for permission to move out again but I want to do this while preserving our friendship.
    Does anyone have any advice on how to do this?

    #734748 Reply
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    JD

    You do not ask for permission. You just tell her you are moving. Grow up and do what you want.

    #734752 Reply
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    ron

    As you know, you don’t need her position. Tell her it is a family emergency to help your sister. If she is a true friend, she will remain your friend.

    #734754 Reply
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    Laura

    And that is what I will be doing. But I feel bad because I feel like I’m leaving her hanging.

    #734755 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    This is a Tell situation not an Ask situation. Tell your roommate today that you are planning on moving out in the next 90 days. Tell your landlord, in writing, as well. Make a plan with your sister. Find a new place to rent. If your roommate wants to move in with you and your sister, that’s up to the two of you (the sisters). Three months is enough for anyone to find a new place to rent or a new roommate.

    No one likes change. But your roommate doesn’t control you, who you live with and where you live.

    #734756 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Eh… Better to leave her hanging — than your sister. Sorry, but I lost ALL sympathy for your roomie when she suggested your sister move into the garage and sleep with the occasional rat…

    #734757 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Giving her notice isn’t leaving her hanging. Put it in writing – 60 days is plenty given she already knows this is coming. Your role in life isn’t to inconvenience yourself or your sister for her interests. Give your landlord notice. And then leave. I notice she didn’t offer to live in the rat garage. There is zero point in sacrificing anything for anyone unwilling to do the same for you.

    #734758 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    You don’t need permission from another adult to move out. Tell her you’re moving out. Give notice. Then move out.

    Preserving a friendship is a two-way street. If your friend stops being your friend because you respectfully gave notice and left, then she’s not a true friend. You can’t live there indefinitely just because she doesn’t want you to leave.

    #734762 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    You just give notice and tell her you’re moving in with your sister. You already wrote in about this, but before you were trying to get your roommate to move out. If it’s month to month and no lease, it obviously makes more sense for you to just move. What’s the issue? YOU don’t need to find her another roommate either, she needs to find someone on her own, as she’s the one living with them. You can help if you want, but not your responsibility.

    #734769 Reply
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    Laura

    Kate, you’re right. My roommate at one point was talking out of anger about moving to another state but she’s since changed her mind.
    I came to realize through advice last time that I should move instead and thought since she was wanting to move anyways, I didn’t think there would be a problem.
    Suddenly she doesn’t want to leave and has made me feel like I’m obligated to stay. I’m frustrated by the situation and feel trapped but I guess I’m just terrified of having the big blow up fight I’m sure she’s going to make this.

    #734774 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I understand not liking awkward situations, but I’m not really understanding the obligation. You two signed a lease, not a marriage certificate. You never promised to live with her forever.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by avatar dinoceros.
    #734781 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    So let her blow up. That’s her reaction choice. You don’t have to participate. All you have to do is tell her “Here is the situation. This is what I am doing. You do you. Peace out.” You don’t have to stay for her emotional outburst. Treat her like a toddler “I can see you need to process your emotions, when you can use your words, I’ll listen. I won’t change my mind, but I can listen to you.” You can go back to your room and start the pack/purge process behind a closed door. If she gives you the silent treatment. Fine. If she breaks your stuff, take her to small claims court.

    What’s the absolute worst that can happen? Imagine that and hopefully you’ll be surprised when she doesn’t go that far off the rails.

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