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I was the "Other Woman" – how do I apologize?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I was the "Other Woman" – how do I apologize?

This topic contains 30 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 5 days, 2 hours ago.

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  • #734904 Reply
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    Samantha

    About 8 years ago, I was 24 and joined my local boxing gym. I had just split up with my kids’ dad (my daughters were 5 and 6 at the time) and wanted to make a positive change in my life. My friend was a member of the gym so I started tagging along with her. I really hit it off with the owner/main instructor of the gym, Marco*. With his help, I lost over 30 pounds and started to gain a lot of confidence. Well, what started off as friendly banter in the gym transitioned to friendly texting to flirty texting to a full-blown relationship (over a period of 5 months total). We both lived at home with our parents at the time so we would use the gym for alone time.

    All of this sounds like a healthy relationship – with one caveat. Marco had a serious girlfriend of 5+ years at the time – who he had no intention of leaving and planned on marrying. She also went to the gym but had zero clue what was going on. When I saw her, I would just act nice and just say hi. I am ashamed of all this now, knowing I basically ruined someone’s relationship. But I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and was not used to the attention Marco gave me.

    Long story short – I called Marco at 12 a.m. one night when he was in bed with his girlfriend Stephanie. She then went on his phone and found all our texts to each other so he confessed his infidelity. She dumped him the next day and then sent ME a very nasty, angry Facebook message calling me a Spanish whore and other unmentionable names. Marco and I tried dating for a few weeks after but when I showed interest in moving the relationship forward, he backed out and dumped me. I did continue to go to the gym and we remained friendly for a few years after. Coincidentally, Marco, Stephanie and I all live in the same small community and had gone to the same high school (though we were all in different grades and I was acquainted with neither back then). This means I would still sometimes see both Stephanie and Marco in public and at different social events.

    It all ended up working out for Marco’s ex-girlfriend – Stephanie met another guy a few months after she and Marco split and within a year, they were married and expecting their 1st baby. A few years after Marco, I also remarried and had another child. We both continue to live in the same town that we grew up in, along with our families, which brings me to my next point.

    By sheer coincidence, Stephanie’s youngest daughter and my daughter are in the same kindergarten class this year. I did not realize this until the 1st day of school when I saw Stephanie and her husband walk their daughter in the same time I was. Throughout the last few months, all the “kindergarten moms” have become fairly tight and often socialize together. This means I sometimes see Stephanie and her husband at mutual friends’ parties and kids’ birthday parties. Her husband is friendly and says hello but Stephanie just acts like I am invisible. I have tried to approach her to apologize and ask if we can mend bridges but she will literally run away if I walk towards her. If I wave, she acts like she doesn’t see me. If I speak in to her or in her general direction, she acts like she didn’t hear me. She even went so far as to not invite my daughter to her daughter’s birthday party last month, even though our kids are pretty friendly with one another.

    A few of the other moms in our group know the history between us and suggested I write Stephanie a card apologizing for hurting her. I don’t want to call her or text her as she clearly doesn’t want to speak to me. I don’t need to be friends with this woman but her behavior is getting a little out of hand and is starting to raise eyebrows between our mutual friends. I know I must have very badly hurt her but it looks like she has a great life – she is financially very comfortable, her husband seems like a great guy and her kids are beautiful and healthy. How can we put this behind us and move on so we are at least civil? I am open to suggestions.

    #734906 Reply
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    SweetT
    Member

    For me, there would be nothing you could do to overcome the fact that you knowingly cheated with my boyfriend and smiled to my face while doing it. To me, your character would not be someone I would want to ever associate with.

    Everyone makes mistakes and has regrets. She doesn’t have to put your past behind her. In a way, it sounds like she has – She has no contact with you and that’s her choice.

    Sounds pretty civil to me. I would probably give you death stares and she’s just not talking to you. I’d be grateful for that.

    #734908 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Why don’t you try leaving her alone? Don’t wave at her. Don’t seek her out. If she doesn’t want her kid being friends with your kid, there isn’t anything you can do about it.

    She thinks you are a liar and cheater. You smiled to her face while screwing her man before—she doesn’t trust you at all. Nor should she. Just because her life worked out now doesn’t mean she has to be pals with you now. YOU had nothing to do with her meeting her husband and building a beautiful family.

    Leave. Her. Alone.

    #734909 Reply
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    Northern Star

    And sending a stupid card will do nothing. You didn’t care about screwing her boyfriend until the consequences negatively affected YOUR home life. Any lame-o “apology” now will ring really, really hollow—especially since you dated her boyfriend after he got caught and dumped.

    You’re not sorry. Don’t pretend to be.

    #734911 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    There is no we. You want to put it behind you. She has no interest in your agenda.

    You were a willing participant in a major betrayal in her life. Just because she landed on her feet, that doesn’t absolve you of your actions. You have nothing to do with her beautiful children. You had to do with causing her heartbreak.

    You didn’t care about her when you were cheating with her boyfriend, why would you expect her to care about you and your desire for social niceties now? She is behaving civilly. She just wants nothing to do with you. Why should she? You’re a villain in her life story. Makes sense to me. This is what is referred to as the consequences of your actions.

    #734915 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    This sounds civil to me. It doesn’t sound like she’s causing scenes or being outwardly hostile. She’s just… living her life and doesn’t want anything to do with you, and that’s her right. I’ve never been in a small-town situation like this, but I imagine she’s reminded of what happened every time she sees you.

    Your apology seems disingenuous since you only want to make amends now that you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation.

    I’ve been cheated on and wouldn’t want to be friends or even friendly with the other woman, especially if she knew about me during her affair. It wouldn’t matter how many how many years had passed or if I’d moved on. I simply wouldn’t want anything to do with someone who caused me that kind of pain.

    #734917 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Actions have consequences.

    You need to respect her boundary. She wants no interaction with you so you quit trying to interact. It must be awful for her to have you trying to wave and talk to her when she so obviously wants no interaction. You are basically trying to show that you can force a relationship and she is showing you that you can’t.

    Her not inviting your daughter to her daughter’s birthday party is trivial compared to you having an affair with her boyfriend. I find it hard believe that you think it is rude or hurtful of her to not invite you to their party. That’s really insensitive on your part.

    #734920 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Yeah, just leave it and be glad she’s willing to ignore you, rather than something more aggressive. When you are the woman her boyfriend cheated with, there is no reality in which she is going to get along with you. As unpleasant as you find this situation, it’s a lot worse for her.

    #734953 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    When you keep trying to force an interaction with her when she clearly doesn’t want one you are showing that you have no more respect for her now than you did when you cheated on her with her boyfriend. The cheating was all about you and now this is all about your daughter. You don’t seem to have any real regret for your actions or any empathy for the pain you caused. You just want what you want.

    #734956 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Some wrongs can’t be forgiven, and it’s her right not to forgive you, or speak to you, or acknowledge that you exist, or have your child in her home.

    Actions have consequences. You caused this woman great pain, and you have no right to insist that she just get over it to make things more convenient for you. Doesn’t matter that she has a good life now. That doesn’t erase the pain she felt in the past.

    She’s decided that she wants nothing to do with you. That’s the price you pay for what you did. Accept it, learn from it, and move on.

    #734958 Reply
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    TheHizzy

    You posted this in both forums.

    #734971 Reply
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    Kate

    Ok, you’re a HUGE asshole for dating Marco when you knew he was in a relationship; for calling him in the middle of the night; for continuing to go to the gym afterwards; and now for telling the other kindergarten moms what you did to this woman (if it was you who told them).

    Sending her a fucking card is the worst idea in the world. These women are either complete morons or they love drama (probably the latter). STOP talking about this with them. Do NOT ever mention it again to anyone. And please take her cues and leave her alone.

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