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I was the "Other Woman" – how do I apologize?

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Dear Wendy Dear Wendy 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #734903
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    Samantha

    About 8 years ago, I was 24 and joined my local boxing gym. I had just split up with my kids’ dad (my daughters were 5 and 6 at the time) and wanted to make a positive change in my life. My friend was a member of the gym so I started tagging along with her. I really hit it off with the owner/main instructor of the gym, Marco*. With his help, I lost over 30 pounds and started to gain a lot of confidence. Well, what started off as friendly banter in the gym transitioned to friendly texting to flirty texting to a full-blown relationship (over a period of 5 months total). We both lived at home with our parents at the time so we would use the gym for alone time.

    All of this sounds like a healthy relationship – with one caveat. Marco had a serious girlfriend of 5+ years at the time – who he had no intention of leaving and planned on marrying. She also went to the gym but had zero clue what was going on. When I saw her, I would just act nice and just say hi. I am ashamed of all this now, knowing I basically ruined someone’s relationship. But I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and was not used to the attention Marco gave me.

    Long story short – I called Marco at 12 a.m. one night when he was in bed with his girlfriend Stephanie. She then went on his phone and found all our texts to each other so he confessed his infidelity. She dumped him the next day and then sent ME a very nasty, angry Facebook message calling me a Spanish whore and other unmentionable names. Marco and I tried dating for a few weeks after but when I showed interest in moving the relationship forward, he backed out and dumped me. I did continue to go to the gym and we remained friendly for a few years after. Coincidentally, Marco, Stephanie and I all live in the same small community and had gone to the same high school (though we were all in different grades and I was acquainted with neither back then). This means I would still sometimes see both Stephanie and Marco in public and at different social events.

    It all ended up working out for Marco’s ex-girlfriend – Stephanie met another guy a few months after she and Marco split and within a year, they were married and expecting their 1st baby. A few years after Marco, I also remarried and had another child. We both continue to live in the same town that we grew up in, along with our families, which brings me to my next point.

    By sheer coincidence, Stephanie’s youngest daughter and my daughter are in the same kindergarten class this year. I did not realize this until the 1st day of school when I saw Stephanie and her husband walk their daughter in the same time I was. Throughout the last few months, all the “kindergarten moms” have become fairly tight and often socialize together. This means I sometimes see Stephanie and her husband at mutual friends’ parties and kids’ birthday parties. Her husband is friendly and says hello but Stephanie just acts like I am invisible. I have tried to approach her to apologize and ask if we can mend bridges but she will literally run away if I walk towards her. If I wave, she acts like she doesn’t see me. If I speak in to her or in her general direction, she acts like she didn’t hear me. She even went so far as to not invite my daughter to her daughter’s birthday party last month, even though our kids are pretty friendly with one another.

    A few of the other moms in our group know the history between us and suggested I write Stephanie a card apologizing for hurting her. I don’t want to call her or text her as she clearly doesn’t want to speak to me. I don’t need to be friends with this woman but her behavior is getting a little out of hand and is starting to raise eyebrows between our mutual friends. I know I must have very badly hurt her but it looks like she has a great life – she is financially very comfortable, her husband seems like a great guy and her kids are beautiful and healthy. How can we put this behind us and move on so we are at least civil? I am open to suggestions.

    #734945
    Cleopatra_30
    Cleopatra_30
    Participant

    I do not think it is a good idea to send a card, that time came and went back when the relationship fell apart when she found out. You and her both have new lives (kids, husband etc.) Stop trying to push conversations with her, she is clearly uncomfortable and not interested. I think at this point, you need to maintain distance at any events you both are at, and do not attempt to try and talk to her about the situation at them. One way to create more drama in front of a bunch of others. I think it is up to her to make the move to talk with you, seeing as she is not on the same page as you, but keep it private and not in the public eye.

    As you said, she seems to have a great life, and moved on to a certain extent, I think that hurt will always be there in some shape and form, but right now is not the time to bring it up. Let her live her life, and enjoy the new one you have created as well.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Cleopatra_30 Cleopatra_30.
    #734949
    avatar
    TheHizzy

    Aye, your child has to pay for your stupidity. It seems that you knew he was in a relationship when you went after him, and he you. You both were in the wrong.

    Don’t try to force yourself on her even as a guise to apologize. You have to eat crow on this one. Maybe over the years if your childern interact more she’ll have a civil relationship with you, but that’s totally up to her.

    #734951
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    It is already a civil relationship. She isn’t shouting or rude or in any way uncivil. What she has done is to set a very clear boundary that she wants no interaction with you. She doesn’t want to be your friend or make small talk or have anything to do with you. Knowing that you keep trying to force an interaction. You trying to force an interaction shows that you have no more respect for her now than you did when you knowingly had an affair with her boyfriend.

    Her behavior isn’t out of hand. It is perfectly acceptable to not be friends with every parent in your child’s class.

    Her going so far as to not invite your daughter to her daughter’s birthday party is nothing compared to you going so far as to have an affair with her boyfriend.

    Just because her life is on track now doesn’t mean she has to like you or trust you or respect you or involve you in her life in even a peripheral way.

    Actions have consequences.

    #734955
    Kate B.
    Kate B.

    HER behavior is out of hand? She didn’t knowlingly and with full awareness of what she was doing sleep with a man who was already with another woman. Frankly, she’s treating you much better than I would. Just seeing you around must cause her pain. She doesn’t owe you anything. Leave her in peace.

    #734959
    avatar
    MissD
    Participant

    This thread has already been posted in the Advice section and received a ton of comments. This is a duplicate.

    #734961
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I wondered why so many of the comments disappeared. I didn’t realize it has been posted twice.

    #734968
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Closing this thread. Please go follow in the advice forum!

    http://dearwendy.com/topic/i-was-the-other-woman-how-do-i-apologize-2/

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Dear Wendy Dear Wendy.
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