Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I’m a Childless Stepmother”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “I’m a Childless Stepmother”

This topic contains 50 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Scooze 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 51 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #682738 Reply
    avatar
    carolann
    Member

    I think she should move on. If she really wants a child of her own and she misses the opportunity it will cause hurt and resentment that will tear them apart eventually anyway.
    You are right, being a step mother is not the same thing. I am a step mother, but my role is not the same as his bio moms.

    #682758 Reply
    avatar
    Morecoffeeplease

    Didn’t you talk about this before getting married? Did he say he wanted a baby with you but then changed his mind? Did you marry him without ever talking about it first? Something is not right here. It is very important to be on the same page about kids BEFORE you marry someone. If you want a baby and he doesn’t it just will not work out…one of you will spend the rest of your life being resentful.

    #683921 Reply
    avatar
    OP

    I am the author of this post. Yes, telling me that we should have discussed this prior to getting married is no help to me now…

    Here is a little more background. First, I don’t know why it says 3 times a week. I think that was some sort of auto correct issue. I’ve been trying to convince him for 3 years. That is what I meant to say.

    Secondly, there are several factors here. He had told me early in our relationship that he would love to have children with me, and I held onto that much longer than I should have. He had a vasectomy. I should have known.

    We had gone to counseling for several different reasons, one being this one. He didn’t want another child, and I was convinced that our marriage was over because I just can’t handle that. The urge is unbelievably strong. Somehow he managed to convince me, and I managed to convince myself, that maybe it was still possible. The counselor put me on antidepressants which made my marriage situation easier to handle. She told me to leave him, that he will never truly care for anyone but himself, especially regarding me. Perhaps that was the wrong thing to do. He hinted and “dangled” the carrot in front of me to keep me around and avoid another uncomfortable confrontation, and all that did was make it worse. I continued to believe what he was telling me, that if he could get a less stressful job, live in a better neighborhood, and I find suitable work too, that we’d be able to do it. Once we accomplished all those things is when I found out it just wasn’t going to happen.

    See… I’m emotionally invested in our marriage, but I cannot stop with this primal need to have a child. And I can’t seem to handle the fact that he simply refuses to help me with it. He’s willing to let me crumble, or walk away, than to give in. Yet I know he shouldn’t have to “give in.” But neither should I.

    The need for a child has morphed into several different things, and the root of it for me, and the reason I am leaving him, is because this is something i need, something that is destroying me, and he is not willing to even try. Because he doesn’t want to be a father again, I don’t ever get to be a mother, and he’s ok with that. The fact that he’s ok with that is what’s destroying me.

    So, I’m ok with leaving and still living my life childless, and possibly alone, because I’d rather be alone than to remain married to someone who is willing to watch me suffer and do nothing about it. I would rather suffer alone.

    Thank you all for your advice. I know what I need to do now.

    #683923 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    When you find that your partner lied to you to keep you in the relationship because you had hit a dealbreaker they have destroyed your relationship. The dealbreaker is still a dealbreaker even if you are married, even if you love them, even if you’ve become the stepmother to their children, even if they get a better job and a better house in a better neighborhood. Now you know he is willing to lie to you to keep you in the relationship. Now you know you can’t trust him. Now you know he is selfish. Now you know the marriage was about meeting his needs but not about meeting your needs. You are right to leave. You will only feel more anger, more contempt and more sense of betrayal as time goes by and you will still want a child. Go and don’t look back.

    #683929 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    I don’t think it follows that he was “lying” to her to keep her in the relationship. A lot of people struggle with these kinds of issues. They go back and forth on it. It’s very possible that he though that once their life together was fine he’d be able to. Many women enter marriage thinking that they’d be OK not having children and then decide it’s a dealbreaker. It doesn’t mean that they were tricking their husbands.

    #683930 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    Did he have the vasectomy before you got married?

    #683931 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    Actually, on second thought it doesn’t really matter.

    #683932 Reply

    I wonder if your desperate need for a child was really your gut telling you to end your marriage with this guy. I’m just curious if you will feel the same aching loneliness once you are done with the relationship?

    #683934 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    Are you saying he had had a vasectomy and lied to you about it? If so, what Skyblossom said.

    #683941 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    I read “I should have known” to mean that she should have known from the fact that he got a vasectomy that he didn’t want kids.

    In any event, regardless of how they got here, this doesn’t sound like a fixable marriage.

    #683943 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    I call it lying because he said he would love to have children with her and then after they were married gave a list of things that had to happen before having kids. He was just buying time before finally having to say he didn’t want kids. Once the list was complete he still didn’t want kids and I think that he was just lying in several different ways. He doesn’t seem to be agonizing over this decision and wavering. He told her what he had to early in the relationship to keep her in the relationship. Then when they were married he used the delaying tactics instead of just being honest at that point. I’d love to know when he had the vasectomy.

    #683944 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    @Fyodor You’re right that it doesn’t really matter at this point when the vasectomy happened. This marriage is over.

    I think he was manipulative because he had a vasectomy but continued to act as if he did want children or was willing to have them when in fact he had definitely made a decision against them. It is hard to come back from that kind of manipulation and I think it was straight manipulation to keep her in the relationship.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 51 total)
Reply To: “I’m a Childless Stepmother”
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.