Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I'm hiding debt from my husband

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This topic contains 109 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 6 days, 21 hours ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 110 total)
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  • #685285 Reply
    Crochet.Ninja
    Crochet.Ninja
    Participant

    stop lying. honestly. I don’t micromanage the money in my house, but if my husband lied to me about his credit card debt, that’s a major issue to me. go to counselling. Sooner than later, it’s just going to snowball.

    and I agree with ousse, if you feel like you have to lie for whatever reason to your spouse, you’re not ready to be married to him or have a baby with him. and yea, we don’t have the whole story here, so maybe you are irresponsible with money – or he could be a huge dick. either way, it’s not a healthy relationship.

    #685286 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I 100% agree with golfergal.

    #685287 Reply
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    Fyodor

    It is interesting to me to see the contrast with the guy who lied about lapdances in his youth.

    That guy, who lied about past behavior from *before he met his GF* was berated as a “coward” who lies to avoid conflict and as fundamentally dishonest. That he hid his past non-repeated behavior to avoid disappointing and angering his fiance was seen as justification to extort the LW to leave him, since only terrible and untrustworthy people would ever lie about anything to avoid their partner getting upset.

    This lady lies and continues to lie to her husband about *present day* financial issues that (A) are very important to him as a value issue and (B) have a direct and significant impact on their marriage and finances. But *here* the fault lies with *him*. When she lies because she’s afraid that he’ll get upset and end the relationship, it’s *his* fault for making her worried about breaking up in response to her continued deception, irresponsibility, and abrogation of values that are very important to him.

    #685288 Reply
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    Northern Star

    The more that comes out, the more I wonder. Shutting down a baby possibility for a year plus now? When did the excessive spending start?

    #685289 Reply
    Portia
    Portia
    Participant

    Yeah, it’s not great to be in debt and you should find whatever resources you can to help you get them under control, like money managers… But like others I’m far more concerned about the fear you have of your husband and the need you feel to lie. I can’t tell if you’re just in a negative feedback loop (for both your finances and your husband’s reactions) and not able to see a way out, or if you should be concerned about your husband (holding grudges is not great for a relationship, and he does seem a little controlling).

    Do you have a job? And because you mention potentially having a child in the future, would you continue to work if you had a child? I think you need to do major work on your relationship before you consider bringing a child into it. Sure kids are expensive, but if you’re planning to stop working and become totally dependent on him for money, this tenancy for him to monitor your finances could make your relationship unsustainable in the future.

    I don’t think it’s necessarily a question of who’s right or wrong here, but you need to get to the bottom of this unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. Bottom line: no one, no matter what they do, should live in fear in their own relationship.

    #685290 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Fyodor, notice how behavior repeats itself: This LW had money troubles in the past. Her husband was aware (I gather) and married her anyway. And now it comes back around again.

    Lap dance GF doesn’t want to be in this position.

    #685294 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Fyodor I think it has a lot more to do with who wrote in than the sexes involved. If the strip club guy had written in asking how to come back from the lie and describing a punitive relationship I’m pretty sure the advice would have been very different.

    #685295 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    To me, the difference here is she isn’t lying simply to avoid upsetting her husband. Her husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and is going to make her life miserable when she comes clean.
    If you’ve never had a verbally and emotionally abusive partner then it may seem similar, but i can tell you from experience it’s not. They live for your fuck ups so they can hammer away at you even harder and cut you down even more, and it’s even better because you “deserve” it. If she was married to a man who treated her well and was loving my advice would be completely different and I would come down harder on the LW. But she doesnt deserve what’s in store for her when she fesses up and she needs to know that.

    #685301 Reply
    avatar
    Ron

    Husband is reacting to his brother’s situation and possibly the way both of them were raised, with frugality as a primary value and debt as the agent of the Devil. It sounds like, at least financially, the LW and her husband are not compatible, which is likely why they have separate finances. Personally, I can’t see the point in separate finances for a married couple, especially one a decade into marriage. Marriage is about combined lives, combined finances, combined responsibilities. If you are unwilling to combine finances, why not just live together as singles? As somebody else mentioned, the law isn’t that big on separate finances and the debt of one becomes the debt of the other. Also strange home is in just one name.

    Knowing that the husband has a deal-breaker which might lead to divorce does not make him emotionally abusive, for that alone. A red line deal-breaker may not make much sense to the rest of the world, but is real to that person. This may be more of an issue to him than adultery would be. We all have our own priorities. Or, she may be totally over-estimating his reaction.

    Definitely not ready for a baby. Joint financial counseling to see if you can get on the same page about money and be more transparent with each other.

    Holding grudges forever and recycling arguments isn’t a good thing, but perhaps this particular issue of the recycling debt keeps being brought up by him, because he knows LW is lying, as she suspects he does, and keeps giving her chances to come clean. I don’t see why this guy gets less sympathy that the LW who doesn’t know if she can go on in her relationship because of the dishonesty about strip clubs or the many who can’t get past the dishonesty about denying porn watching.

    LW is in lie mode to the extent of something less than $4K at this moment in time. Perhaps her husband fears it’s ten times that big and that he will be left on the hook for this, as his brother was.

    #685303 Reply
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    Katie

    I know we (or me based on how your statement was phrased) don’t need a child right now. I also know we need counseling, but when I have brought it up in the past, I was told we couldn’t afford it. Now since this has to do with money, I’m pretty sure his answer will be the same.
    The house is in my name because he has a $10000 settlement on his credit. This was here before we got married, and from what he told me, is fraudulent activity done on his account by his brother. His name is still not on our house.
    Last time he brought up the $2000 from him, and I told him that I had said I was sorry, and that if he needed the money back I would figure it out. I was told that he was kidding with me, and I need to stop being so sensitive. Then he gets frustrated with me. Last night when he asked me about my balances (and I lied) he rolled his eyes said that he was annoyed. I asked if there was anything I could do to help, and I got told that I would just get mad if he told me so forget it. Left this morning without even speaking to me.
    I guess this discussion can’t be put off. I will tell him tonight.

    #685305 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Nobody in this thread has advised the LW to continue happily lying. She’s been advised to tell the truth, seek counseling if her SO chooses to leave, and not to stay in a relationship that makes her fearful.

    Same would apply to lap dance GF’s boyfriend, if he wrote in.

    #685306 Reply
    avatar
    Katie

    I take responsibility for this. He didn’t run the cards up, I did.

    I work 50 hours a week. He was out of work for almost a year, but never asked anything additional from me. So when this came up in Feb. he said that he didn’t understand why I didn’t come to him sooner. When I told him I was worried about his reaction, and also that I thought I could handle it. I pay everything on time. Nothing has gone unpaid, or late for that matter. He is more upset when interest starts accruing.

    I get it, he wants good credit, maybe we are not right for each other.

    Thank you for the advice/opinions. I will talk to him.

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