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I'm hiding debt from my husband

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This topic contains 109 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 2 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 110 total)
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  • #685307 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Believe me @fyodor, I’m rolling my eyes at every response that claims he’s abusive. She made a few comments that he’d hold it over her head…that’s hardly abuse, IMO. Especially, when your wife has $6,000 worth of debt she’s been lying to you about since February or longer. Tell me how that is abuse.
    She is hiding debt, lying and creating monumental trust issues in her relationship. But sure, he’s abusive. she doesn’t say he yells, berates, criticizes, demeans. Where’s the abuse?
    He’s frugal. He’s still recovering from a $10,000 settlement, so obviously debt is a touchy subject.
    This is a giant deal. You’ve been lying for months, maybe even longer. Come clean. If your marriage ends, you had a really big impact on that.

    #685308 Reply
    Moneypenny
    Moneypenny
    Participant

    Yikes. It sounds like you guys really need to have an honest talk with each other. He also sounds pretty passive aggressive. Yes, you messed up and accrued debt. Yes, you regret it. But you’re working to pay it off asap, and pay him back what you owe him. Maybe you need to set up a “payment plan” where you pay a little bit of the $2k you owe him a month- even if it’s $25- just to give the assurance that you’re working on it. (I am doing this with my parents right now- I pay them $100 a month to pay back some money they loaned me and they are fine with it.)
    It worries me how scared you are of him and how he’ll react. Does he realize this? (Does he even care?) Sounds like you both need to be honest with each other and clear the air.

    #685309 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    Again, none of this is normal. You express feelings of hurt at his comments and rather than listening to you and respecting you, he refuses to take responsibility and makes it your fault for being “too sensitive”. This also leaves him free to repeat the behavior even though he knows it hurts you. Giving your partner the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. When he says you can’t afford counselling it is him making up an excuse so he doesnt have to go. Going will mean his terrible behavior will be brought to light and he’ll be asked to change it. Why do that when he can avoid it and make the fact that he’s avoiding it your fault?

    When you talk to him tonight you need to ask him for counselling again, and when he says no you say that regardless of the cost you’re going with or without him. Then follow through. Please get into counselling, his behavior is not ok and you dont deserve to live this way, even if you screw up sometimes. He’s using money as the reason to avoid therapy and the baby talk because he wants things to stay exactly as they are. I encourage you to leave this marriage asap.

    #685311 Reply
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    Northern Star

    He can afford to “lend” you 2000, but he can’t afford counseling? Who pays for your home, shared bills, etc.? So many questions spring to mind as you post.

    #685312 Reply
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    Fyodor

    “Again, none of this is normal. You express feelings of hurt at his comments and rather than listening to you and respecting you, he refuses to take responsibility and makes it your fault for being “too sensitive”. This also leaves him free to repeat the behavior even though he knows it hurts you.”

    This is insane. It hurts her that he is suspicious about the false things she’s saying to him? She’s basically gaslighting him. He knows something’s up and she’s making the issue about *her* insult over his justified suspicions not, her ongoing lies to him.

    #685313 Reply
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    Fyodor

    It’s like if I were having an affair and my wife kept asking questions about where I was going and why I was out so late and everyone said that she was controlling and abusive because well, er, if I wasn’t having an affair that level of questioning would be *so hurtful*!

    #685318 Reply
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    Heather

    I’m with @golfer.gal. This LW husband is on the emotional abusive side.

    #685326 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    What’s really unusual here is that you’re thinking your husband will leave you over, or hold over your head forever, a $6,000 credit card debt. After 10 years together. And you’re jumping to “maybe we’re not right for each other.”

    I think those are really odd reactions: 1) for you to go there in your head, and 2) if that’s really what he’d do. Something foundational is wrong here, right? In a healthy marriage, this would for sure be a problem, and something to come clean about and talk through and solve. And you’d be forgiven and you’d make sure you didn’t make those mistakes again. I mean, right?

    You should sit him down and come clean with him, fill him in on what the situation is and how it happened, and apologize for taking his “loan” without being honest about the extent of your debt. Let him know how you plan to pay it off, and what you’ll do differently to avoid this happening again. And ask him what you can do to rebuild trust.

    And I’d expect him to be annoyed that you ran up that much debt and mad that you lied, but I’d also expect him to *get over it* in some reasonable period of time. This is a marriage and a 10-year relationship. You made mistakes. This is a betrayal but not an unrecoverable one. If he’s going to leave you over this or hold it over your head forever, something was really wrong to begin with.

    #685327 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    LOL.

    #685332 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    The reason I find this troubling is because the reaction this LW thinks she’ll receive… divorce or her husband holding this over her head indefinitely… is not proportional to the grievance.

    Yes, 6k is a lot of credit card debt, but not insurmountable. With some careful planning, it can be paid off less than two years.

    Maybe it isn’t abuse, but they have some serious issues and they desperately need couples counseling.

    #685339 Reply
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    Ron

    Well, that really is not abuse and lying because you think the truth will cause your spouse to divorce you is rarely accepted as an excuse here, let alone making one the victim of abuse. Financial ‘cheating’ is very big to this guy, because he has personal experience, both of his brother wrecking his credit while cheating him of $10K and of his brother’s wife both leaving him and leaving him with a huge debt over deficit spending she hid from her husband. So it is not totally strange that this guy takes financial cheating very seriously — more seriously than perhaps we would. Also, he knows she is lying to him. LW says she is making progress on slowly reducing her credit card debt, but husband doesn’t know this. He knows that she has made zero progress on paying back his loan.

    We won’t know until LW actually speaks to her husband whether or not he is unreasonable or whether or not he leaves her. She obviously is afraid of the result, because she knows she has broken her husband’s deal-breaker. It’s now up to him to decide whether it really was a deal-breaker or the marriage is more important to him. I suspect he’ll choose the marriage.

    He is in a very precarious position with their home in her name only. I see this guy as vulnerable. I don’t see him as abusive. When he was unemployed and hurting financially, he didn’t ask for her help and she didn’t offer it. When she mentioned her problem, he immediately helped her. He probably is wondering why he has yet to see $1 of the money back. She hid the other $4K of debt and then set the priority as secretly lowering her credit card balance. She is stiffing him in the process. To her, this makes sense. To him, it doesn’t. She has controlled the flow of information.

    #685344 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Yeah, no one told the strip club lady that she needed to get over her boyfriend’s deception about behavior from before the relationship that has not been repeated. In fact she was mocked for remaining committed to the relationship. People said things like “well if he’s lied to you about this one thing how do you know that he hasn’t lied about EVERYTHING?”

    Yet it’s outrageous that this guy, who has previously been the victim of financial fraud would reconsider his marriage after being lied to over and over again about a serious financial issue? It is in fact so outrageous that the fact that she is worried about it means that HE is abusive!Shouldn’t he have doubts about whether he could trust his wife if she is so willing to lie to him on a ongoing basis about their financial problems? It’s abusive of him to want to put off having a baby with her under these circumstances?

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