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Dear Wendy

“I’m Offered to Host a Baby Shower and the Mom-to-Be is Making Me Crazy”

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This topic contains 18 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ashley 5 months ago.

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  • #676850 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    From a LW:

    Hoping you can offer advice on how to handle baby shower dilemma?

    I’m helping host a baby shower that’s now a week out & I feel like mom to be taking control of shower & being inconsiderate of her guest’s convenience, comfort & enjoyment. I also feel I’m seeing a different side of this girl that I never knew she had; a bit entitled, selfish, unappreciative. Hoping this is all due to a combination of me overreacting & her mommy hormones & am asking for advice on how to approach this?

    Here is how I got to this point- Stepped up to help host baby shower for close friend’s daughter who I have become close with as well. The MTB (mom to be) decided at 5 months pregnant since no 1 had mentioned “baby shower” she wasn’t “getting one”. Without checking with anyone, (her mom had actually started planning one), on February 1st she posted on Facebook (FB) that “she – MTB was hosting her own shower on Friday, 03/17/17, 2:00 PM, in Caroline county, but no specific address.

    I called her when I saw the FB post. She expressed that it was getting late in her pregnancy & she was worried about “no shower” as she needed to make certain she gets everything she needs before baby is born, (They are a young, recently married, struggling couple with small income).

    I offered to help with shower & also gave her $250 to rent out the clubhouse in her private community for the shower. She told me Feb 18th, clubhouse is reserved for something else so we can’t have it there. Her mother & I started looking at renting community centers in Fredericksburg, which is 25-30 miles from her house but MTB refuses to have it in Fredericksburg; doesn’t want shower far from her house – doesn’t want to have to “tote” anything far. Her mother & I told her she won’t have to – just needs to show up but she refuses to come to a baby shower that she considers too far away.

    She lives in rural area without much around but I spent days searching for a venue & found a church 14 miles from MTB’s house with kitchen, hall & pavilion that they’re willing to let us use for shower, FOR FREE & will also allow alcoholic punch. MTB & DTB, (dad to be), baby shower is coed, both told me early on that the shower guests “will” be having alcohol. But MTB refuses to have it at the church.

    Now she insists on having shower at her small house. I expressed to her my concerns of: parking, enough room for guests in her house & possible septic tank issues with that many people using 2 toilets. There is also no parking allowed on her street & her driveway can only fit 3 cars. She insists it will be fine & finally admitted she wants it at her home so people come see the “new” house they bought. She also doesn’t want much of any decorations since she wants everyone to have a good view of the house inside.

    She has invited 40 FB friends but only 15 have committed to coming with 10 undecided & we’re a week out from the shower. 7 responded “not coming with regrets”; but understandably, since a weekday afternoon is not a convenient time for most to attend a baby shower or any party for that matter.

    As soon as MTB 1st posted her FB shower announcement people began expressing to her their surprise if not dissatisfaction with the inconvenient time. She has reacted rather arrogantly. She adamantly refuses to budge with the time she set even by 2 hours later in the day. MTB has surprised me with her almost defiant attitude as well as her sense of entitlement that so many people should be greatly put out to bring her a gift at her convenience.
    Both her mother & I expressed concerns to MTB about a baby shower on a weekday afternoon when people have to work. I immediately let MTB know that getting Fridays off at my job is difficult to impossible. I won’t know if granted off until the day before. She showed no concern – said “it has to be then”, “its best time for her & her 3 dearest friends”. She, “only cares that they’ll be there, they’re who really matter”. Only 1 of her 3 friends has offered any help with the shower.

    I have been trying my best to get what I can prepared early for the shower on my weekends off – especially since no guarantee my employer will give me off , so I might not be able to get there until after done working that Friday. I’m a train conductor & work MON-FRI, 4AM till 7PM. I have frozen the crab dip which I promised to make so if I’m not there MTB’s mother just has to warm it up.

    More of my concerns as a host to this shower: After my many requests to MTB she 1) has still never given me a guest list or # of children coming. 2) I am in charge of decorations. She wants a Safari theme but still hasn’t answered if blue/gold colors OK or what colors her cake is, (she’s insisting on making that herself). 3) I never got requested contact list for invitations from her (says they don’t do “that” in her family- they just send out word of mouth that there’s a party & people just show up). 4) When tried to talk to her about planning how to arrange her house to fit people & food – she did not want to discuss, said I’m stressing too much. The only room for shower guests will be in her living room which has seating for 7 but also has a treadmill & weight bench in it. 5) She is not concerned that her grandmother & many of her relatives probably won’t be able to come as have understandable time issues with making it on a weekday at 2PM – insists they just don’t want “to come all the way out there, (35-40 miles to MTB’s house)”.

    When I begged MTB in an email for help to get invitations to guests she responded that, “she doesn’t have time for that right now”. I finally just went ahead & designed shower invitations with her1 friend, her mom & I as the hosts 7 offered myself as a contact. I took the liberty of attaching this invite to the FB shower group she had created when she 1st posted that she was giving herself a baby shower. I was able to give actual physical invitations to her mom’s friends.

    I would also like opinions on her added posts on her shower FB group saying: “Don’t bring diapers”; “Please bring a book as we are having a book raffle”, “Registered at Target – here’s the link if you want ideas for gifts”. Some of what she said here is a little off-putting to me & I think possibly to others as well. Only one of the 152 items on her Target Registry has been purchased by anyone.

    At this point I feel very frustrated & am regretting my decision. It’s perplexing that the MTB has been so demanding on planning her shower’s exact time & location to the exclusion of accommodating all but 3 people but then refuses to discuss any other details about planning the day. If I ask anything she shows no concern saying, “I just want the gifts”.

    The shower is now a week out; please tell me if I’m over-reacting to MTB’s lack of concern about her guests convenience, parking and seating situation: I haven’t given guests any information on how to get thru her neighborhoods private gate or where to park. She just keeps saying they can park in her yard & in a parking lot that she says isn’t too far from her house but hasn’t offered any other instruction. I feel this could turn into an uncomfortable situation for all. Me, personally, would like people to feel that they can come & go easily; not have to find out who has them parked in or walk a ways to their car or try & find a ride to their car, especially after they also had to wait in line to get approved on entering at the private gate. MTB is also not worried about where people will sit saying, ” there will probably only be about 20 people anyway”. If you add the 4 chairs from her 5X10 kitchen, that makes seating for 11. She keeps talking about some of the people sitting outside. But I feel that is presumptuous without prior notice. We’re also only supposed to hit a high of 50 degrees at 2:00 PM that day with temps continuing to drop to a low of 32.

    Lastly, she has not said anything about returning the $250 I gave her earlier to rent the clubhouse. I haven’t seen her in person this last week & she hasn’t responded to my last email. I decided to approach the $$$ issue in a text saying that those $$ can be used for food or if she wants to buy a canopy or rent heaters for outside. I have received no response to this text as well.

    Thank you so much for reading – know it’s late in the game but any advice on how to handle this would be so appreciated,

    #676852 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    You’re stressing out about this WAYYYYYY more than you need to. Tell the MTB and your friend, her mom, that you’re very sorry but you’ve just found out that you won’t be able to get off work that Friday and to please use the $250 you’ve already contributed towards creating the shower they’re envisioning. The end.

    #676853 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    Also, I’m wondering if you see anyone or taking anything for anxiety? If not, maybe it’s time to talk to your doctor?

    #676859 Reply

    Wendy, I can’t believe you made it to the end of that.

    Seriously – you’ve done what you can. Consider the $250 a gift and wash your hands of the whole thing. (And consider it karma that the MTB won’t receive much for the new baby, since she is having a shower on a weekday. Who does that?)

    #676865 Reply

    My thoughts exactly. Consider the $250 a gift to buy the gifts she won’t get because she’s planning the party in the middle of a weekday (What?!?).

    Here’s what you don’t have to do: Anything else. The MTB clearly has no idea that her pregnancy is not as important to everyone else as it is to her. If she wants people to come to her house and give her gifts the first thing she should have done is make it easy for everyone else.

    She’ll have a hissy fit when no one shows up and no one brings gifts. All you can do is say something along the lines of “Well, I guess they really don’t like you enough to take a day off from work. Oh well”*

    * I’m kidding, but only a little. I really wish you could say this to her.

    #676866 Reply
    Northern Star

    Man, I don’t understand EITHER of you. Spending $250 to rent a hall for a simple baby shower is CRAZY for someone who is struggling financially. What in the world are you thinking?

    You’re trying to force a fancy baby shower on a woman who doesn’t want one. She wants friends to show up at her new house for an afternoon, eat some food, give a gift, and leave. You didn’t need to make an invitation. You don’t need to stress about food (an afternoon shower = crackers and cheese, chips and dip, fruit, and punch, cheap beer if necessary. Done). She doesn’t care about decorations—DON’T MAKE DECORATIONS. You don’t need to make sure “more” people show up, if she’s content with the few she thinks will attend. Sure, her plans are inconvenient and callous, and maybe very few people will come. But sounds like she’s trying to do this on the cheap, and you keep running in with ideas to jack up party costs.

    Stop worrying about this, don’t go if you can’t make it, and move on with your life. Let her mother deal with her.

    #676867 Reply

    No. No. No. Just no. There is simply no way to make this work within the insane rules she’s set up for it. Anyway, she doesn’t want a shower, she wants people to troop out to her house so she can show it off, and bring her presents. Actually, she just wants people to buy her all the baby stuff she needs. She doesn’t even care if they show up.

    This isn’t someone I’d want to be friends with. I’d just tell her and her mother that you won’t be able to attend because of work, and tell them they can keep the $250. If you lose their friendship over this selfish, greedy nonsense, is it really that much of a loss?

    #676873 Reply

    What is most ridiculous is that her goal is a gift grab but she refuses to have it when people can attend and therefore BRING A GIFT.

    She sounds mentally unstable.

    #676875 Reply

    Yeah, I think you’re overreacting in the sense that it’s not your problem, it’s theirs. Let them figure it all out. It’s not your job to help them when they won’t let you.

    #676880 Reply

    Why did you even offer her a shower?
    I’d ask her mother for the deposit back, honestly.

    #676884 Reply

    So the good news is, you really aren’t hosting this shower. You offered to host a shower, you tried your best to. But the mom to be is hosting a multipurpose baby shower/housewarming for a small number of friends on a weekday afternoon, and she has done all the planning for the food and decor she wants. At this point you can let it go and take a big step back.

    Dont worry about the decor, cake, gifts, seating, etc. As a type A person with undiagnosed ocd (it runs strongly in my family and I know I have the traits) I totally get it, and you may also be worried about your friendship with the woman’s mom. But at this point I agree with Wendy. Consider the $250 a gift, save your vacation day for another use, and wash your hands of it. Tell them you can’t make it and wish her all the best. She sounds really selfish and out of touch, so if she gets upset or complains about you, or the shower, or the lack of people/gifts/seating/whatever, you have to assume she was going to do that even if you gave her the perfect shower.

    #676885 Reply

    The MTB does sound difficult (to put it nicely), but you are way way way overly invested in this. She wants to throw herself a shower at her own house with a few of her closest friends. Whatever you and her mom were planning became irrelevant as soon as she announced she was giving herself a shower. Yes, it’s tacky of the MTB, but it’s also not your problem. I have no idea why you made up invitations listing yourself as a point of contact. You are not the host of this event.

    This is good news! You don’t need to worry about invitations, parking, seating, decorations, food, or anything else. If the MTB or her mom asks you to make your super special crab dip, consider doing it as a favor for your friend. Otherwise, accept that her unwillingness to discuss contact lists, cake colors, canopy rentals, and pretty much everything else with you means she doesn’t want your help. You are off the hook! Yay!

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