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Dear Wendy

In desperate guidance / advice. Please read

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar _s_ 1 month ago.

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  • #729378 Reply
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    Val

    I can’t speak to a therapist, I can’t speak to my mother, and speaking to my best friend doesn’t really find me a solution…Please help me. The following is the backstory to the root of the problem in order for you all to understand me. Growing up I was a very timid child, still am to a certain extent. Didn’t speak until I was 4 and was very anti-social all through grade school. I was about 12/13 yrs old when my guardian began to sexually abuse me. I was never raped but always thought I would. It continued for years. I never had the courage to speak up, and when I did I was shut down. I always wondered how no one could notice. I once told my brother and stopped him from doing anything because I knew our family, lifestyle, and future would deteriorate. My mother has never worked, and we all solely depend on him. We live a good lifestyle and have progressed over the years. In my eyes, my silence was a sacrifice I was willing to make.At times I thought I made peace with my nightmares and monster but I didn’t. I cant say anything. 3 Years ago I was sexually assaulted in the workplace… I sued. I received compensation and gave the money to my guardian to launch a business to continue a better lifestyle and provide for my family. And it does. As I grow up I realize more and more my inner struggles. Growing up I couldn’t have a boyfriend. I told him once and that tore him apart because he couldn’t save me. Anyone I bring into my life he has never really liked to be fair.I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Its so random and periodically sometimes worse than other times but I manage internally. I am now 20 as of a week ago, and growing up and still, now he expects me to ask for permission and let him know where I am at all times. I understand safety or whatever his reasoning. But inner me hates that, hates reporting to him, hates asking for permission ( always took me to cry to get a yes and go out) because I see the person that hurt me, mentally fucked me up for so many years, made me cry myself to sleep, dreaded nights to come. I feel more entitled to speak up and stand for what I want to do now that I have turned 20. I recently engaged in a relationship and he lives out of the country( yes I have met him know about him and we have traveled together, no my guardian doesn’t know much) My flight is booked for Dec 20th. My mother knows, shes always supported and trusted me but on the other hand, he has not. Recently I blew up and confronted him about permissions and going out. I went out twice without his permissions and the tensions were real. I feel I have the right to go out if I haven’t done anything wrong, I am a good person and student. He didn’t talk to me or vise versa and he kept stating it was his house and his rules. I haven’t gone out but my trip is approaching and I plan on boarding that plane. My mother says I should ask out of respect, she just doesn’t understand my reasoning, my feelings, my exhaustion, my depression and my inner battle with him. How do I “ask for permission” If I still plan on going whether he says yes or no? I didn’t say anything earlier because like always whether its a permission I want or anything it’ll be scrutinization until I leave. My PTSD / depression came back after constantly fighting and arguing these past few days so I couldn’t even fathom the thought of another argument of me leaving out of the country in 4 days time with my best friend and to the place where he knows my bf lives. I need help telling / notifying him about the trip. Am I wrong to think the way I do? No one understands my reasoning for my recent “rebellion-act ups” or actions overall because no one knows the real story. You all know, please help me.

    I appreciate you all wholeheartedly in advance.

    #729379 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Why are you not seeing a therapist?

    #729382 Reply
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    Val

    if I were to say something when I was a minor, legal action would be taken. I don’t think much can happen now but at the moment I am searching for one.

    #729383 Reply
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    Steph

    You’re 20 years old, an adult. You can go wherever you want when you want. It’s your decision to make. Board that plane and enjoy yourself.

    Many people see therapists for childhood abuse. You’re not a minor anymore…I don’t believe they can report anything unless you’re a danger to yourself or others. I highly recommend you seek therapy as soon as you get home.

    #729393 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member
    #729396 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    How were you diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety then? This whole thing just… I don’t follow.

    Anyway. No, don’t ask permission to go visit your boyfriend from the guy who sexually abused you and is still your guardian at 20 and you know he’ll say no.

    Your priority really should be getting therapy, getting out on your own, distancing yourself from your “family,” and being well, but hey. Do what you want.

    #729398 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Do you live in a country where therapy isn’t confidential or where people file police reports on your behalf without your willingness? I don’t really know a place where that is true, but if so, please let us know.

    Anyway, don’t ask for permission. The fact that you’re feeling obligated to do so when it’s a supremely bad idea is sort of a reason that you need to find a way to see a therapist.

    #729399 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s the United States.

    #729400 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Oh, geez. Uh, yeah, an adult telling a therapist they were abused doesn’t result in legal action. What you tell them is confidential. If you were currently a minor, it would be different. I have a couple of friends who see therapists for that reason. Nobody is hauling them into a court to go after the abuser.

    Not sure where you got that from. You definitely CAN go to therapy.

    #729404 Reply
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    val

    3 years ago, I was seeing a therapist for the sexual assault in the workplace. That’s how I was diagnosed. I never really found out what the confidentiality terms are when it comes to this now, so as I said I am looking for one. Anyways, regarding perspective…am I wrong? Am I suppose to see this a different way?

    #729412 Reply
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    Yammy

    I can understand why you made the choices you made, but now that you’re an adult, you need to get away from this guy, whom you ironically refer to as your guardian. There is a very sick dynamic between the two of you, even if he is no longer sexually abusing you (likely because you are no longer a child and this guy sounds like a pedophile, so he’s now probably abusing some other little girl). You’ve got to get away from him, the when and how of it I can’t say, but you need to set in it your mind and start formulating a plan. I think a therapist could probably help you with that. There are also confidential hotlines that you call too. You have got to get away from this guy.

    #729452 Reply
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    Ruby Thursday

    In almost all situations, anything you disclose to a mental health professional must be kept confidential. There are exceptions for people who are minors at the time they disclose a crime or for people reporting an imminent threat of harm to self or others. Because you are an adult and are not discussing a current crime that might lead to serious bodily injury or death, your therapist would likely be bound by the law to keep anything you say confidential.

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