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Dear Wendy

Is he too old to be my man??

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This topic contains 30 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Sarah 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #728609 Reply
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    Tierra Michelle

    About 4 months ago, I was at the mall buying my cousin a gift for her birthday and I met this guy. We were waiting in line together and we just started talking. He asked me for my number and I gave it to him which is something I don’t typically do. He was obviously older than me but it wasn’t until we talked on the phone I realized how old he actually was. I’m 22, and when I met him I thought he was around 30 at the most maybe 33. But hes actually 43, lol! He has a really nice body, a good job and is divorced with 2 teenage ( I have met his son but not his daughter…). Like I said we have been talking and dating for a few months now and he is just so sweet and caring. Things between us get so steamy and hot and I believe that he truly is the love of my life. The problem is I have been kind of “sneaking” around with him. My parents ( who I still live with) and my family have no idea he exist. They know that I have been spending time with someone but they don’t know who exactly and they damn sure don’t know his age. I’m so scared for them to find out. I already know my dad will be so pissed and not go for me being with a guy that is a couple of years younger than him! But I love him so much…..He is such an amazing guy and everything is perfect. We plan on moving in together, so I know eventually my family will meet him. I’m not sure how to go about it. He says he wants to meet my folks but he just doesn’t know how it will go and neither do I. I guess I’m scaring him cause I’m scared. What do I do?? Just say forget it and let them meet, keep him a secret until they find out, or what. I just don’t know how to go about this but I know I love him and he will be in my life regardless

    #728617 Reply
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    Brise

    4 months is not enough to say he is “the love of your life”. It takes longer to get to know really someone, and I am pretty sure it won’t be him, the love of your life, because you are not peers. Why are you in such a rush? Why do you want to live with a boyfriend of 4 months, this is way too soon for any new couple? You hardly know him yet. Do you really want to face, in your early twenties, the dynamic of a family, with teenagers? Why? Date him in a distance as long as it makes sense for you, but remain free.
    Your parents want what is good for you. So if you anticipate such a negative reaction, there is perhaps something not so great in this match, don’t you think? The age gap makes you afraid, and your fear of your parents doesn’t seem very mature, for someone who wants to live like a 43 years old. You are afraid and you rush forwards. It seems so easy for him to catch your attention, just too easy, how you fell for him! Anyway, love has no age, but it is wise to really take some time to get to know any man you are dating. And if you are 22, then enjoy your freedom, focus on your studies, your career, your experiences of the world, remain open to other encounters. You are young, make the most of it. So my advice would be: slow down. Remain free. Observe. Don’t rush. And make decision according to what is best for you, you only.

    #728619 Reply
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    TheHizzy

    If you’re 22 and you feel adult enough to be in this relationship with someone 22 years older than you, then you are adult enough to tell your parents. And he being 43 is definitely adult enough to handle that conversation. If not, then you’re both too immature. You need to have a conversation with your parents if it’s important for them to know.

    #728623 Reply

    I’m just going to say it. 🙂
    He really is too old for you. Sure go ahead and enjoy the sex & fun but he’s not the ‘love of your life’. He’s an old dude, who’s dating a young exciting chick. Nothing more– nothing less. But for the love of God, do NOT get pregnant by him. Use protection!

    Honestly, it’s probably about fun for him too. He’s probably not as serious as you think. He’s recently divorced, so he’s trying to cram in the fun and sex that he may have missed during the rough years of his marriage. A LOT of middle aged guys do this, date a young hot chick to prove that they still have it after years of being an old married dude.

    Have fun then move on!

    #728624 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I don’t think that he’s necessarily playing with her. A lot of men do marry much younger women. I think it’s a very bad idea, but a lot of these guys that pursue younger women are interested in something serious. They like the power dynamic.They see it as a way to have a second chance at a “new” marriage. It is unwise and immature, but from the men I know who have done these things I wouldn’t assume that he’s just trying to hook up.

    #728626 Reply
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    Fyodor

    LW here are some things to think about.

    1. If you are not mature enough to confront your parents you are not mature enough to live with a romantic partner or be a stepparent.

    2. You are going through a time in your life when your worldview is going to change a lot. Consider taking things slowly rather than making any permanent decisions.

    3. Many of the things that appeal to him about you such as his comparative maturity relative to men your age, the chance to be in an adult relationship away from your parents, etc, are temporary and aren’t going to be the foundation of a long term relationship.

    4. Many of the things that appeal to you about him such as the power dynamic of dating a much younger person, etc, are going to change. You are going to change.

    5. Do you want to have a family with someone who is going to be in his late 40s (at the earliest) by the time you have kids.

    6. Are you ready to be a stepparent to teenagers?

    7. Even ignoring everything else, four months is very early to know if someone is the love of your life and whether you’ll be a good long term match, which makes me think that the stuff in #3 is influencing you unduly.

    I would recommend taking things slowly. Move out of the house and have roommates for a year or two. Cultivate and independent life and see how he fits in that and how you fit in his life.

    #728627 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    At 22, dating someone who is almost twice your age is a red flag. A 43-year-old and a 22-year-old (who still lives at home, no less) are almost surely in different places in life. I’ve been hit on by men who are around my dad’s age and to be honest, I find it weird; you’re close in age to his teenage kids, it sounds like he’s close in age to your dad, and I’m unsure how that doesn’t creep either of you out.

    Anyway, I’m with @thehizzy here. If you’re too immature to tell your parents who you’re dating, you’re too immature to be in a relationship with someone so much more your senior. TBH, your reaction makes me think you KNOW there’s something weird about it.

    Also, I find it irritating when people under the age of, like, I dunno, 50 or people who haven’t been dating long use the phrase “love of my life.”

    #728629 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    People tend to date someone who has the same general level of maturity. It is a bad sign when you have a 22 year age difference and yet you match. He has 25 years of adult life experience compared to your 4 years of adult life experience. Think about how his 25 years is somehow a match to your 4 years and wonder what happened to his growth as an adult.

    The two of you will never be at the same point in life. He already has teenagers and you are barely out of your teen years. You should have more in common with his kids than with him. He could be looking at early retirement just as you are beginning to advance in your career. Lots of people start having serious health problems in their 50s. Do you want to spend your 30s driving a man to health appointments for things like knee replacement surgery and to see the doctor about his rotator cuff or worry about his adult onset diabetes. Do you want to take that on two decades earlier than necessary?

    I suggest you use excellent birth control and let the relationship run its course. You will love him until you don’t and then you will move on just like you would if he was your age. Most relationships start great but they don’t last. This one likely won’t either.

    #728630 Reply
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    Vathena

    Girl, pump the brakes! You SHOULD NOT move in with ANYONE you’ve been dating for four months, ever, period. And most especially not when there are kids involved! I also don’t think that anyone should move in with their significant other directly from their parents’ home without getting a taste of independence first. Move out on your own or with roommates, and get a handle on paying your own bills and coming and going as you please, with no one to answer to. If you are really in it for the long haul with this guy, there is no rush. Wait and get to know each other for a couple of years, then talk about moving in.

    I like the general rule of “half plus seven” for the age range with the least creep factor. For example, your bf could date someone who was 28-29, or you could date a 30-year-old, without it being weird. So you’re definitely outside of that range. My husband is 13 years older than I am; but we started dating when he was 39 and I was 26, so we were just barely in the range. BUT, I had been living independently for 5 years, had a job and a 401(k) and paid my electric bill and shit. We dated for 2 years before moving in together. Now he’s 50(?!) and I’m 37, so we’re well within the range.

    So I’m not saying he’s not the guy for you, but if he IS the guy for you, there is no good reason to rush things. Also, if you are scared to tell your parents, you’re not ready to get life-partner serious with him. (I told my mom my now-husband’s age after we’d been dating just a couple weeks. She didn’t react well, but that was her issue, and it didn’t affect me because I was an independent adult. FTR, she loves him now!)

    #728632 Reply

    but a lot of these guys that pursue younger women are interested in something serious. They like the power dynamic.

    But isn’t that playing her tho? He’s using the power dynamic to his advantage. That’s how the game works. He’s ‘serious’ enough that he gets what he wants. It doesn’t mean he’s going to dump her, it just means that he always manuevers the situation to benefit him.

    I’ve seen this dynamic a couple of times in real life. What invariably happens is that the woman matures and wants to go into a different direction but the guy tightens control because he doesn’t want her to leave or outgrow him. There maybe some infidelity, and eventually a divorce.

    #728634 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I still think it’s kinda suspect when 30-year-olds date 22-year-olds, at least enough to make me raise an eyebrow. At that point it’s not an age difference issue. So many 22-year-olds have very little “real-life” experience under their belts. Many still live at home, and are still finishing school. Even a 30-year-old would (and dare I say, SHOULD) probably be in a significantly date life stage, imo.

    #728635 Reply
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    SweetT
    Member

    I have a little bit of experience with this. When I was 18, I dated a 27 year old guy. He was very sweet and nice and that attracted me to him. But our life experiences and where we were in life really showed through after about 4 months. He wanted to get married and have a family while I couldn’t legally get in to a bar in our state. We broke up and he married a single mom who was 23. They are still happily married to this day.

    When I was 30, I started dating after divorcing my husband. I met a guy that was 43. He was great, smart and we had great conversations. We dated off and on for a yr. He had a hard time accepting my age as I look much younger than my age. Most ppl thought I was 22 – 23 and it creeped him out. I broke it off with him and we stayed good friends. BTW, when I see him now all I see is that he wears old man dad jeans 🙂

    While to a point age doesn’t matter, life experience does. For all of us that tell you his age is too much, someone will come in and tell their happily after with someone that is 20+ yrs older than them.

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