Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Is he too old to be my man??

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This topic contains 30 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Sarah 1 week, 2 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 31 total)
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  • #728636 Reply
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    Vathena

    Also, your parents may not like the idea at all, but they are a lot more likely to come around eventually if you say, “John and I really care for each other, he makes me laugh, he’s honest and trustworthy, he’s intelligent and gainfully employed, he’s not an alcoholic or a drug addict, he respects me and treats me as an equal partner, he’s a responsible and caring dad to his kids, and we are enjoying taking things slowly and getting to know one another, OH and btw he’s 43.”

    Contrast that to, “This is John, he’s 43 and I barely know him, he’s divorced with two teenagers, one of whom I’ve never met, and we’re moving in together.”

    Which do you think is going to go over better? As an adult, you can do what you want, but if you care what your parents think then consider how they would react to your plan to move in with him vs. your plan to continue to date and see how things go.

    #728637 Reply
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    Vathena

    Totally agree re: life experience, @Copa and @sweett!

    #728638 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I guess by power dynamic I don’t really think of it as something tactical. When I was in my late 20s I dated some girls who were late college and I dunno, there’s some gratification from feeling important and having the other person think that you’re super smart/sophisticated and deferring you your expertise and whatnot. But most people know better than to let this be their guiding consideration, which is one of the reasons that the relationship is a bad bad idea. And as I noted, in agreement with you.

    “4. Many of the things that appeal to you about him such as the power dynamic of dating a much younger person, etc, are going to change. You are going to change.”

    #728639 Reply
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    Fyodor

    To some extent it doesn’t really matter if he’s doing this because he’s nefarious or because he’s emotionally stunted. Neither is gonna work.

    #728640 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Re: power dynamics. One of my friends is 33 and pretty much exclusively dates women in their early 20s. I think it’s weird, but assumed he liked feeling in control as well as the blind adoration that seems to go hand-in-hand with inexperience. In a drunk conversation a few months ago he told me he actually feels that the women he dates have all the power.

    #728642 Reply
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    SweetT
    Member

    My daughter is 18 and going off to college in the fall. Go Raiders! If she came home from college and told me she was dating a 42 year old man, I would not be happy.

    At your age, your whole life is in front of you and I wouldn’t want her to miss that. I would think that my daughter’s life experiences would be stunted by dating someone so far ahead of her in the ways of the world. I would talk to her about this.

    I would also recognize she is an adult and let her make he own decisions. I would not under any circumstance alienate myself from her just in case she needed me.

    #728646 Reply
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    Ron

    Sweet T —
    True, and this guy is too old for her, but there is a big difference between H.S. 18 and 22.

    #728657 Reply
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    SweetT
    Member

    I don’t disagree between HS 18 and 22. My comment was geared towards my daughter coming home from college at 22 and said she has a 42 yr old boyfriend.

    As a parent of a daughter pretty close to her age, I understand her parents not being happy about the age difference.

    My mom would be proud of me because I understand her more as I get older and have learned some life lessons.

    #728680 Reply
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    TheHizzy

    My parents didn’t love the 7.5 year age difference FMH and I have….even though theirs is the same.

    #728687 Reply
    barleystonks
    Barleystonks

    I mean, I’m that one who comes here and says my 19 year age difference has resulted in a happy marriage, but I also would be pretty suspicious if my step daughter who is now the age I was when I met my husband (21) came home with a 40 year old man. I probably don’t get to say much about it, but I’d be suspicious. I think that the fact that it worked out well for me doesn’t at all indicate that it’s a good idea for most people.

    #728692 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    @thehizzy I think because you’ve mentioned an age difference in your relationship, I assumed that the age difference had to be like 10-15 years or even more. Weren’t you late 20s or so when you guys started dating? In that case, I don’t think a 7.5 year age difference is a big deal at all. But, yeah, I get it. A guy I went on a handful of dates with earlier this year was 7 years my senior and I told a cousin of mine about it. Her reaction to his age was, “Well, that’s certainly on the *older* end of your ideal dating range.” I suppose that guy was on the older end, but he wasn’t the oldest. This year, I’ve mostly been out with older guys: a 37-year-old, two 39-year-olds (both of whom are turning 40 this month), and I’m going on a second date with a 41-year-old this weekend. I’m in my 30s, so a 7, 9, or 10-year age difference isn’t felt the way it would’ve been when my cousin, who met her husband at 23 during grad school, was still dating.

    #728723 Reply
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    Fyodor

    “Re: power dynamics. One of my friends is 33 and pretty much exclusively dates women in their early 20s. I think it’s weird, but assumed he liked feeling in control as well as the blind adoration that seems to go hand-in-hand with inexperience. In a drunk conversation a few months ago he told me he actually feels that the women he dates have all the power.”

    Maybe. I am sure it varies. Also, it’s not like there is some objective metric of powerfulness in relationships. It’s not unusual for both members of a couple to feel powerless and at the whims of the other person. Love strips you bare and messes you up.

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