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Dear Wendy

Is it okay for your husband to hide that he is watching porn

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Is it okay for your husband to hide that he is watching porn

This topic contains 21 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Rebecca 1 month ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 22 total)
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  • #681721 Reply
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    Anniesue
    Member

    What should i do if my husband is hiding and lying stuff deleteing thing off his phone is he in love with me still please help we have 2 kids one is his stepson but he has raised his so yea we have to kids we are young still.

    #681722 Reply
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    Janelle

    I’d search for other posts about porn on here. He’s hiding it because it’s clear you don’t like it or are insecure about it which is clear by you questioning if he loves you. Also everyone clears their porn history. That is just smart. No one wants to die suddenly and have their family find out they watch midget/amputee porn or something.

    #681730 Reply
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    Heather

    Watching porn is something much all men do. It’s a form of fantasy (we all fantasize about sex/romance). Before the internet, magazines with naked people in them sold like hot cakes. Men look (some women too) at it in relationships & out of them & sometimes with their partners on occasion if their partners enjoy it too- it’s got nothing to do with whether he loves/finds you desirable. And fantasy means it may not look like anything his normal tastes in women or things he wants in bed, as that the point. The only time people have to worry is when it totally replaces sex
    (becomes an over-riding addiction) and /or if it’s of children or something other illegal things.

    He hides from you as you disapprove & he doesn’t want to deal with your judgement as he’ll still look at porn, no matter what you think. Frankly, men watching porn is the least of issues in relationships to worry about. If he was actually cheating, secret gambling, or being abusive then fine; a big problem, but otherwise…

    #681735 Reply
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    ele4phant

    So – why is he hiding stuff?

    Is he hiding stuff because he knows you’re not okay with him watching porn? Kinda sounds like that. If that’s the case, you need to get over it. Lots of people (men AND women) like porn on occasion. Doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to their partners or that they aren’t into real life sexual activity, but we all like a little variety, you know? I think it’s fair to ask him to be discrete about it if it bothers you, but if you’re trying to constrain him from watching any and all porn, or make him feel guilty about it because it makes you feel insecure, knock it off.

    Now, if you are fine with him watching porn, and he’s still being all weird and sneaky about it, ask him what’s up. Again, not in confrontational way, don’t make it about the porn watching but make it about the evasiveness and lying to you.

    #681745 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Every man that you have ever met has watched porn and unless they’ve discussed it with you, every man you’ve ever met has hidden it from you. You have been an unwitting victim of pornography-related deception over and over again your whole life.

    #681748 Reply
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    Anniesue
    Member

    Thats no it at all we have watch it together before multiple times hiding it and deleteing it all the sudden

    #681749 Reply
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    Anniesue
    Member

    Yes i am fine with it i have alway been now he is hiding it and deleteing thing

    #681752 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    So, I am a horse of a different color on this subject. Porn is a deal breaker for me. I realize that’s a very unpopular opinion on this site so i keep it to myself, but there is it. I have no issue with people who do watch it, I have no religious objection to it (I’m an athiest), and I enthusiastically embrace any arrangement that works for other couples (porn, poly, open relationship, whatever) as long as there is informed and enthusiastic consent. I’m just personally not ok with it, and I wouldnt be with someone who watched it. I found and married a likeminded man. It certainly meant I didnt make it past the 2nd date with some people, but people who dont watch are actually a lot more common than you’d think.

    Does his porn use mean he doesnt love you? Absolutely not. I do disgaree with the statements that every man does it and it’s something you just need to get over, however. I think those are really harmful statements that not only arent true but marginalize the feelings of people who aren’t ok with it. Your boundaries are yours to define and you get to decide what those are, and if one is porn then that’s ok.

    I suggest checking out the organization Fight The New Drug, it has resources for people against porn and who dont want it as a part of their relationship. However, it seems clear your husband isn’t going to stop looking at it and instead will lie and hide it, so you need to realize you won’t change him and make your decisions from there. Ultimately you need to either accept that he does it, or accept that it’s a dealbreaker for you and move on.

    #681753 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Well, if he knows you’re OK with it and he’s deleting it, there are a few possibilities:
    –It’s not porn, it’s something else like messages to someone
    –It’s content he thinks you wouldn’t approve of
    –The quantity makes him think you wouldn’t approve
    –He misunderstands that you’re accepting of it.

    Any of those seem plausible?

    #681788 Reply
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    Janelle

    I said it before but I’ll say it again. Most everyone deletes their porn history. I have watched porn with partners, doesn’t mean I don’t delete it. Nothing shady just don’t need someone using my phone or comp one day and seeing what I watch. It is private to me. Also often what someone watches is not a reflection of what they want. Heck, sometimes you click something out of curiosity and then wish you never had!

    If you don’t mind the porn you need to get over this. People delete porn history. EVERYONE. It is pretty much common sense.

    #681791 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I assumed the issue was that he didn’t previously and does now. Otherwise, it wouldn’t make sense that she wrote in…

    #681797 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Yeah – with your update, are you sure it’s porn?

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