Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Is it too much to ask for my boyfriend to spend time with me?”

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This topic contains 25 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Mel 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #673579 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 6 years (off and on of course but even when we were off we never dated other people, and always stayed friends) but we’ve been back on for almost 2 and half years now, and in that time we have been through a lot. I love him to death and can’t imagine my life without him, but lately he has been doing some things that really are disrespectful and hurtful and when I call him out on his bed behavior. He always finds a way to turn it back on me and make me feel guilty or like I’m being unreasonable or irrational. I still care about him a lot but I’m not happy. I find myself getting upset over the tiniest things. And I know it’s because I’m still aggravated that he keeps canceling dates are blowing me off. Which all started when he brought up as getting engaged two months ago. Since then anytime we’ve made plans he’s come up with a reason he can’t show up. And I don’t mind him canceling, but what bothers me is when he just doesn’t even tell me he is not coming and just leaves me hanging all day then he just calls me later at night after having left me hanging all day and then pretends like nothings wrong. Then when I try to tell him how wrong it was just not hearing from him and him not returning texts or calls made me he just blows it off and changes the subject. I love him and outside of his inconsiderate behavior he’s really very nice and kind of the perfect man for me. We’ve been through so much and I would not have made it through the last year without him especially in light of my sisters death he’s support has meant the world to me and I honestly can’t see myself being with anyone but him. But I also can’t see how we can make it work if he keeps avoiding seeing me, canceling our plans, breaking his promises and just not showing up. If he’s changed his mind about getting married that’s fine I’m not going to force a guy to marry me. I just need to tell me where we stand. I guess the reason this is bothering me so much is that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Once again I was the one to make the date plans. He just said pick something and he’ll show up which probably the least romantic sentiment ever and made me feel really bad. But I did because I wanted to see him. So then we talked tonight he was telling me that he didn’t like what I had planned and was complaining about the restaurant. Which I probably could’ve ignored had that not been followed with him openly admitting that he had not gotten me a Valentines Day gift nor did he intend to. (Now I’m not materialistic or selfish. I don’t need a lot, I would’ve been happy with the card, or a box of chocolates from the dollar store, but to not get anything at all is just really disrespectful and rude. Especially since I got him the smart watch he has been asking for, as well as the couple shirts we were going to wear on our date and his and her Keychains that were really nice and we were engraved so they were really expensive. Not to mention I was the one that made all of the Valentines plans for us, if I hadn’t I’m positive he probably wouldn’t let the day pass without giving it much thought.)

    I know I probably shouldn’t be upset because Valentine’s Day is just another day after all. But it is it too much to ask to have one special day a year for just us. I really do love him. But the longer we spend together the more I feel like it just takes me for granted. I don’t know what to do. I’m not asking him to treat me like a princess. But is it too much to ask for my boyfriend to spend time with me. Am I asking too much for us to spend one day a week seeing each other. Am I asking too much for him to care about this relationship as much as me. He makes me happy 90% of the time. So I don’t want to raise a huge stink I over, this one little issue, but I feel like this is she was going to be a huge problem in the future unless we can work it out. Talking doesn’t seem to be working because he doesn’t seem to understand what I’m saying. So what else can I do to make him understand my point of you. Or am I being too lenient on him. Most of my friends seem to think that I am, and urging me to break up with him. And I don’t want to end things with him, because I do love him. But in the past I would’ve never put up with this from my guy. So I don’t understand what I’m giving him such passes. And if we don’t fix things I really don’t know if there is a future for us as much as it would hurt for me to go forward with my life without him. I don’t want to lose who I am and the respect that I have for myself. So dear Wendy please please please help me figure out what to do.

    Signed sincerely helpless

    #673582 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Yeeahhhh, I think you know the answer here. You’re with a boyfriend who literally does not want to see you. Like, even if you plan everything, he doesn’t show up. You’re seriously asking if it’s too much to ask that your boyfriend spend time with you. Like, you asked that, verbatim. And then a couple sentences later you said he makes you happy 90% of the time. How can that possibly be? I think maybe the idea of him makes you happy. Or, the history you have together makes you feel comfortable. Or, you feel grateful and indebted to him for supporting you through a big loss. Or, you’re scared of being without him. I think there are a lot of feelings you are confusing or mis-calling “happy.” You don’t sound 90% happy to me. You sound really, really sad, actually. And confused. And scared.

    Those feelings are normal when you’re on the brink of ending a relationship that has run its course and is not longer working and will not work again. It’s time for you to MOA. You know that on some level. You’ve given this six years, through multiple breakups. It’s not working. Love isn’t enough. Not when there’s so little else holding things up.

    #673588 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    You’ve been together on and off “of course”? HUH? Why “of course”? Like, people should just assume that the relationship has been off and on? Like it’s totally normal and a sign of a healthy relationship? Anyway, yes, break up with him and find someone who wants to spend time with you, please! That’s the whole point of dating someone — to share fun times together! You can find better if you’re willing to let go of this guy. I promise you, one day you will look back and cringe at how you let this guy treat you.

    A friend of mine MARRIED the guy she felt didn’t prioritize her and now, 3.5 years later, they’ve been separated a few times (OF COURSE!) and this most recent separation just hit the year mark as they lead separate lives in separate countries. And she STILL can’t walk away. And she’s just wasting so much time hoping, and trying to force something that’s no longer working (and probably never DID work). They fought via Facetime yesterday, but she keeps insisting their love is enough to keep their marriage together — even though her marriage is a cluster. Anyway, don’t be her!

    #673589 Reply
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    Marcie

    Copa, I knew someone like that, and she held on for 5 years! He was cheating on her while she was pregnant and now their kid is 5 years old!!! They finally got a divorce and he’s officially with the woman he had the affair with. SMH.

    #673596 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    She’s been telling me how unhappy their marriage is since one month(!) into their marriage, at which point in time she told him she hated him and he told her that being married to her made him more miserable than he’d ever been in his whole life. One. Month. In. And it’s been rocky since, and she always comes back to “but we LOVE EACH OTHER.” That’s great, but you CLEARLY suck together. I think she THINKS she loves him, but she never dated anyone else before him and in my experience, it’s the people with limited experience clinging to the “love is all you need” mentality. (I sure did when I was younger and unsure of when to break up with people.) I’ve been getting texts from her this morning about how their Valentine’s Day was shitty even though they’re half a world apart at the moment. I wanna shake her. Thank goodness they have no kids. I just don’t see how they’ll manage another 40-50 years together, but I’m also shocked they’ve made it this long so who knows.

    #673598 Reply
    avatar
    Essie
    Participant

    Jesus, LW, why are you trying to force this relationship to work? It sounds like you don’t even like each other very much. He doesn’t want to spend time with you. And you’re talking about getting engaged? WTF?

    You seem to think that once you start dating someone you’re required to stay together forever and eventually get married, no matter what.

    No. That’s not how it works. This is a relationship that isn’t right for either of you. Neither of you are happy. You fall apart and then get back together because it’s easier than finding someone else. Pure inertia is keeping you together.

    Move on. Free each other to find the people you’re supposed to be with.

    #673599 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    The fact you’ve been together off and on isn’t a sign of a normal, long term relationship. It’s the sign of a relationship that doesn’t work and even though you try over and over it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work and it isn’t going to work. You need to move on. Once you realize the relationship doesn’t work you are wasting your time. You are preventing yourself from healing and you are preventing yourself from meeting other guys, one of which may be amazing.

    Your boyfriend is spending no time with you. It sounds like he is trying to get you to break up with him. If he blows you off long enough sooner or later you’ll break up. In the meantime he’s spending his time doing whatever it is he wants and he obviously doesn’t want to spend his time with you. You couldn’t possibly be 90% happy with him. Probably more like 90% unhappy with him and the happy part is based on past memories not his current self.

    Move on and don’t look back. Don’t wait for him to get back together with you. It doesn’t work. It hasn’t worked and it will never work. For whatever reason the two of you probably have great chemistry but you don’t fit together long term. Realize there is no future in this relationship except lots of hurt and let it go.

    #673608 Reply
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    K

    “I love him and outside of his inconsiderate behavior he’s really very nice and kind of the perfect man for me.”

    He shouldn’t be inconsiderate, at all. The fact that he is means he’s not the perfect man for you. My boyfriend and I are never inconsiderate of each other. In a healthy relationship, you don’t disrespect each other. I know you love him, but that doesn’t mean that you are meant to be together. Move on, and you will feel much better.

    #673613 Reply
    avatar
    Vathena

    Whenever I see “on again, off again” used to describe any relationship, it’s an automatic MOA.

    Make a big deal about “this one little issue”? The issue that he doesn’t want to be around you, doesn’t respect you, doesn’t respect your time, doesn’t care about your feelings, doesn’t put even the tiniest amount of effort into the relationship, doesn’t want to see you, blows you off, and gaslights you… You’re right, you shouldn’t make a big stink about it. Just tell him you’re done. If you’re not seeing a therapist to help you process your grief surrounding the loss of your sister, that may help as well. It sounds like you are clinging to this failed relationship as a link to a time in your life when she was still with you.

    #673624 Reply

    Lady, you are lying to yourself when you say he makes you happy 90% of the time. That’s a big line of bs. Stop selling yourself short. Everyone else is right, if you are on and off again and now you are literally the only one TRYING to keep the relationship together, it’s done.
    Value yourself enough to date a man who WANTS to spend time with you.

    #673629 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    This is actually him BEGGING YOU to break up with him because he isn’t got enough courage to do it himself.

    TRUST ME. I’VE BEEN THERE.

    The reason he blames everything on you is because he wants to be the “good guy”. So, when you finally decide to ditch him he’ll be all like “you were the one that broke us up”, so he’s the victim.

    This guy wants to break up but wants YOU to do it. So do it. Stop wasting time on this dickhead.

    #673655 Reply
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    MissDre

    Why do so many guys do this. My ex did this to me as well. He definitely wanted to break up with me, but instead of pulling the trigger he just started treating me like shit until I broke up with him.

    Is this a guy thing? (No I don’t mean all guys, I just mean, do guys do this more than girls?). Or is this just an asshole thing, and we’re only seeing girls complain about it?

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