Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Is my boyfriend still in love with me?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Is my boyfriend still in love with me?

This topic contains 32 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leslie Joan 2 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 33 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #677794 Reply
    avatar
    RDH_2018

    My bf and I have been together for a year next month, and I want to know if there are signs of him not loving me anymore. He’s white and I’m black. When we started dating, it was great. He was very romantic and he was in the midst of getting out of the military. Now, he’s an insurance agent who works even when he’s home. We don’t take lots of trips anymore since we’re on a budget, or even go to dinner a lot anymore. Recently, I saw he was looking up photos of naked women to see if he can get hard still. It bothered me even more because the women he was looking at were white and I’m black. We talked about it and he was aware how hurt I was, and went to a drastic decision to not have his phone on him when he’s home. This all happened 3 weeks ago, and he has yet to follow through with what he says. He has an issue getting hard he says because sometimes he thinks of my ex, who was very muscular. So he gets down about that. When we have sex, I don’t feel like it’s making love anymore. There’s no connection with him and it seems like it’s just sex. We used to foreplay a lot and just be romantic but that’s damn near gone. Am I over reacting or is there something wrong? I’m not sure whether to have another conversation with him about it or not.

    #677795 Reply

    Whether he loves you or not, ya’ll have a lot of problems in this relationship.

    First, your self esteem is taking a huge hit being with him (that’s reason to move on), he can’t stay erect for sex (he should see a doctor), you don’t feel connected in the relationship anymore (get counseling or have a heart to heart talk), and he’s using his fantasies of his ex and other women in order to have sex with you (definitely move on!).

    Honestly, if the only problem was that you didn’t feel connected anymore, I’d say work through it but coupled with the other stuff you should move on. Whatever his problem is (if he wants to go back to dating white women or still in love with his ex), it’s not your problem to fix. That’s his shit to work through. Also, your needs aren’t being met in the relationship and that’s a HUGE problem that’s harder to fix cause he has other shit he needs to work on.

    Move on. There are better relationships out there for you.

    #677797 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes, something is wrong. It sounds like your relationship ran out of gas. Did it start very fast and heavy? Often that type of thing will crash and burn pretty quickly. It’s been less than a year and it sounds like the sex stopped a while ago. That BS about you muscular ex is just blame-shifting. Don’t listen to it. But without sex, affection, and fun, what are you there for? It’s over, move on.

    #677800 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    I don’t read it as he’s fantasizing about her ex. He feels physically inadequate because she used to date guys who were much more manly. Lots of people write in with these kinds of physical inadequacy issues involving their partners. It’s irrational but it doesn’t make it “blame shifting”

    #677801 Reply
    avatar
    RDH_2018

    When I said there’s no connection, I meant when we are intimate. It’s just sex, there’s not much kissing or anything. Not that that’s better but yeah. We connect on many other things though. He is seeing a physical therapist and he does have slight ptsd from deploying. I just can’t seem to get over that he looked up naked white women to see if he could get hard. It still lingers in my mind and Idk how to stop it.

    #677802 Reply
    avatar
    RDH_2018

    Also yes, he isn’t as muscular as my ex and he isn’t as girthy downstairs (he doesn’t know that though), but I don’t care and he knows I don’t care about that. Idk how to help him. He tells me he loves me and all but the romance has been in a standstill for a month or so now.

    #677803 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Hey, is he on any meds?

    And yeah, Fyodor, maybe visions of her ex are why he can’t get hard, but I doubt it. A lot of times, guys don’t know how to talk about these things and they throw out some reason that isn’t the truth but makes it sound like it’s your fault. It’s a thing.

    My ex was taking the anti-hair loss drug Propecia. Almost immediately he started having trouble getting hard. He also had increased anger, anxiety, trouble making decisions, pain in his testicles… Now I know (recent articles have come out about this because Trump takes this drug) that it was probably the propecia. At the time, he either didn’t know or didn’t want to know (because he was obsessed about his hairline), so he blamed it on me, saying it was because I acted pissy. Which I did *because* he was being so weird and we weren’t having sex.

    #677805 Reply
    avatar
    RDH_2018

    No he’s not on any meds. He did take steroids for about 3 months and he said his estrogen levels were very high, which they are bc I went to the doctor with him. But that was months ago. He should be fine now. Yesterday we had sex but it was just that, not much kissing or foreplay. Hardly ever.

    #677806 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, I don’t know what else to say except that usually when the sex goes, it means the relationship has run its course. You can try talking to him about it again, using a calm tone and “I” statements to tell him how you feel, but this sounds like it’s over. I’m sorry.

    #677807 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    If his penis size is something that you are volunteering to strangers I am going to take a wild guess that it is something that he has picked up on.

    #677808 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes, there’s gotta be a way this is her fault.

    #677809 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    It doesn’t make it her fault. He can have irrational and unjustified anxieties and inadequacies about sex that are nonetheless sincere.

    It isn’t really reasonable for her to think that he doesn’t love her because he looked at naked pictures of women who don’t look like him but I don’t think that she is making it up.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 33 total)
Reply To: Is my boyfriend still in love with me?
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.