This topic contains 36 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Angela Theresa 6 months, 1 week ago.
- December 21, 2016 at 1:46 pm #665269
From a LW:
My husband and I have been married for 23 years, plus we went together for four year before we married.
Three months ago I found out that my husband has been posting pictures of himself, both partially clothed in swimsuits, bike shorts, etc., as well as fully naked (showing his penis) on gay websites for over ten years. He also had secret email and yahoo accounts with explicit porn related names that I didn’t know about which he claims he has since deleted. I also found out that he registered on swinger websites. His profiles were very explicit regarding what he would do. In addition, at the start of this new life 10+ years ago, he stopped having relations with me. He claimed he didn’t want to hurt me because I was going thru vaginal atrophy, and even though I remidied that, he kept using the excuse….”I don’t want to hurt you.”
Upon my confronting him about the gay websites and the swingers website, he said he just did it so that he would receive accolades about his body and private parts and that he never ever cheated on me. However, he did confess to going to at least three men’s residences. He said nothing sexually happened with these men….he just masturbated in front of one of them. I also found out in one of his emails that he asked one gentleman when he would be ready to ‘play again’ …….what am I missing here????
I have filed for divorce but am so confused regarding his actions. I asked him if he is bi…he said no! I am so distraught!!! He keeps saying nothing really happens…and he loves me beyond words and wants me to stop this divorce action. Help…please….I have no more love for him…..I am in my late 60s but I just want out…..but he is pleading with me to stop the divorce proceedings. How can I when he has deceived and betrayed me for 10+ years?
He has since gone to a counselor who says he is a sex addict so therefore my husband feels since he is getting help and has stopped all actions (he says he is cured and ‘sober’ of all sex addiction) that I should forgive him and stop the divorce proceedings.
Distraught!!December 21, 2016 at 2:05 pm #665278
It would seem so… If not full blown closeted. His lack of sexual interest in you speaks volumes…December 21, 2016 at 2:07 pm #665279
I think it sounds like he’s gay, actually. But he likes being married and having the security and companionship. You’re doing the right thing in my opinion by leaving a marriage that lacks intimacy and trust. I think it’s pretty selfish of him to be trying to get you to stay after all of this. I also think he’s told you a lot of lies, and I would bet he’s had plenty of sex with men.December 21, 2016 at 2:13 pm #665283
It doesn’t matter what his problem is, really. The only thing that matters is that you don’t love him, you don’t trust him, and you want out.
Continue with the divorce proceedings. Don’t let him or anyone else try and guilt you into staying in a sham of a marriage with a selfish, lying a-hole.
And “just” masturbating in front of someone IS CHEATING, in case he’s saying otherwise. Trust your gut and don’t let this jerk gaslight you.December 21, 2016 at 2:37 pm #665289
I agree with those who already posted, you’re definitely doing the right thing by filing for divorce.
Only thing I would add is to get yourself to the doctor’s office and have a full panel of STD testing done ASAP.December 21, 2016 at 2:39 pm #665291
They haven’t had sex in 10 years though…December 21, 2016 at 2:43 pm #665292
True, but you never know, some of the timing could be a little off in terms of when the double life started and when they stopped having sex. Better safe than sorry.December 21, 2016 at 2:54 pm #665297
What a deceitful asshole. Keep moving forward with the divorce; he’s still not being honest with you. I’m so sorry.December 21, 2016 at 3:55 pm #665314
Doesn’t matter if he is Gay or Bi. Though I’ d go for more Gay then Bi as he stopped sex with you & started his gay other life. More importantly a he’s a liar & manipulative in the past and now. He lost any rights to control your decisions or feeling about him or your marriage. Very sorry that this happened. But continue to get out of this marriage.
Also start therapy for your feeling of betrayal. This isn’t in any way your fault, but spouses of gay and bi partners (who didn’t know) feel a sense of guilt for not knowing or that there was/is something wrong with them. There absolutely isn’t, but accepting that can take work.December 21, 2016 at 4:02 pm #665317
Don’t let him guilt you. Remind him that HE is the one who ended this marriage with his 10 years of cheating and refusing to have sex with you. He probably does love you, but has discovered he’s not sexually attracted to women. So unless you want to be married to someone who isn’t sexually attracted to you, continue with the divorce.December 21, 2016 at 4:02 pm #665319
It doesn’t really matter how he identifies. Gay, bi, or whatever. He’s cheated on you (I think he’s for sure lying when he says he didn’t) and you can’t trust him. You’re doing the right thing by divorcing him.December 21, 2016 at 4:26 pm #665330
He’s gay. If he were bi, he’d also be trolling women on-line or showing some sexual interest in you. Whatever, he has been living a double life and hiding that well-documented fact from you for a decade. That is massive deceit. There is nothing left of your relationship and you are correct to ignore his pleas and get a divorce. Tell him it’s 2016 and there is no need for you as a shield. It is time he step out of the closet. The guy must be boring as hell, his excuses are lame and show zero originality.
And yes, get tested. This has likely been going on since before the start of your marriage. He didn’t suddenly wake up one day in middle age and decide he likes men.