Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Is this relationship worth it??

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ron 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #693800 Reply
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    Sydney Blomker

    I could go on and on about the relationship I am currently in, but to spare myself pages of writing I will try and get the main ideas out. I’m trying to look for non bias opinions on whether or not me staying in this relationship is just plain stupid or not.
    A little background info about me – I have very bad anxiety that I am still trying to get under control, and I have classic daddy issues as my father left my family when I was about 12 years old. I dated guys here and there and liked having little flings but I never felt strongly enough to really get serious with a guy, as I was scared I would be left – so, I always ended things before it got serious.
    That is until Alex came along. We dated for about a month and then started to become pretty committed to each other. I fell so in love with this man and I still believe that no matter what happens I will always care for him and want the best for him. He is 22 and I am 19, he is a heavy drinker and partier and so are all of his friends where as I am more of a relaxed night in kind of girl. This has caused problems because I am uncomfortable around all of his friends, and around his drinking in general. Recently he got a DUI and now has to be sober for a full year and attend AA, so I think that aspect of our relationship will improve. The main two problems I have other than that is his lying and his wandering eye. I started off with trust issues before we even met and he knew that it would be a while before I fully trusted him. Knowing that he has still continued to lie about things and make up stories for things. One example of the lies he tells is that he doesn’t give out his snapchat or follow people on social media (referring to the GORGEOUS girls he works with at a country club) but one day as we were laying next to each other and he was scrolling through his phone I see that his best friend on snapchat was a girl from work, which normally I wouldn’t bat an eye at, but he lied about not giving his snap out which makes me feel like he’s hiding something.. He lies about when girls are out with his friends when they are at the bar, and he lied about seeing his coworkers at the bar claiming he ran into them when he in fact invited them to come. All of the situations, as I have explained to him, are not a big deal the problem is the lying about it because that makes me feel like something is being hidden. The wandering eye refers to him blatantly looking at girls butts as we are walking together, or sending screenshots of girls he follows on instagram in bikini’s to his friends and making comments of how hot they are and even one time made the comment “I need a Ashley in my life” with a picture of a close girl friend of his in a bikini top. I have told him I feel disrespected by that and it makes me feel insecure. I get that he will look, but the fact that he is searching these girls up and taking the time to send them to his buddies seems a little excessive. His excuse is that his dad always talked like that but always only had eyes for his mom, or that his buddies all have girlfriends too but they still talk like that. I just feel like this is a lot to go through but at the same time I can’t bring myself to leave him. I love him so much and he says he wants to marry me when I graduate and that I am the best thing to ever happen to him, and he has just become part of my life and I don’t know if I see it with anyone else. Maybe I should ask what you all would do? If you’re in love with a dude who won’t get his shit together, or perhaps I am asking too much? I can definitely be controlling and it is something I have begun to talk to someone about, but if he lies about everything I don’t get how he expects me to just let him go and do crap without me knowing or hearing from him.

    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by avatar Kate.
    #693806 Reply
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    Ron

    No, this isn’t going to work.

    #693808 Reply
    redessa
    redessa
    Participant

    Nope. Not worth it. You are not compatible. Finish school. Date men who are not lying alcoholics.

    #693810 Reply
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    FannyBrice

    I only read up to the part where you said you only had two problems with him besides his LYING and “wandering eyes.”

    Run. Run away from him as far and as fast you can. RUN.

    #693811 Reply
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    Heather

    Big, no actually Huge RED FLAGS. Lying & wondering eyes and binge drinker on a DUI. No. These are deal breakers. I’m sure he’s attractive and has some good qualities but the above Red Flags mean, NOPE. Isn’t going to work. This has nothing to do with you being controlling, and everything to do with the moral character of this man. His excuses mean nothing, his actions of lying and sharing photos etc of women as if they were objects and not human beings is not a good thing in a partner or even a friend.

    #693818 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    “I’m trying to look for non bias opinions on whether or not me staying in this relationship is just plain stupid or not.”

    Yes, it is just plain stupid.

    Your problem with his drinking isn’t solved, sorry to say. He drinks and parties. A DUI won’t stop him. Maaaaaybe he’ll stay sober a year as required but I doubt it. Plus, you’re uncomfortable around all his friends. That won’t change.

    And the rest of it is bullshit, NOT normal, not loving and respectful, not ok. You’ve told him exactly how you feel, and he’s like, eh, whatever, it’s fine. My dad always talked about other women in front of my mom but only had eyes for her. Uh what? That makes no sense. If he’s openly gawking at other women and talking about how hot they are, he has eyes for everyone but his wife. Yeah, maybe he stayed with her, but he treated her like crap.

    The lying isn’t going to change either.

    I’m not saying you *are* stupid, but it is really stupid to stay another minute with this jerk.

    #693822 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    You have physical chemistry with this guy and that is it. The chemistry is great but it can cause you lots of problems when it happens with the wrong person. This guy is the wrong person. Everyone is capable of falling in love with someone who will make their life miserable. That’s what is happening with you.

    Alcoholics aren’t emotionally available. I think that’s why he isn’t responsive to your concerns. That’s why he has the roving eye and lies. He isn’t emotionally connected to you so your concerns aren’t his concerns. He does what he wants and says whatever he thinks sounds good in the moment.

    This is a learning experience for you. You’ve learned that you need someone who isn’t an alcoholic. You’ve also learned that you need to like a partner’s friends and feel comfortable around them. You’ve learned that you need someone who doesn’t lie and who doesn’t have a roving eye. This experience will help you to pick better partners in the future.

    #693828 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Listen to us and your gut-that’s what told you to write in, right? You know this isn’t good but you want it to be ok. It will never be ok, don’t do damage to yourself by staying with this guy. There’s more to a good relationship than a guy sticking around.

    #693829 Reply
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    dinoceros

    No, it’s not worth it. Of course it’s not. He’s got a drinking problem (just being told to be sober for a year and go to AA doesn’t mean he’s actually going to suddenly not have a problem anymore), he is blatantly interested in other women (and apparently does not respect you enough to even hide it), and he’s dishonest. Any ONE of those would be enough reason for you to be done with the relationship, so the fact that all three are going on is a huge alarm bell.

    I’m concerned about why you’d think it would be asking too much to expect to have a boyfriend who doesn’t do these things. If a friend told you about a guy like this, would you tell HER that she was overreacting and asking too much?

    #693830 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Well, you asked….

    Yes, it would be stupid to stay with him. Really stupid.

    He’s your first serious relationship. You say “… and he has just become part of my life and I don’t know if I see it with anyone else.” Every guy you’ll be in a relationship with will become part of your life. That’s not a reason to be thinking about marrying a lying alcoholic that you obviously don’t trust at all when you’re 19 (!) years old.

    Every day you spend with this guy is a day you miss out on meeting a decent, honest guy without substance abuse issues. You’re only 19. Ditch this loser, get out there, date and have fun.

    #693939 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Yeah, this isn’t going to work and it would be stupid to stay with him. Move on, focus on yourself, your friendships, school, etc. You’re 19 years old — it may be a long time before you find someone you feel serious enough to be committed to and that’s ok. I was 21 before I had my first serious boyfriend, and many of my friends in college were in the same boat. Don’t feel like at 19, time is running out. You have plenty of time! Take the time to find someone worth your energy. This guy isn’t it.

    #693950 Reply
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    K

    Don’t stay in this relationship, you’re only 19 and there are plenty of guys out there who won’t lie or have a wandering eye. There are guys who have their shit together. He isn’t the right guy for you. Think of the heartache you’ll be free of when you don’t have to worry about him ogling other girls all day.

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