This topic contains 25 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by Ron 4 months, 1 week ago.
July 6, 2017 at 11:15 am #692902
From a LW:
Long weekend arrived my girlfriend of 6 years and my grown children and grandchild went to my cottage for a break. Everyone was enjoying themselves however the workload was not being equally divided. We were all to prepare meals, so workload would be shared. Truth be told however, the cleanup after meals was not being handled equitably. My girlfriend and I, were spending much of our time dishwashing and cleanup.
My girlfriend started complaining to anyone listening that she was there to relax also, a number of times. Finally, she lost it and got into a verbal confrontation with one of my siblings and then stomped off. I was left in kitchen with son, who was now also fuming. I settled him down, finished cleaning and then went to my girlfriend. We got into a verbal confrontation.
I told her she should not have said anything, that anything said had to and should have been said by me. We are not speaking. We have a very good relationship, and I did same some things that I should not have. However I feel disrespected by her actions towards my son at my home. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way. I would appreciate a prompt response. Thanks.July 6, 2017 at 11:15 am #692904
If you knew she was being overworked and that the work load was not being evenly distributed and you felt it was only your place to speak up and not hers, why didn’t you speak up?! Why did you let everyone pile the work on her? You owe her an apology — for letting your family get away with not doing their fair share of the work, for not speaking up on her behalf (since you say it wasn’t her place to speak up), for the verbal confrontation, and for the “things you did that you should not have.” You say you feel disrespected by her actions toward your son in your home. How do you think she feels by your actions and your family’s actions towards HER in her boyfriend’s home?July 6, 2017 at 11:30 am #692907
WWS 100%. If you’re reserving the right to speak up you have to actually do it! This reads like your family treated your girlfriend like the maid, you said nothing, then shit all over her for standing up for herself. You have some major apologies to make.July 6, 2017 at 11:46 am #692913
I started a longer answer, but it boils down to this.
1) Your family treated your GF like the hired help.
2) You not only did nothing to correct this, you told her she wasn’t permitted to speak up and ask for help. Thus, also treating her like the hired help.
You and your family both owe her an apology. And as a side note, if you really feel that she shouldn’t be allowed to speak freely to those who treat her disrespectfully, your relationship is pretty much toast anyway. I would expect that she’s much angrier about that than the lack of help with the dishes, and I would expect her to break up with you shortly.July 6, 2017 at 12:02 pm #692916
I think you’re right Essie. The fact that he has the gall to feel disrespected when at every turn his girlfriend was the one actually being shown a lack of respect is what puts it over the edge from my perspective.July 6, 2017 at 12:16 pm #692917
I’d be pissed about this, too. You don’t say how many people were there, LW, but 3 meals a day for even 4 adults and 2 kids (LW, GR, Son, Wife and 2 Kids since he says grandchildren), that’s cleaning up after over 50 plates of food and assorted dishes, assuming a 3 day weekend. Not to mention snacks. Even if the grandchildren are young and needed to be put to bed after dinner or down for naps, there’s no reason why at least one of the kids’ parents couldn’t chip in with clean up. I get the LW may not have had a problem cleaning up after his kids and grandkids each meal, but LW, you knew your GF did. You should have either told her to go relax and done it all yourself or told your kids to help out. She’s your GF, not a freaking maid. Stop treating her like one.July 6, 2017 at 12:41 pm #692918
One of LW’s siblings was there, so there was at least one other adult of an age where they weren’t taking care of kids. Also, somehow parents of children get dinner on the table at home with kids around. In my experience, it’s even easier with grandparents and other family around who can help keep an eye on the kids. That’s no excuse, at all. Unless one of them is a breastfeeding mother with a cluster-feeding baby, then they get a pass.July 6, 2017 at 1:40 pm #692931
You failed here. You knew your girlfriend was getting more and more frustrated with the situation, and your kids ignored her, and you did nothing to address the situation until she finally blew up.
Maybe you thought you were the host since it was your cottage. Maybe you’ve never expected your family to clean up after themselves while visiting the cottage. But you expected your girlfriend to be the maid all vacation without complaint. That was a nasty surprise, and you’d better apologize to her.
Why didn’t you simply ask your grown kids and/or siblings to pitch in on the dishes?July 6, 2017 at 1:42 pm #692932
“Grown children and grandchild” means there were multiple grownups and one child, if I’m understanding correctly. Definitely doesn’t seem like everyone was too busy watching kids to clean.July 6, 2017 at 2:07 pm #692938
When I spend time at my bf’s cottage – everyone (minus the kids) are expected to cook one meal and clean up afterwards – there is no confusion, and it’s nice b/c when it’s not my meal that I prepared I know I can relax, which is fair to everyone. Not to say some (and me) do more than the minimum as we all do, but we’re all there to have a good time so it is not fair if one person is taking the lion share of the work. Even my bf’s sister who is nursing, is cooking and cleaning as there is a cottage full of ppl who can help her out too. And the 8yr old, he helps too! I’m siding with your gf here – her weekend sucked as did your response and attitude. 🙁July 6, 2017 at 5:58 pm #692965
In theory, it would make the most sense for you to talk to your kids about stuff like this. But you didn’t, so she did. In the future, you could solve this problem by actually following through and handling the situation yourself. (I’m also curious as to why SHE was so much more angry than you were about this — perhaps she was doing more work than not just the kids, but also more than you?)
If you’ve been with someone for six years, and they are a part of your family, AND you have adult children, I think it’s weird to decide that she can’t address things with your kids. It would be different if they were small children and it was like a parenting issue, but they are adults who were being lazy. Adults are free to talk to other adults as they please. I say all this as someone with a stepmom. You can bet that if I was sitting on my butt while she did all the cooking and dishes, my dad wouldn’t get upset with her for telling me to actually do some work.
Next time, if you don’t want this to happen, then fix the problem before she reaches her breaking point.July 6, 2017 at 8:15 pm #692973
Sounds to me like you wanted her to play hostess but got mad when she decided she wasn’t there to cater to your family while they sat back and relaxed. You, the actual host, should have directed your children and your sibling and your sibling’s family with individual tasks: “MaryBob, and Elmer would you please dry the dishes? Bucky please help clear the dishes from the table. Nunnelly here’s paper towels and some windex, would you please wipe down the dinner table?”
Instead you decided that you would take on the lion’s share of work and expected your gf to take that on with you. That’s totally unfair and she watched as you allowed everyone BUT her to take advantage of the situation.
Yes – losing her temper wasn’t great, but her alternative was to sit her ass on the couch and either watch nothing get done or just allow you to do all the work. She stood up for herself. I think you owe her a big ass apology.