October 7, 2017 at 9:46 pm #722599
I am a freshman in college and last night I went to a club with my friends. I was having a so so time, but then some guys came up to my friends and I and wanted to buy us drinks. at first I refused because my one friend and I decided to try and stay sober. then they both wanted a shot so I agreed. when we were walking back to the dance floor from the bar, a man from behind grabbed my hand and started dancing with me. he was ugly, looked significantly older than me, and was…the exact opposite of my type. after a while and a few exchange of words, he turned me around and made out with me. now, I have never been kissed before or danced with and I think that is why I didn’t stop it. while it was happening, I couldn’t wait for it to get over, I felt nothing and thought he was gross and ugly. I think I was so willing because of the fact that I never receive male attention and found the fact that I am so inexperienced as a burden. when we stopped, he asked for my number so I gave him a fake one and said I had to go because my roommate needed me. I knew when it ended that I would burst into tears at any moment. my friends saw the whole interaction and were also very surprised. when we got to the dorms around 3 am, I woke up my roommate and explained everything to her and couldn’t stop sobbing. I feel so dirty and I cannot believe I let this happen. on top of it all, I think about the fact of how disappointed my parents would be. I am an only child so I have no siblings or anyone to talk to besides my friends. my parents would be so disappointed if they found out and the fact that I knew I felt nothing towards this ugly man makes me feel worse. and I know that my father would absolutely be disappointed because he said that whatever I do, I cannot date a [edit: guy of a different race than me] I know that I am not dating him nor will I see him again but I feel like this is worse. I can’t stop crying or thinking about it on repeat. I just keep seeing his lips coming to mine on repeat. I am so disappointed in myself and do not know what to do. please give me some good advice. I wish I could stop thinking about it, or better yet, I wish it never happened!!!
lostandconfusedOctober 8, 2017 at 2:16 am #722601
You had a regrettable hookup; it happens. Next time you go clubbing have a plan in place for what you’ll do if a dude you’re not into touches you in a way you don’t like. Get comfortable with having and enforcing boundaries. Male attention isn’t that hard to come by and you can’t function as though some rando is your only opportunity to get some, he isn’t.
Finally, your hang up on his race is pretty gross. Stop it.October 8, 2017 at 3:27 am #722603
Right, almost everyone has hookups/kisses with people they regret. You learn from your mistakes. Next time say no thanks to men you’re not attracted to.
(http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/11/how-to-reject-guy-at-bar-part-1.html?m=1) This may have been your first time, but it won’t be your last time, so time to learn a strategy / signal for having friends on back up if you need them & vice versa. Also feel free to kiss, dance etc with men who you do find attractive. If you do decide to take it further then make sure you have condoms as even “hot” men can give you STD’s or get you pregnant.
(http://www.scarleteen.com- for all kinds of advice on sex etc) I’m saying all this as you seem to have been fairly protected/sheltered, but it has some drawbacks- in that you don’t know how to deal with some routine situations.
As for the racism of your parents & you’ve apparently been taught by them…sigh. Not every lesson our parents teach us is right or good, and this one of them. We’ve all got racial bias ( yes even black, latino, asians people do too) etc as we live in this society that is built them and actual racism, but to actually not try to see past that to fact that other races are actual normal people?! They sleep, work, have kids and dream of a better life just as we do. Unfortunately, they’re also have deal with racism & ignorance on top of the hard knocks of ordinary life. Don’t be a person who adds to that burden, you’re far better person than that.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/busting-myths-about-human-nature/201305/how-not-be-racist%3FampOctober 8, 2017 at 4:03 am #722610
Oh & it’s none of your parents business who you make out with. You’re starting to be an adult so you get to make your own decisions about your life. You did nothing beyond a few kisses anyway so no need to feel guilt or worry. Kissing a man you do want will make it more fun next time.October 8, 2017 at 4:55 am #722611
I also just realised that your response to this is a show of anxiety so here’s a video on dealing with intrusive thoughts:
https://youtu.be/Con_uC8tUrAOctober 8, 2017 at 5:50 am #722612
I’m leaving this letter up because it’s real, and there is a real issue to be solved (needing to learn how to rebuff unwanted male attention, handling anxiety), but the racist overtones are not a good look.
Note: I edited the letter. It didn’t use any slurs or bad language, it was just offensive.October 8, 2017 at 6:46 am #722620
LW I hope you really start to think about your sexual agency. You’re a young woman and believe me what you’re going through right now is very very common. You are not daddy’s virginal princess with an obligation to be a “good girl”. You are not at the mercy of any dude who decides he wants to touch you. You have the choice because it is yours by right, believe it, internalize it, act on it. Girlfriend backup is very helpful as you start getting more comfortable being assertive. The buddy system at clubs, bars, parties, really anywhere you’ll be drinking is very important. Stick together so you have someone watching your back. If your friends can’t be counted on for that don’t go drinking with them. Seriously, at your age with your inexperience ugly things happen. Go out, have fun, buddy up, and be careful.October 8, 2017 at 7:01 am #722621
Your parents’ and your racism is the true ugliness here. It’s really gross and not a good look. Your naiveté is pretty alarming, too. When someone you aren’t interested in in kissing tries to kiss you, don’t kiss back, no matter how flattered you might be by the attention. Simply turn your head, and, depending on the exact situation, tell him “no” firmly, that you aren’t ready for that yet, or that he has the wrong idea. In this particular situation, you should have pulled away when he leaned in to kiss you, walked away and stayed near your friends. If he tried to make a move on you again, you could have left. You also should not be drinking in public — you’re a minor, it’s illegal, and you have poor decision-making skills to begin with so it’s not wise to create more challenges by drinking around people you don’t know or trust.October 8, 2017 at 7:59 am #722622
You’re a woman, not a little girl, and it’s time to grow up, be a woman in the world, and handle your own business. It’s not for your daddy or your non-existent siblings or your sleeping roommate to deal with your horror over kissing a guy whose looks and race you don’t like.
If a guy grabs your hand at a club, and you don’t want to hold hands with that guy, take your hand out of his and turn away. Walk away. If he follows you and tries to talk to you, firmly say you’re not interested, have a good night. If a guy is dancing with you and you don’t like it, again, walk away. “Excuse me, gotta go.” If he’s drunk and giving you a hard time, firmly say no, leave me alone, and walk toward the bouncers. If he tries to kiss you, put your hand up, say no, and walk away. Seriously, what the hell?
Finally, this is not a national tragedy. Sorry you talked to an ugly guy and ended up with his tongue in your mouth, but you’re fine. You kissed a guy you’re not into. Okay, we’ve all been there, are you going to let it ruin your life? Go talk to a counselor on campus if you feel like you need more help learning to say no.October 8, 2017 at 8:07 am #722623
Heather’s article about rejecting guys at a bar has some good ideas, but I disagree that you owe a guy ANYTHING because he bought you a drink. You shouldn’t let a guy buy you a drink in the first place. Just say no, thank you, you’ll get your own (when you’re 21). Letting guys buy you drinks is dumb because 1) it gives them an opportunity to slip drugs in it, 2) now they’ve made you feel obligated to stand and talk to them.
Contrary to what that article says, you also don’t need to smile when you’re rejecting someone. If he’s being nice, polite, and respectful and not grabbing at you, okay, you can be nice back. But do NOT feel you need to smile at a guy who grabbed you from behind. Get his hands off you, look him in the eye, say NO, and walk away.October 8, 2017 at 8:24 am #722624
I gave her that article as it’s at the LW’s level (I don’t entirely agree with it all myself) but it’d help with starting to say no. And @kate‘s advice on drinks is spot on.October 8, 2017 at 10:05 am #722627
Lots of things in your letter that could use some attention but they all follow a pattern. You are passive and let other people make decisions for you.
When it comes to drinks, even when you are of legal age, don’t feel like you to need to do what the rest of the group does. If you don’t want a drink don’t have a drink. Even if your friend changes her mind you can still not have a drink. You need to be the decision maker in your own life. Right now you are passive and let other people make the decisions.
We see the other person making decisions when the guy grabs you and you don’t keep moving away. If you don’t want to have anything to do with the guy you need to pull away and keep going. When you stopped when he grabbed you he took that as permission to continue. He shouldn’t take that as permission but he did. You need to protect yourself and make your own decisions. Don’t wait to see what he has decided to do. In this situation that means pulling away from him and keep moving. You don’t need to give an excuse for why you are moving on, no need to say your roommate needs you. Just pull away and keep going.
Now we get to the racism. You want to do what your dad told you to do. I get it. You want to make your parents happy and if they aren’t happy they may punish you by not paying for college or by making you come home to “save” your from ruining yourself. This is where it gets tricky. If your parents are paying for school and you are breaking their rules and values then they can choose to quit paying for school. You have to consider what would happen if you don’t follow their rules. In general the person with the money makes the rules and you follow them until you can make your own money. I wouldn’t blatantly break the rules if it would affect your ability to pay for college. I don’t know how much of it your parents are paying but if you need the financial support be careful. At the same time try to not be judgmental about people of other races. If you will sit back and watch you will see that people are people. One of the best things I got out of college was the opportunity to work with people from all over the world. I found that people are very much the same the world over. Everyone was in college because they wanted a better life. They wanted a better opportunity.
Your parents can’t make your decisions for you forever. I’m guessing your parents have raised you to be a passive, good girl who does what she is told. As you see that doesn’t work for an adult in an adult world. It is time to start thinking for yourself. It is time to start making your own decisions. You will have a miserable life if you continue to passively allow the people around you to make decisions for you that directly affect you.