This topic contains 42 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by em 5 months ago.
- March 17, 2017 at 7:24 pm #678437
I guess it was my problem 🙁 I will keep everything in mind and try to be a better person and not repeat again with my future partner. Thanks for your advice!
Long story short, I need your advice.
Im a typical college student girl who is about to graduate, who wants attention and enough care from my boyfriend. We’ve been together only for few months, but lately I brought up about breakups when I was mad, and I do know even though I was really mad I should’ve not done that when I didnt really mean that. The next day we got back together.
Ive been pretty emotional lately and for the past few weeks and we’ve been fighting often because I got mad over little things. And I do know its my bad, And I know he’s very tired and exhausted for the past two weeks of occasional fighting.
But there were just some things that I still think its red flags and wanted to ask if im overthinking or not.
When I first brought up about breakups and called him the next day to say sorry, he hung up my call. the next day he did goodmorning text as if nothing happened, and i brought up about him why he ignored my call being grumpy about it. And he got extremely mad, yelling at me on the phone saying i ruined his day again while he was trying to start a new day as if nothing happened, etc, yelling for few minutes telling me not to call me or text him today and just leave him alone. I never had my bfs yelling at me before so I was really surprised… But I know he’s been stressed and I was the one who brought up about breakups so I just let it go. But i still thought he had some temper issue, or at least how he treats me is not compatible with me.
And he has a habit of leaving me behind. One day I was jokingly saying a guy passing us is very well dressed, saying “wow he’s so cute” multiple times, just to tease him and jokingly making him jealous. But I did not know he was taking it seriously and was getting mad about it, and all the sudden he just left me while we were walking. I had my groceries and he was helping me moving those, and he left me with those large grocery bags. I was really mad but I know he was getting really jealous and all that, and it was my fault making jokes about some guy so I let it go, but i still thought it was a very bad habit.
The other day he left me was when we started arguing in public. He asked me to lower my voice but my voice got little louder (i inherently have loud voice I guess), but usually my past bfs tried to talk to me somewhere rather than just leaving me, but he just left me when we started arguing..
And this time, I was having such long day. I dont personally like smoking, but he does. It was 12:30AM and my campus is located where its dangerous at night, not an ideal location to walk alone. I was studying late and I was about to walk home with my friends, but he texted me telling me he would get some food for me so that we can eat together and he will walk me home. After him ordering food and all that, he told me he smoked a bit. since i was having such long day and all that, i was just disappointed about the fact that he did not tell me in advance because i wanted both of us sober. I know its just my personal preference but and a lot of times im okay with him smoking when im with him, but that day was not a good day, and I wished he could just tell me earlier as we promised so that I could just walk home with my friends instead of hanging out with him. I just acted grumpy and all that when he came to pick me up, and he got extremely annoyed because he thought i was trying to fight with him again. While we were heading to his place, we were arguing a bit while we were walking, which was not even bad (I was just disappointed about the fact that he was just more annoyed by me trying to argue rather than feeling sorry for not telling me in advance…) and all the sudden he just said “then just go home” and left me in the middle of 12:30AM.. Thankfully I was near campus so I just walked across the campus and came back to the library, (which is still not safe..) and thankfully I found my friend studying at library at 1:30AM so walked back home (my phone was dead could not call uber).
I do understand we’ve been fighting a lot lately and he feels really tired of fighting and all that, but I still think leaving me at 12:30AM is clearly showing me he really has some temper issue, or it is just clearly some terrible habit.. No matter what how annoyed or mad he was, (which was not even bad. we were just arguing, nothing violent or none of us were yelling or something). he just got tired of arguing and left me..
What do you guys think? is it something that a lot of guys occasionally do? Or is it clearly a red flag? I decided to break up with him the next day, and he was telling me “the only thing that I did wrong last night was leaving you alone,” which clearly shows that he does not think how bad it is to leave his gf in the middle of 12:30AM..
I was not sure if i was just overthinking or something.March 17, 2017 at 7:56 pm #678443
“something that girls do – getting jealous, wanting more care, being whiney, etc”.
No, just no. Only immature, insecure, manipulative women do this.
“he just got tired of arguing and left me..”
Good for him.
I skipped the middle of your letter because I think these two quotes say it all.March 17, 2017 at 8:00 pm #678444
Yes I do admit ive been acting immature and still learning.. 🙁 and I do not do that that often.. but I was just being little extra lately.. I will be more mature. Thanks for your advice.March 17, 2017 at 8:10 pm #678448
I read the first sentence “long story short”, saw how long it was and realized it wasn’t short at all.March 17, 2017 at 8:13 pm #678449
You both sound really not ready for a relationship. I would MOA, work on your communication skills and expectations and then use your newfound knowledge with a better guy. All this whining and leaving each other in the street etc is super unappealing to read about, I would not enjoy living it. BUT it’s a skill learned with a bit of self awareness (that you’re kind of already demonstrating so that’s good) and maturity and you can easily work towards it OP.March 17, 2017 at 8:17 pm #678450
Purple Star is right. That’s not something that all women do. It’s something that really childish teenage girls do.
You say you’re going to be more mature, but I’m not sure you’re getting it. I don’t blame your boyfriend one bit for walking away. You were behaving in a really obnoxious way, and people just aren’t going to want to be around you when you act like that. Heck, keep it up and even your friends will ditch you. Nobody’s got room in their life for that nonsense.
The way you described that night, it seemed like you were well aware that you were being obnoxious. And you kept doing it anyway. Almost like you were trying to goad your boyfriend into a fight. Why would you do that?March 17, 2017 at 8:47 pm #678458
oh i was going to make it short but it ended up super long 🙁
And yes, I admit Ive been little annoying lately but I clearly stopped, but this time when he came up high I could not let it go because he was not feeling sorry, more just mad at me because I wanted him say sorry. I still thought him walking away is still wrong, but I definitely need to work on that as Im aware of, and thanks for your advice.March 17, 2017 at 9:04 pm #678461
I also agree that this isn’t stuff all women do. And I think it’s important to not buy into stereotypes that society tries to force on us. Society tries to convince everyone that women are whiny and jealous, etc., and that’s not true. Some people are, just like some men are. So, just be aware when you are perpetuating a negative view of women.
I agree that some of your behavior would probably drive some people to walk away. But I also think that his communication skills are pretty bad. When someone calls to apologize, hanging up on them is pretty crappy. I think that the two of you are just not a good fit. I think that his behavior indicates that he’s not really someone who is going to be able to communicate in the future about arguments or other issues. Sounds like he just sort of wants to shut it out and then ignore it, which isn’t going to work when you have an actual problem to work through together. Anyway, like I said, it sounds like you’re not the best fit because your personalities seem to grate on each other too much.March 17, 2017 at 9:26 pm #678463
“I yelled at and threatened to break up with him and I am outraged that he did not want to talk to me the next day.”
“He refused to stay and listen to me tell him how attracted I was to another man”
“He would not walk with me while I berated him for smoking and otherwise took out my frustrations on him”March 17, 2017 at 9:32 pm #678465
When I talk to my daughter, who is in Kindergarden I explain to her about “bad attention” and “good attention” and how you shouldn’t try to get “bad attention” just to feel noticed.
You, LW, who apparently has the personality and temperament of a small child, try to provoke your boyfriend because you are validated by his engagement when you get a rise out of him. You like to provoke him into fights because it makes you feel important when he is angry. Do not slur your entire gender with your objectively terrible behavior.
You should break up with him, not for your sake, but for his.March 17, 2017 at 9:46 pm #678469
You are not a typical college student who is about to graduate. You sound like an immature, high school drama queen. You keep saying you know you need to do better, then you apparently keep acting the same way. Your bf may not be a super guy, but you really are one high maintenance load. And you description of these arguments don’t actually sound like arguments. They’re just you ragging on him until he’s had enough and walks away.
When you break up with a guy, he may not be interested in talking to you right away. That is his right. You broke up with him. He doesn’t need to listen to your apology at the precise moment you want to apologize if he’s still upset and processing the break-up.
It sounds like you’ve behaved like this in prior relationships.
Really, reading what you wrote it doesn’t sound like the prose of a young woman about to graduate college, unless you are in a foreign country and trying to write in English to an American advice column, in which case, congratulations, your English is a lot better than my Spanish or German ever were.
If you are an American or a Brit about to graduate an American or British college, frankly I’d demand my tuition back if I were you. An almost college grad ought to write better, think more logically, and not be such a self-involved creature of raw emotion as you are.March 17, 2017 at 9:48 pm #678470
What Fyodor said. LW, you have a lot of nerve wondering about anything your boyfriend is doing as being a “red flag.” You are a walking parade of red flags yourself. You seem to be addicted to drama and demand lots of attention. Please break up with the poor fellow permanently and let him find a grownup to date. If you are under stress, then get counseling, or get medication if you need it. This is not what a relationship is supposed to be for.