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Mom and Grandma do not get along

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This topic contains 28 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leslie Joan 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #690171 Reply

    I’m a 25 y/o women, I grew up with my single mom and maternal grandparents. My grandpa passed away when I was 15. My grandpa was the glue to my family and it was very hard on us when he passed away. My mom and grandma have always had issues; my mom has resentment from the way my grandma raised and treated her since she was young. My mom is silly, outgoing, and almost childish. My grandma is serious, controlling, and organized. Therefore, their personalities clash A LOT. My grandma has had serious medical issues since my grandpa passed away, including kidney stones and uterine cancer. My mom ended becoming my grandma’s care taker since I and my cousins were working on school and my mom’s siblings didn’t step up to the plate. It’s been 10 years and my mom is still my grandma’s caretaker but their relationship continues to disintegrate. My family always criticizing my mom for not providing good enough care to my grandma, but they rarely even visit my grandma. My grandma is very critical of every action that my mom does, so they end up fighting daily. My mom has come to the point that she is not taking care of my grandma. My mom says she cannot take care of my grandma and feel emotionally stable. My mom is very stubborn about getting a professional caretaker because she believes my grandma will use that as fuel to my mom feel inadequate. So now my mom is spending as little time as possible at home and doesn’t go to talk to grandma unless absolutely necessary. My grandma seems very lonely and I don’t think her basic needs are being met. None of my family is able or wants to take on the responsibility of taking care of my grandma.
    What can we do? It’s so hard to watch my mom be so unhappy because my grandma makes her feel so bad about herself. But it’s also so hard to know my grandma isn’t getting the care she deserves and needs.

    #690174 Reply

    This is a terrible situation.

    Your most urgent focus needs to be getting your grandma the care she needs. It doesn’t matter if it hurts your Mom’s feelings.

    You should send out an email to your mom and all of her siblings saying that Grandma MUST get the care she needs, and that ALL siblings are responsible for providing it. Finger-pointing and passing-the-buck need to stop – it doesn’t help anyone. Look into care covered by your state or her health insurance. (I’m Canadian and assuming you’re American, so I don’t know what you can expect.) It sounds like you’re going to need to be your grandmother’s champion right now. Please make her safety and health a priority.

    As for your mother, it’s unfortunate, but there’s probably not much you can do for her. It sounds like your grandmother took over a lot of the responsibility for raising you (if your Mom as always been child-like), so maybe there’s some resentment there? As you probably know, mothers and daughters often have very complicated relationships, even you probably don’t know all the details of what’s gone on between them. But that’s not up to you to solve. You might be able to get your mother into therapy, but you can’t solve her self-esteem and parental issues for her. And alleviating some of her responsibilities for caring for your grandmother will probably help her in the long run.

    #690175 Reply

    This can be considered elder abuse and your mother could be liable if she is supposed to be caring for her. Some cases have been in the news lately.

    #690176 Reply

    Just a clarification: My mom and I are very close, we talk on the phone about 3-5 times a week. So I’ve usually taken my mom’s side in the matter. My grandma is verbally abusive and manipulating. However, my mom is not responsible and she always let her emotions control her actions. Nevertheless, someone does need to be given proper care to my grandma.

    #690178 Reply

    Jenna, I think it’s time that your mother and her siblings hired a caretaker for your grandmother. It’s challenging enough care-taking a relative with whom one has a good relationship.

    #690194 Reply

    Your mother is going to get in serious legal trouble if she neglects your grandmother’s care. Doesn’t matter if they get along or not. If your grandmother has to be taken to a hospital and they see signs that she’s not being cared for properly, depending on the state or country you live in, they may be required to report the situation to the authorities.

    It’s time for your mother and her siblings to step up and get your grandmother some proper care. They can talk to her doctor, who should be able to do or arrange an assessment to determine what kind of care she needs and/or is eligible for.

    #690197 Reply

    Wah wah / verbal abuse will not be much of a legal defense in court. Your mom is playing a dangerous game. NEWSFLASH? — grandma’s complaints may be MORE than valid. I fail to see how an admittedly childlike woman would make for a very capable caregiver.

    #690200 Reply

    Hire someone. There are state agencies to help with payment in some areas if you qualify. Research it. Put together a plan and present it to your mom and her siblings.

    #690239 Reply

    Can your mother take care of your grandmother’s needs and minimize her time directly interacting with her?

    My maternal grandmother was abusive to my mother for decades, because my mother decided to have a relationship with both her mother and her father after they divorced.

    When my grandmother went into a nursing home, my mother had power of attorney because she was local. My mother did everything to take care of my grandmother, and had one sister who lived 3000 miles away and never did anything to help. My mother went to the nursing home and/or talked to doctors nearly every day to make sure her needs were met. However, to maintain her sanity, she minimized direct one-on-one contact with my grandmother. And when she did have contact, it was always in the presence of others, because my grandmother would be on her best behavior when others were around.

    #690247 Reply

    You have a responsibility to take action to get her the care she needs or you can also be held liable for her neglect. It does not matter that your mother is the primary caretaker: anyone who knows of the neglect and doesn’t do anything about it can be held liable.

    There are agencies and caregivers that can step in if needed. You just need to locate the provider agency for your state.

    #690249 Reply

    OK, I have more time to respond now…

    Since your mom and siblings are not responsive, you may have to get the ball rolling with some investigation of your own. Google is your friend: search on your town or county name and “eldercare resources.” If I do that with my county, I find the office of Aging and Adult Services. They have loads of services to help caregivers of seniors. People to answer questions and advise, assessments to see what level of care is needed. Day care services. Transportation. Support for caregivers. Financial assistance, if you qualify.

    I bet there’s something similar in your county. Check it out. Give them a call. You should start with finding out what level of care your grandmother needs. Would a visiting nurse or home health aide be enough? Or does she need the services of an assisted living center or nursing facility? Could she be made more independent, less reliant on your mother with physical or occupational therapy? There are lots of options along the way, and Medicaid/Medicare cover more than you’d think.

    Now, if your mother refuses to participate in any of this, and her siblings refuse, too, it’s time for a come to Jesus talk with all of them: doing nothing is NOT an option. Your mother (or her siblings) either have to give your grandmother proper care or arrange for someone else to do it. Neglecting her is a) immoral, and b) illegal.

    #690370 Reply

    No wonder grandma complains!
    Contact social security. She might be eligible for help, but regardless, someone needs to step the fuck up and hire a nurse or caretaker.
    Shame on your mother, and your family! If she doesn’t want to do it, that’s fine, but you can’t just leave her and expect her to be okay. Jesus Christ.

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