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Dear Wendy

My boyfriend has issues and is the reason we are in an unhealthy relationship

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar _s_ 5 days, 13 hours ago.

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  • #738913 Reply
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    RL

    So,
    I met him just before i was going to leave for university but he convinced me not to and i stayed back for uni in the city we’ve been together 8 months now he loves me alot but is super insecure and over possessive.
    He doesn’t let me talk to boys or have male friends, if any boy sits next to me in uni he gets really angry, he has a problem if the impression of the lace of my bra shows on my top and starts screaming at me.
    He doesn’t let me keep anything any of the things my ex’s have given me and he calls me things like cheap, disgusting and says i should be ashamed of myself.
    He’s really rude and makes me cry alot he calls me worthless and a bad person but at the same time he asks me what i want to eat ten times a day and he’s a really nice guy he lost his mother when he was a kid and never really had strong family support, love or care so he clings on to me and my family.
    My sister and mother adore him.
    He’ll take me to the best places and get me anything i want on the good days our relationship is was too good but on the bad days he makes me want to kill myself.
    Infact when i told him i might be going on a family vacation he flipped and said if any boy is in a 100km radius he’ll make my life hell.
    He wants to marry me and grow old with me and i know we’re young.
    I really love him though.

    #738917 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I’m glad that you realize that what he’s doing isn’t right. He’s a terrible person. No one should treat another person like that. The fact that he makes you feel so bad about yourself is a definite sign you need to stop dating him. If you did marry him in the future, you wouldn’t be happy, but I imagine his threats would turn physical and you potentially would not grow old at all.

    I assume that your university has staff who are trained in this sort of thing (mine does), so I think you should talk to someone about this so that you can make sure that when you break up with him, you are safe.

    #738919 Reply
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    Ron

    From what you describe, your boyfriend is extremely controlling, almost certain to become abusive, awful, and promises to destroy your life.

    The title of your letter is wrong. Your bf is what he is and an awful childhood can’t excuse that, because he isn’t going to grow out of this. The real reason you are in an extremely unhealthy relationship is that, despite seeing all the reasons to run from this dangerous guy, you choose to remain in the relationship. You need to break free of him, his threats, his meanness, his destruction of your self-esteem, the name-calling, the isolation, the mental illness.

    #738920 Reply
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    Ron

    I meant to say he will certainly become physically abusive. He is already extremely emotionally and verbally abusive.

    #738921 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    he makes me want to kill myself.

    You have to break up with him. He’s abusive and it will not get better. He is destroying your self esteem more and more every day until you won’t have any left. You need to call a national domestic abuse hotline In your area to get help on how to leave him. Tell your mother and sister exactly how he treats you. They need to help you stay away from him.

    It doesn’t matter his mother died. That doesn’t excuse the abuse. Lots of people who lost their mothers don’t grow up to abuse their partners. If you notice I’m saying abusive a lot….It’s because that is what this is and I want you to see that. Take any online test about whether your partner is abusive. You’ll ‘pass’. You need help to get away from him and get over this so you don’t repeat this pattern. Get that help.

    #738922 Reply
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    Ruby Tuesday

    Read your own letter and then dump him.

    #738927 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Run. He’s controlling and abusive. Abusers are nice sometimes-that doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive. Get help with leaving him and LEAVE.

    #738930 Reply
    Cleopatra_30
    Cleopatra_30
    Participant

    I don’t know what your question is, but I think you know that this is not a long term and sustainable relationship. MOA, and run far. This guy is emotionally abusing you, controlling and possessive begond belief. You need to be selfish here and look out for your own emotional health. He is clearly not, he should probably hit up some therapy to help with his own famly issues. I think it would be wise as well to attend a few of your own after, I hope, you end things. Figure out why you let a guy you barely dated influenced where you went to school, and the rest of the emotional abuse he put you through the last 8 months. It is not healthy, and you should never have to go through that again, and learn when to walk away and or stand up for yourself.

    Btw ideally dump him before your vacation so you can at least enjoy is stress free. ALSO! Let your fanily knows what is going on, all the details of the manipulation, controlling and possessive behaviour. I imagine you will need their support after the break up, as he may try to pull some shit to get you back, talking to family and telling them lies. Better to get it all transparent with them.

    #738937 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Please consider getting support from a domestic abuse support center. They will help you prepare because he will likely react by begging to be better or threaten you or a number of expected reactions. They can help you prepare responses that will not escalate but will not give in to his manipulation either. Above all, they can help you stay safe because as the others have said I think it highly likely he will escalate to violence.

    Stay safe.

    #738967 Reply
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    Ann

    ” he calls me things like cheap, disgusting and says i should be ashamed of myself”

    This is not love.
    This is abuse.
    Tell your family.
    Break up with him.
    Get counseling.
    Go away to uni.

    #738974 Reply
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    Baccalieu

    I completely agree with everyone else that his behaviour is unacceptable and if it doesn’t change you have to dump him. I have a question though:does he acknowledge that his jealousy and his demands are unreasonable or does he think he is being completely appropriate. If he does acknowledge it, is he trying to control himseIf or improve? Just because he is trying doesn’t mean everything is fine, he has to succeed and if he can’t you have to leave.

    It rather sounds like he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. If he doesn’t, I suppose it might be worth trying to explain that to him (not in the middle of an argument over this sort of thing, but in a separate discussion, that this isn’t acceptable and he is going to drive you away if he continues. Even as I say this though it sounds rather unlikely that he will have an epiphany, and I would stress again that if he keeps it up you have to leave.

    #738997 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    @baccalieu – I know your sympathy comes from a good place, but this is a huge red flag, regardless of whether it comes from a man or a woman. If the genders are reversed my advice, and my recommendation to use domestic violence support would be the same.

    This kind of control comes from a place of deep rooted insecurity that can be masked for a little bit, but that insecurity doesn’t go away. Typically, someone can push down those feelings but then they come screaming back and the victim is accused of all sorts of crimes because the abuser “can’t be sure” the victim is telling the truth or didn’t cheat or didn’t blah blah blah. Men and women use this kind of isolation. And men and women both escalate to violence when they give into their insecurities, anger and irrationalities.

    All that staying for a little while does is confirm that he has to do is be better for a little while to convince her into staying. Which, sadly, puts her in danger for that much longer.

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