This topic contains 12 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by Leslie Joan 4 months, 1 week ago.
October 19, 2017 at 7:20 am #723887
From a LW:
I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years now. Like many people we get into topics of conversation about subjects like politics, drugs, religion, race, etc. He will say his piece on his thoughts and even though I disagree with some things and it can bother me I just chalk it up to that is his opinion. When I move onto my side my difference in opinion causes him to get upset and says I am attacking him as a person and I am saying he is a bad person. Mind you never once in any conversation do I use the word “you” or comment directly on something he did in the past. A good example is about drugs. I do not believe in doing drugs period. I think we all have issues but do not believe drugs are the answer to problems. He in the past before me did drugs a lot. He does not any more. So when I say my opinion that I think bad about people who take drugs he takes it personally. Also what is confusing is he watchs these TV shows about drugs and he sits there making fun of these people that do these bad drugs and says it’s messed up that they do this and those people are trash. It is hypocritical to me that he can have an opinion on them in a bad way but as soon as I were to say the exact same words that he says he takes it as an attack on him. He told me once that since I was never in that situation it’s something I don’t know about so I shouldn’t talk about it that way that I do and that since he’s been in that lifestyle that he can have more an opinion about it. I really don’t agree with that as it shouldn’t matter what situation I have been in or not, I should at least be able to have an opinion.
He also takes other things personally that I don’t mean to be personal they’re just questions. He wears a cross around his neck but does not practice Catholic faith, doesn’t go to church, has done many bad things in his life with drugs and other bad behavior. I find it kind of odd that someone who doesn’t actually follow any part of that religion would wear a cross. To me it’s like wearing some kind of Buddhist thing when you’re Catholic. Makes no sense. I asked him why he wore it, not out of disrespect, but out of curiosity. Of course he took that personal as I was attacking his beliefs on religion.
I also mentioned to him that maybe he should go to the doctors to get a normal checkup because his mom died of colon cancer he was a teenager and just thought it was a good idea that he get checked out to be safe because I cared. I believe I’ve been with him long enough to be able to express my care for his well-being. Of course he turned it around as I was getting in his business and got mad at me for saying that I was telling him what to do and that I must think that he doesn’t take care of himself well. That is not what I meant at all. It was not a jab on how he takes care of himself. It is just a caring girlfriend that wants to make sure that he’s safe and to keep him here as long as possible on this Earth.
If I talk about feminist stuff about how I feel like women are disrespected and sexualized in the media he somehow takes it as though I am just male bashing and saying that he’s one of those guys who’s disrespecting girls. However never once did I ever say he disrespected any female. So basically you can see my point is it really does not matter what the subject is it can be big or small topic, but he finds a way to twist it to where i am offending him or telling him what to do.
At this point I’m afraid to have an opinion or even discuss anything with him other than how was your day, however that is not a healthy relationship. He had a very hard past with losing his mother at a young age, grew up with no dad, he grew up very poor unlike myself, has gotten in trouble many times, and experienced many sad things that I haven’t. I do believe a big part of this is why he reacts the way that he does. I’m not his therapist and I don’t want to fix him. He can figure put hoe to fix himself. In the meantime I just want him to understand that I’m not trying to attack him and I just want to converse like normal people do in a relationship.
How do I make it clear this is just my personal opinion and nothing to do with him as a person or his past? If his past bothered me that bad I wouldn’t be with him. I want to be able to speak freely to my boyfriend about all aspects of life. If you can give any advice on how to approach conversations in a way to not offend someone who is very sensitive, that would be much appreciated?October 19, 2017 at 7:28 am #723891
omg no, why are you two together?October 19, 2017 at 8:09 am #723900
“I do not believe in doing drugs period. I think we all have issues but do not believe drugs are the answer to problems. He in the past before me did drugs a lot. He does not any more. So when I say my opinion that I think bad about people who take drugs he takes it personally.”
seriously? you sound incredibly insensitive. You know he’s done drugs, but you still say you think bad about people who take drugs – you’re basically telling him he’s a bad person. i think you need to figure out how to rephrase things, or figure out how you really feel about your boyfriend.October 19, 2017 at 8:24 am #723902
So, every value you have, he disagrees with and takes offense to? I also wonder why you’re together.
I get the drugs thing and that if you say people are bad if they do something, and it’s something he did, it sounds like you’re saying he’s bad. And I don’t fully understand why you keep saying it if you know it bothers him. I also don’t know how your tone is when you say things. I could see asking someone about a cross they wear sounding judgmental if you frame it as “Why do you wear this if you don’t go to church?” vs. if you just asked him about his faith or what it means to him.
Either way, you should like two people who don’t like each other much. Why would you want to keep having conversations with someone who bites your head off any time you say anything? Or someone who thinks feminists are man-bashers? Move on.October 19, 2017 at 8:28 am #723903
The two of you seem to be an awful match. See the other thread on this page from a woman who hates pot, but loves her pothead, but can’t accept that he smokes weed. Same contradictions you have. Same sorry conclusion for both of you if you keep trying to force your basically incompatible relationships to work. You and your bf are who you are, neither of you is likely to change significantly in your life outlook. It just can’t work.October 19, 2017 at 8:33 am #723904
But CrochetNinja, he does that with *everything.*
I agree with Sunshine Brite: why on earth are you two together? Look, there may be a more nuanced way you might discuss things. But he seems both hypersensitive and a hypocrite, which is a bad combination. Ideally one’s partner looks to interpret your statements assuming good intentions. He doesn’t, and when pressed on the issue all he does is throw up smoke. If you aren’t even allowedto ask an informational question without his taking it as a personal attack, then you have no relationship. All he’s doing is pushing back and being combative about nearly everything you say. You are right that you are not his therapist. So, the question becomes, what are you getting out of this relationship? I can assure you that it just doesn’t have to be this difficult when you are with the right person. This is demeaning. Tell him you aren’t interested in the conversational dynamic, and move on.October 19, 2017 at 8:52 am #723905
What everyone else said – why are you two together? In my mind this is a really big issue.
Being able to effectively communicate is vital to a relationship. If you can’t manage a conversation about things that don’t directly impact your day to day life – like if drugs are good or bad – how are you going to manage personal crises? What happens if you have a difference of opinion on raising a child? What happens if you have a financial set back? You have to be able to talk calmly and rationally with one another and listen to the other person.
This is someone who is seriously insecure in that he magnifies these differences of opinion into personal attacks.October 19, 2017 at 8:58 am #723906
L for L —
He may be very insecure, although I tend to doubt it. It sounds more like the beginning of abusive, controlling behavior. He feels a need to be the 600 pound gorilla in the room. She is supposed to be meek and subservient.October 19, 2017 at 9:09 am #723908
@Ron – sometimes someone is so domineering because deep down they are so insecure. Some people need to dominate and control because they are terrified that people will leave, the domination is a result of the underlying issue. I’m not going to say definitively that’s the case, but someone who sees any difference of opinion as a personal attack – that screams insecurity to me. And someone who won’t take the suggestion go to the doctor to manage their health and then argues that she’s trying to “make him do things” is someone who is likely terrified and unable to deal with that fear like an adult.October 19, 2017 at 9:10 am #723909
When you aren’t allowed to have an opinion it is time to run.
Was he always like this or is he getting worse and worse as time passes?October 19, 2017 at 9:54 am #723917
Now that I have a little more time I can flesh out my thoughts a bit…
After 2 years you’ve found that you have fundamental differences that hinder any sort of meaningful relationship between the two of you. However, I would challenge you on the example of drug use. While you don’t comment specifically on his past use I can see where his defenses would be up as that used to be him.
But your opinions are yours and they are valid. Lots of faiths wear crosses and he should be able to openly talk spirituality with someone if he sees a future there. Taking everything soooo personally sounds exhausting. It doesn’t sound like he’s in a place to be in a relationship. No one can walk on eggshells forever and I’m glad you recognize that’s not a healthy pattern to fall into.October 19, 2017 at 10:19 am #723921
Guuuurl, WEES! Why are you still with him? Why are you dating someone who makes you feel like you can’t speak freely or like your opinion isn’t valid? You shouldn’t have to tiptoe through conversations with your partner. The two of you sound fundamentally incompatible. It’s time to leave!
I don’t think this is a personality quirk, btw — he’s not just overly sensitive. He’s insecure *at best*, but I think it’s deeper than that. Whatever it is, it’s not a good quality.