This topic contains 18 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by Victoria 2 weeks, 6 days ago.
November 20, 2017 at 8:48 am #727263
From a LW:
My husband is able to have complete freedom to interview and hire his staff of employees. (4 total). He says it’s important to have a balanced staff of at least 2/5 females. We are 47 and he hired two females in their 20’s who are very thin and attractive, etc. He said most men wouldn’t be willing to work for the low salaries that the jobs offer. But he did survey all the resumes and hired independently. No committees etc. It was his decision 100%. He didn’t ask my opinion.
He texts these women and is friends with them on Facebook. He knows that I am a very insecure person. (I am not on Facebook or choose male friends). He seems to get along better with females – has very few male friends. They often take group pictures and go out to lunch and go on overnight work trips all together.
I expressed my insecurity to my husband in tears recently. I told him I get anxiety and fear and it’s very humiliating for me. I have gained 40 pounds in the past year (some stressful situations). He “kids around” that my overweight body is grounds for divorce.
He has always been better friends with the women at any place he has worked. He doesn’t seem to get along well with most of the men. No real friendships with men.
I grew up with tons of insecurities , that’s true. But that gives him a trump card to just say everything that bothers me is just cause I am crazy.
The other night there was a work function for my husband’s office. We were sitting eating our dinner with another couple. Quickly his female coworker runs up and plops down next to him sitting sideways , very close. She had a female friend with her /coworker who stood behind her. Anyway, she started talking to my husband without acknowledging me to the other side of my husband. He knows this person causes me to feel sad, insecure and jealous. She is very threatening to me with her body language and attention seeking ways. He proceeded to turn towards her and gave her all his attention. He didn’t even know that I got up from the table a minute later. I felt so left out and humiliated. Especially bc she was in a short skirt sitting side ways and talking close. I could hear her – it wasn’t work related questions. Just chit chat. I had to leave shortly after to get home to our kids. I texted him that my feelings were hurt. He got home and went to bed and said nothing to me.
The next day I asked him if he thought she was sitting and behaving appropriately. He said thar I just overreact and have poor judgment. That just sent me over the edge. He showed no empathy. Just defended himself and her. Told me I was just a jealous person who makes stuff up.
I still feel like even a woman who didn’t struggle with jealousy would have been offended by her husband indulging the attention seeking of a female co-worker. Especially hurtful right in front of me. Her husband wasn’t there ,so I guess she wanted some attention. I was only able to stay at the function for a short time. She spent part of the time at the dinner saying how she was “wasting away” and needed more food (she loves to brag about her thinness and my husband sure has an obsession with thin women , even though he is overweight ).
Please help me. I just an overly sensitive at times I know. But he is also insensitive. Sometimes I feel like we are just not right for each other after 25 years. I need someone who cares about my feelings and he needs someone who has confidence to let him be himself. He always says he doesn’t want to walk on eggshells.
What should I do? This isn’t the first female coworker that I feel he has preferred over me in public.
I don’t think they are doing anything other than flirting but it’s just so rude right in front of me. They are together 40/hours a week. I am only around for about 30 minutes a week. I don’t know why he just couldn’t consider my feelings and have some self control. I would have kissed the ground he walks on if in that moment she sat down, he found a clever way to quickly be polite to her , but make me feel like I was more important and cherished. I am just a stupid weak woman?November 20, 2017 at 9:13 am #727264
Wow…your last sentence is just so sad to me. I think you sound like the one walking on eggshells with an asshole of a husband. Your weight gain is “jokingly” cause for a divorce but his fat ass is fine? Fuuuck that. Please go see a therapist and learn how to be more confident and stand up to your bully of a husband or flat out leave.November 20, 2017 at 9:15 am #727265
Also, your husband’s hiring practices sound flat out gross. He sounds gross. Just ew. Why are you putting up with this crap?November 20, 2017 at 9:21 am #727266
There are a few issues here.
1. You are insecure and looking for reassurance in the wrong place. You don’t need your husband to be constantly validating you or your beauty or whatever, especially when he sounds like an asshole. You need to start loving yourself for who you are and start working on your insecurities. You need therapy ASAP.
2. Your husband doesn’t care about your feelings. He calls you crazy,which is a total asshole move. And I’m sorry, but I think this is just work for him. You have told him what bothers you and he doesn’t care, he does the same all over again. If you think that this is salvable, you guys need to go to couples therapy.
3. You already know that this men is not right for you. A man who constantly mocks you, calls you crazy, doesn’t let you express your feeling, doesnt make you feel loved. What are you doing there? You need therapy to understand why you have let this man treat you like this.
Good luck OP. I hope you find youre worth much more than this.November 20, 2017 at 9:23 am #727267
*I think this is NOT just work for him.November 20, 2017 at 9:38 am #727269
Wow. Just wow. He has your head twisted around so much I imagine your brain looks like one of those large colorful twisted lollipops. He has you right where he wants you, second guessing yourself and so intimidated that he doesn’t even have to pretend to consider your feelings.
Can I make a suggestion? Can you get a personal trainer? Get yourself feeling more fit and stronger. I think it would boost your confidence tremendously and you need that given how much your husband likes tearing you down. If you can find a really good looking male trainer, that would be icing on the cake. But I think you need to start doing things, without your husband, that make you feel good. Get a new hairstyle. Do a little shopping. Stop playing “good wife” and start playing “deserving wife”. Seriously, treat yo’ self.November 20, 2017 at 9:53 am #727271
Btw OP if financial considerations are keeping you there I think you should think about your husband’s behavior at work. If that’s how it is *in front of you* I can only imagine it’s much more overt when you’re not around. He is probably a lawsuit waiting to happen. You might be wise to get your settlement before some woman he’s harassing gets hers.November 20, 2017 at 10:02 am #727273
Divorce him & you’ll instantly lose weight, the weight of him dragging you down. He has worn down your confidence and been gaslighting you for years, but you have a right to a far better relationship. Whatever one else said is spot on & here is a link to help find therapy. https://captainawkward.com/2017/10/03/guest-post-14-free-and-low-cost-mental-health-resources/November 20, 2017 at 10:57 am #727279
Your husband is a total asshole. He doesn’t care about you, your feelings, or your marriage. I would not even bother trying to salvage the relationship. Salvage yourself instead. Divorce the motherfucker, take him to the cleaners, get yourself a great therapist, and I second the suggestion for a personal trainer too (or the pursuit of any kind of formal and regular exercise to help boost your energy and confidence and mental and physical health).November 20, 2017 at 11:43 am #727283
Your husband’s work situation is a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.November 20, 2017 at 12:01 pm #727286
We live in a legal regime of no-fault divorce, so anything is grounds for divorce. Your husband’s attitude and behavior are hear the head of the list. Do yourself a favor and MOA. You’re not happy and your situation is going to get a lot worse. I agree with Skyblossom, expect your husband to be jobless soon.November 20, 2017 at 12:15 pm #727289
I agree your husband is an asshole and a lot of other things but he didn’t start this when he hired these girls or when you gained the weight, most likely he has always been an asshole. You need to figure out how to love yourself and do what you need to do so that you will not accept this behavior from your husband or anyone else ever. You know what your husband is you always have, your 47 figure out who you are and what would make you not think you stupid or weak. It is your choice whether you keep him or walk away and never look back and it’s your choice to dwell on what your not instead of what you have going for you.