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“My Husband Says No to Sex Since I Got Pregnant”

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This topic contains 28 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #728395 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a lw:

    I’m 26, recently married and currently 7 months pregnant with our first child. I have always had a [maybe] abnormally high sex drive that pregnancy has only made worse, and prior to us being married my husband was more than happy to keep up and go 4-5 times a week…
    Now we are only 3 months into our marriage, but since we’ve been married he says I want sex too much.. That I should be content with 2 maybe 3 times a week and not want more…
    The thing is- he still masturbates pretty frequently. I wouldn’t have an issue with this as I do too, except he’ll turn me down for sex only to masturbate later.. Or he’ll masterbate in the morning, then later on when I try he’s “not in the mood”… I understand that we all need our “alone time”, but hurts when he won’t sleep with me and then chooses to pleasure himself.
    I’ve brought it up and he says they’re not the same thing and I should never feel that way- but it really is hard not to when he says no to sex, asks me to run to the store, and then I return home to find him masturbating… He also said to me last night that he sees nothing wrong with turning me down for sex and then choosing to masturbate, even if it is selfish. He claims it has nothing to do with the pregnancy, and on the occasions he does want sex he’s very into it… But I’m feeling very insecure about this and don’t know what to do…
    Thank you very much for your time.

    #728407 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    You have a mismatched libido problem at the moment & your husband sounds a bit of jerk ( or you,LW, are narrating it to make him sound that way). But mostly the difference in libido’s is the bigger issue. But I do wonder if pregnancy is unconsciously or even consciously making him less interested in sex with you?! Is he worried about poking/harming the baby? That’s a real fear of some people, though the doctors say no poking with happen and no your orgasm won’t get the baby sexually excited ( they do feel something but it isn’t sexual). Or even harming you, as sex now not as limber or as spontaneous?

    Also wanting 5/4 times isn’t abnormally high. Every day and 3 times in a day is however. It’s just that our patriarchal society frowns on women’s sexuality unless it in certain parameters. But it’s only a lot (4/5 times a week) if the other person wants less.

    This problem has only risen in the last 7 months, so the real test is is once you’ve had the baby & generally women will be too busy with hormones, trying to get sleep, feeding etc the baby & work to hardly want much sex in the first year. It’s natures way of getting you to bond with your child. But that doesn’t mean sex won’t happen, but that you may need to plan it in. But you might be the exception and want it 4/5 a week immediately after the 6 weeks of healing is up. But I’d reassess then, before alarm bells would start ringing. Also is your husband being very affectionate and caring at moment, because if he isn’t then that could be why you’re seeking a connection with him( besides the hormones)? Pregnancy is a time of extreme change for your body and life, so assurance is wanted.

    Oh why is he making it obvious he just masturbated on your return? Or is he super slow? Or are you searching it out? Hmmm. I don’t think it’s a problem that people masturbate, but those 3 questions are things to think about.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by avatar Kate.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by avatar Heatherly.
    #728417 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Wait? What?! What happened to my advice? It’s totally disappeared. I did edit once, but it was still here after & now iit’s gone. Glitch in the Matrix?

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by avatar Heatherly.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by avatar Heatherly.
    #728430 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It looks like it got moved to spam somehow. I put it back.

    #728433 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Odd, but thanks a lot @kate.

    #728434 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It could be there was some set of keywords/phrases in there that triggered it to spam, or it’s possible I accidentally tapped the screen somehow when scrolling and hit the spam link, but I don’t think so. Sorry!

    #728443 Reply
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    Fyodor

    By seven months, it can be pretty awkward and uncomfortable. It may be that at this particular late stage of your pregnancy that he’s just slightly less into it. I mean, you guys are still having sex 2-3 times a week. That’s not too shabby. He may also have anxiety about being a parent and his self-gratification is a way of kind of exerting a small amount of autonomy.

    I would consider letting this be and reevaluating in six months. You’re going through a huge transition now and will be going through a much bigger transition soon when your baby is born. You are not going to want sex 4-5 times a week once you have a baby.

    #728445 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    You say that, Fyodor, but I remember reading the April 2017 moms message board only a few weeks after my kid was born and there were already women talking about how they wanted to have sex but hadn’t been cleared by a Dr yet and did they really have to wait?

    How these women had time or energy (let alone the other, erm, complications) to have sex, I can’t imagine. Spoiler: some of them are already pregnant with #2.

    #728446 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Well, there’s a difference between being frustrated that you have to wait six weeks for a trip to pound town and wanting to commute there four times a week.

    #728447 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Looks like my comments got deleted for inappropriate metaphors.

    #728448 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Back up, never mind.

    #728449 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Also, I understand why you’re upset, but there’s something kind of unseemly about the LW monitoring his self-gratification like that.

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