Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My husband’s past with brothels”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “My husband’s past with brothels”

This topic contains 170 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 1 week, 6 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 171 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #719145 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    My point is, the wife can’t know whether the hooker her husband fucked was “clean” or not, since he won’t discuss it. So setting aside that question: I’m comfortable calling him a loser, regardless of how it went down.

    You could add rapist on top if indeed the hooker was a sex slave.

    #719146 Reply

    But legal brothels can still have sex slaves. That’s where your analogy breaks down. It’s more equivalent to reputable breeders buying (or actually stealing) puppies from puppy mills and then passing them off as their own well-bred ones. And in addition everyone knows this happens but does it anyway.

    Countries where prostitution is legal have actually seen an *increase* in trafficking. Because if you were a sex trafficker, where would it be easiest to sell your wares? Somewhere that selling sex is illegal, or somewhere that it’s legal? Of course it’s easier somewhere that it’s legal. You just have to get your slaves into the country somehow, and then you’re golden. You’re now in a legitimate business with no fear of reprisals, as long as no one finds out your “employees” are there against their will. This is why prostitution needs to be legalized everywhere, otherwise the slavery gets concentrated in the few places where it’s legal. And Australia does have legal prostitution, so it’s a good bet that there’s plenty of trafficking there.

    So again, unless you actually know the prostitutes, like you went to highschool with them or something, and you know their situation, like they’re free to go home and no one’s threatening to kill their family if they don’t show up to work every day, then there is literally no way to know that a given prostitute is not a slave. No way to know. You’re taking a risk, every time.

    #719165 Reply
    avatar
    THU NGUYEN

    Hi there, thank you for the responses. My husband lived in Australia as a student for 6 years then moved back to his home country. I met him after his time in Australia. So did not know anything of it. He was a student an international student at that in his early 20s. I found out about him visiting brothels by coming across some of his old Facebook messages on his phone. I’m trying to justify the actions and I’m trying to be reasonable but he is very ashamed of it and is very uncomfortable talking about it. Should I push the topic still? In Australia brothels are legal. But I’m thinking more about the fact that it’s still prostitution and we have a daughter together and I just can’t look at him the same way.

    #719166 Reply

    Hi Thu, thanks for giving us some more background. What prompted you to go through his old FB messages? Snooping isn’t great, were you looking for something because there was something about his behavior that made you concerned?

    #719168 Reply
    avatar
    THU NGUYEN

    Juliecatherine. I was more curious than really looking for anything. My husband doesn’t talk much about his past. I mean he comes from a great family and I know he’s a great man, but it seems that his past is something he doesn’t want to talk about especially anything relating to his time in Australia. And since we just started living together these past 2 months and have been married for a year I wanted to know him more as a person. We honestly got married early due to pressure from our families and then being apart from each other didn’t give us the time we needed to really find out about each other and get to know each other more so I’m taking the opportunity now but my husband is a quiet non talkative person so I’m at a lost on what to do.

    #719170 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    Yes, you should keep pushing it. What do you think is going to happen to your relationship if you can’t didcuss this?

    But to Julie’s point, what made you snoop? Sounds like perhaps there’s a bigger trust issue for you to address.

    I really recommend speaking with a professional relationship counselor when dealing with things like this. You really don’t have the skills to do it on your own.

    #719172 Reply
    avatar
    THU NGUYEN

    I guess I’m more scared that if I push the topic he would be unhappy and then our marriage would really suffer. I’ve had trust issue from a previous relationship of 6 years where I was constantly cheated on. I guess in my head I justified snooping by wanting to know more about him who he was before we met and married. I feel like I might be opening a can of worms and then not knowing how to deal with the repercussions for the sake of our children

    #719174 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    Well, you’ve got two big problems: 1) you snooped, and you found out information that really freaked you out about your husband. 2) You don’t really know who he is… he’s different than you thought he was, and he’s hiding a whole part of his life from you. Which is WIERD. My husband had a difficult past and doesn’t love talking about certain things, but I know enough that I don’t feel like he’s trying to keep stuff from me.

    If you ignore this stuff and sweep it under the rug, it will eventually wreck your relationship anyway, so the responsible thing is to work on it, with professional help.

    #719175 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    You absolutely have to talk about this. You snooped because your husband doesn’t talk to you, and you don’t feel like you know him well enough. It’s not right, but it’s human. And you found out something that makes you look at him differently (I would feel the same). You can’t live your life trying to keep your husband free from worry at the expense of your own peace of mind.

    Definitely talk to a counselor. You can’t un-know what you found out—but to be honest, it doesn’t sound like this marriage was heading towards success at this rate, anyway. Get a professional to help.

    #719177 Reply

    I agree that counseling would be really beneficial here. You two aren’t communicating very well and honestly it sounds like you barely know each other. If there weren’t kids involved I’m not sure it would be worth trying to sort this out but as it stands you really need help. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that there are some cultural factors at play here that we might not fully appreciate.

    #719180 Reply
    avatar
    Ron

    And there’s more to it than that. If the LW is snooping in her current relationship, because she is still hobbled by the cheating in her last relationship, then she wasn’t ready for a new relationship and definitely not ready for marriage. If you are going to make your husband pay for the cheating sins of your ex, then your marriage is as good as dead. I say this, because the big reason you gave for snooping was your ex’s constant cheating. You didn’t suggest you had observed or sensed anything shady about your husband.

    I’m not as skeeved out by the brothel as the bulk of the posters have been. Your husband, as a youngish foreign student and before he met you, visited a legal brothel in a nation which I think can be counted upon to regulate its brothels, just as I would expect to be the case in Las Vegas. I think skipping right to sex trafficking is a huge stretch. In response to many, many letters here, the bulk of the responses are, and I think this is correct, that no woman owes her bf/husband the details of her sexual history before they met and that her ‘number’ is none of his business.

    Well, the same principle applies to men. She isn’t entitled to the details of his prior sexual experiences. It is not as though he cheated on her and she deserves answers to any questions which might help her move forward. She presumably had a chance to ask him whatever she wanted to ask before agreeing to marry him and was sufficiently satisfied with the answers to marry. Now she has violated his privacy by deciding to snoop, found something that freaks her out, and demands a full discussion.

    Honestly, I don’t know what she expects him to say. He went to a legal brothel. She knows that; he admits it. Although I’ve never visited a brothel, I know that they exist only because a lot of men have used their services. A foreign student in a strange land, without a relationship and at an age of raging hormones is among the primary frequenter of brothels. She either can live with this or she can’t, but seriously, exactly what do you expect him to tell her?

    Yes they should get tested for STDs, but the risk probably isn’t much different than if he had been very into the hookup culture at his university. Do you know where the greatest concentration of STDs is in America? It’s at a very large senior-citizen community called The Villages, in FL, and they have a gigantic hookup culture.

    #719182 Reply
    avatar
    THU NGUYEN

    Thank you for all the responses. I agree I did invade his privacy and I really had no reason to. From the instant I met him and his family they have placed me on a pedestal and treated with the upmost love and care.

    Is this something that I can seek counseling to overcome for myself or do I bring him to it too.

    I know that this is the biggest skeleton in his closet and when I asked him he seemed to be very ashamed and embarrassed.

    Again I’m not justifying it but from a males perspective what I’m more curious about is why attend those places? I don’t want my husband to think that I’m judging him in any way or form I really just want to understand who he was that made him who he is today.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 171 total)
Reply To: “My husband’s past with brothels”
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.